Mythology (Baliwan Edition)

Girls Rule!!: Atalanta

Atalanta.

Isa lang ang masasabi ko.

Wala syang kinalaman sa Atlantic Ocean.

The end.

Joke!!

Haha Corny! Okay. Ulit.

Atalanta.

Hmm..

Well...

Sabihin na lang natin na sya ang nagpauso ng girl power.

Oo. Girl power. Sya. Nagpauso.

Hindi ang Spice Girls, hindi si Beyonce Knowles (porket sya ang kumanta ng Run the World, Girls!), hindi ang Sexbomb dancers at lalong lalo hindi si Leila De Lima porket madami syang boyfriends.

Si Atalanta yun!

Bakit?

Cause she outwits all men! Yeah! Dahil sya ang pinakamalakas sa lahat! Well except for Hercules, ibang usapan na yun, but hell, lets just say na sya ang pinakamalakas ng mga panahon na to.

How did that happen? Lets go back to the time she was born.

Atalanta's father, King Iasus, is the King of Arcadia. At syempre pag hari ka, gusto mo ng tagapagmana diba, so you wanted a boy. Unfortunately, Atalanta was born girl. So in short, Instik pala si King Iasus dahil gusto nya ng tagapagmana ng business!

Joke!! Charot!

Going back, seryoso to guys, gustong gusto talaga ni King Iasus ng lalaki, sa sobrang badtrip nya na babae si Atalanta ay pinatapon nya ito sa gubat.

HA??!! HELL!! WHAT THE EFF DAD??!

So he left her there to die.

Luckily, Atalanta sa found by a bear. At siguro babae tong bear na to dahil nagbreast feed sya kay Atalanta.

What? Hey dont ask me if may superpowers ang gatas ng bear, like hell I would know that.

So ayun nga, Atalanta was raised by a bear in the woods. Until one day, a group of hunters saw her.

They were like: "Guys look, parang Tarzan, yun nga lang girl version at hindi raised by gorillas version!"

So out of kindness, dahil alam nilang di bagay si Atalanta dun, kinuha nila ito at inaruga. Making her the greatest huntress of their time. Aww.

Yun nga lang lumaki si Atalanta bilang tigasin. Not a lesbian really but an avid follower of Goddess Artemis.

Sino si Artemis? The Virgin Goddess of the hunt.

Bale kinarir talaga ni Atalanta. Literal. Artemis is the Goddess of hunt so she hunts. Artemis is a virgin goddess so yeah, she stayed a Virgin also.

Sa sobrang pagprotekta nya sa Virginity nya, nun tinangka syang halayin ng dalawang malilibog na Centaurs ay pinatay nya ito. Using hunter's favorite weapon, the bow and arrow of course.

Atalanta was like: "Ano na?! Rape pa more!!"

Going back to girl power, sya ang nagpatunay na kaya ng babae ang lumaban. She joined Jason, the leader of Argonauts, in quest of the Golden Fleece. Bukod dun, ang dami pa nyang naging adventures. As in talo si Dora the explorer.

Nanalo sya sa wrestling match, pumatay sya ng baboy ramo etc etc. Blah blah blah

Whew! Dami nyan sa I wont dwell on it so much. Diretso tayo sa lovelife nya. Naks!