Without A Voice (Based On A True Story)

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I woke up before anyone else. The house was still and dark. The sun didn't even rise over the horizon. In all honesty, I didn't sleep at all. The events played over and over in my head. I could still feel the cold concrete that I sat on. What scared me the most was visualizing me actually jumping over the ledge. I was that close to ending my life and hurting those I loved. The "what-if" of that scenario sent shivers down my spine every time it flashed back.

I crept through the house, trying not to wake anyone up. I made it to the living room and sat on our large sofa. I looked at the wall clock, 4 a.m. I turned the television on and muted the sound. I watched some of the early morning cartoons. It helped at first, but the thoughts stuck in the back of my mind. I tried to immerse myself in the adventures of Tom and Jerry, but I knew it wasn't going to happen. I knew my life was going to be different from here on. 

Mother drove us to our grandparents' house. I usually slept the entire ride, but not this time. Mother wished us a great day, but then she pulled me aside.

"You don't have to go to school today if you don't want to." She saw that I was distraught I was and offered for me to not push myself. After this whole experience, we understood each much better. I didn't blame her for what happened to me, nor for the events leading up to it. She had my best interest at heart and I understood that. I looked at her with a serious look.

"I want to go to school." She was shocked.

"Are you sure?" I didn't want to go back to those people, but I couldn't run from my fears forever. Eventually my legs would give out and my fears will catch up.

"I have to do this." I hugged her tightly. "Dad would go." Both of our eyes got watery.

"Then have a good day, James." she smiled and got back in the car. I waved goodbye as she drove off. I had no idea what I had in store for me.

I got to school earlier than usual to meet Mr. Kent at the classroom. We agreed that we would meet at 7:00 a.m to pack up my things. He waited for me outside, dipping his mug of coffee.

"Good morning, Mr. Kent." I greeted him.

"Good morning, James. How are you doing?" he asked.

"Honestly, I'm still upset about what happened." He patted me on the shoulder.

"I understand. That was a horrible experience you went through, but you were very strong through the whole thing. Not many people go through what you did and would speak out about it. I'm very proud of you." I smiled shyly. I never thought of myself as "brave" ever.

He gave me a small cardboard box to put my things in. He helped me pack my things. We just packed in silence, with the occasional exchange of glances. Slowly, the box filed with books, papers, and school supplies. As I packed the last folder, he tapped me on the shoulder.

"We're going to miss you in here." I paused for a moment. We're? Then I knew exactly whom he was referring to. I knew this was going to test our friendship, but I hoped Grace understood why I needed to do this.

"Yeah, I'm going to miss both of you." We smiled at each other. I picked up my box and headed towards the door. He held the door open for me, then we walked next door to my new class.

Ms. Anderson was a kind, young lady. She looked like she just became a teacher. She had short, brown hair, and big, brown eyes. She wore a classy collared shirt and black slacks. I had a good feeling about her.

"Good morning, Ms. Anderson." Mr. Kent smiled. She smiled at both of us.

"Good morning, Mr. Kent. This must be James." I nodded and shyly smiled back. She seemed nice, but change doesn't come easy to me.

"Yeah, this is James. He starts in your class today." She crouched down to meet me at eye-level.

"Well it's nice to meet you, James. Welcome." she said, extending her hand to me. I flinched and she retracted.

"I'm sorry." I apologized. Her cheer slowly diminished. "I need time." She forced a smile and nodded.

"Don't worry about it." she assured me. "I understand. Please come in." As I unpacked my box, Mr. Kent and Ms. Anderson chatted. I didn't care to know what about, nor wanted to use my skills to find out. I preoccupied my mind with what I am about to expect. Were my new classmates going to treat me the same way as the others? Will I have another Grace in this class to save me? So many questions and unknowns, each with many paths they could follow. I'll just had to find out the hard way.

I finally finished unpacking my things, just in time for school to start. The teachers noticed I finished and walked over.

"Alright, James." Mr. Kent said. "This is it. You're in good hands. If you ever need anything, you can come and talk to us. Alright?"

"Yes, thank you for everything Mr. Kent and Ms. Anderson." I said. "There is one thing, if you don't mind."

"Sure. What is it?" he asked.

"Tell Grace 'I'm sorry.'" He paused for a moment.

"Sure thing." He and Ms. Anderson walked towards the door. It was like my past and present walking side-by-side. This was when my life was transitioning.

I watched the large influx of new classmates enter the room, so full of energy. I had mixed emotions; I was excited, scared, and nervous all at the same time. Here we go.

Three boys sat in my group of desks. They appeared to be close friends, probably stemming from kindergarten. They had the same fashion sense: spiked hair, monster truck shirts, and jeans. I was obviously the odd one in the group, as expected.

They looked at me and started whispering to each other. They huddled together, obstructing my view of their mouths. They knew something. They broke their meeting and pretended I wasn't there. That was quick.

I could sense the same feeling from the rest of the class. It didn't take long for me to figure out what was going on. They all knew who I was and why I was in their class. I didn't know how, but there it's no point in hiding it. There was only one question I had: I was branded as something, but what? Fear started to slowly creep in and consume my mind. I feared for what they thought of me, or what they were going to do to me. My chances of starting over immediately went to zero.

I went to recess like I normally did. I searched the entire playground for Grace. As I searched, I noticed that everyone was staring at me. Not only my former classmates, but the entire grade-level was looking at me like I was some kind of monster. Their eyes glared at me with every step, never breaking away. So the whole third grade knows this secret too. Great.

I eventually found Grace sitting by my favorite tree, watching the cars. I used to think it was pathetic to just sit here and isolate yourself, but she made it look normal. 

"Hi, Grace." I greeted her with a huge smile. She turned her head and frowned. I was concerned and confused. "What's wrong?" I sat beside her, but she quickly rose to her feet. Her hands balled into fists and tears trickled down her normally cheerful face.

"Please don't talk to me ever again." Before I could respond, she ran away crying. I was devastated; what happened to her in those few hours? I couldn't process what just transpired. But I had two choices at that point: run after her, or stay at the tree and cry. 

I eventually caught up to her and tapped her shoulder. She turned around quickly and her expression dropped.

"Why don't you want me to talk to you?" I asked. "I though we were friends no matter what." The expression on her face told me that something bad was coming. She had never lied to me before, and I assumed she wasn't going to then. What I failed to realize was this:

"I can't be friends with a freak."

The kids froze and stared directly at us. I was speechless. I two things at that moment: 1) I am truly alone in this world; and 2) even deaf people can hear their heart break. The other kids started laughing and pointing at me. I was crushed and humiliated. I bolted towards my sanctuary where I cried harder than ever before. Her words were stuck in my head, repeating over and over. I just lost my best friend, my only friend. I was on my own again.