Without A Voice (Based On A True Story)

Downward Spiral

Life never returned to the norm ever since that incident with Grace. In fact, my life turned a dark corner. I was not only the class outcast; now, I was monster that broke poor, innocent Grace's heart. Kids confronted me at every interaction and interrogated my motives for hurting my ex-friend. I didn't care about them; I only knew that my only friend called me a freak. I was a lone soldier fighting against the entire world again. 

I reluctantly went out to recess the next day. It was a fairly warm day, not too hot for others to run and play. I sat at my hangout spot, contemplating my life choices. Grace's words echoed loudly in my head, as if she were shouting from inches away. They reminded me that I couldn't trust anyone ever again. I knew that everyone would end up hurting me, so I needed to keep that wall up. In the middle of my thoughts, I felt a familiar sensation on the ground. 

I didn't even need to turn around to know it was Grace. I immediately stood up, not even looking at her. She grabbed my shoulder and spun me around. 

"Hey!" She said angrily. "I want to talk to you." I looked at here eye-to-eye. She took a step back, scared of my dark energy I emitted. 

"I thought you don't want to talk to a freak like me." I responded harshly. I began walking towards the opposite end of the playground. She grabbed me again.

"Please let me explain." She begged. The other kids stared at us.

"No, there is nothing you can say to me that'll make me forgive you." She started to cry. Her tears didn't bother me, especially after what she said to me. "I don't want to ever speak to you again." Then, she broke down and cried. She dropped to her knees, covering her face. The other girls comforted her, while I walked away from her. 

A spectacle like that also came with backlash towards me. I made Grace cry, and everyone now had another reason to hate me. No one cared about my side. 

"What is wrong with you?" they shouted. "What did she do to you? You hurt her feelings because she sees you're a freak too?" Each comment chipped away at my soul, degrading what little spirit I had left in me. Obviously, she didn't say anything regarding her side and neither did I. No one needed to know but us and the adults that mattered. There was one comment that was my absolute favorite: "This is why no one likes you."

During math class, I was called into Mr. Kent's class. I walked into the room and was greeted with glaring eyes. I could feel the hatred they all had for me. However, Grace stared at her desk, too afraid to look at me. I tried to ignore the others and walked to Mr. Kent's desk, where he was grading papers. He looked up at me, then turned to the class.

"Okay, back to work." He instructed the angered students. "I want those worksheets done before lunch." He then returned his attention to me. He had a disappointed look the instance we made eye contact. "Let's talk outside." He stood up and we both walked onto the balcony.

"So I..." Mr. Kent began.

"I know why you called me here." I interrupted. I stared at the ground, avoiding his judgement. He waved at me to get my attention.

"I want to hear your side of the story." I started to sniffle, trying to fight back the tears.

"I don't want her to get punished."

"Why would she get in trouble? What happened?" I told him the events that transpired. I could see the disbelief after every sentence. His jaw dropped lower and lower as I went on with my tale. Retelling the story caused me to sob profusely. I relived the events in my mind, and it hurt twice as much as the first iteration.

"I don't know why she said that, but I don't care." I said, wiping tears off my cheeks. "The point is she said it. I don't want you or Ms. Anderson to make this better. I will never forgive her." Mr. Kent placed both hands on my shoulders.

"Are you sure that's what you want?" Without hesitation, I nodded my head. "But she was your friend. Doesn't that mean anything?"

"After she called me a freak?! No, it does mean something. It means that she is just like the others and I can't trust any of them." I stormed back to Ms. Anderson's class, greeted by more angry students. I glared right back at them. Ms. Anderson requested me to her desk.

"Is everything alright?" she asked concerned. I nodded my head to avoid a longer conversation. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, Ms. Anderson." I replied. "May I return to my work?" Her concerned expression remained on her face as she excused me. Little did I know my classmates were about to upgrade their tactics.

On my way to the cafeteria the kids (even those not in my class) would step on my heels, push me, and throw rocks at me. Attacks from the front and back made my journey a living hell. Some kid even slapped my food tray from my hands. I wasn't accused of making the mess and the kid was punished with detention. However, I felt incredibly vulnerable, like I was never safe. Mr. Kent and Ms. Anderson asked how I was doing after every incident, but there was nothing more they could do to help me. The only sure-fire option was to transfer to a different school, but who was to say that the same thing wouldn't have happened at the next school.

The cruelty continued for weeks, but it felt like years. My classmates took every opportunity to make my life a living hell. They waited for the moments when no adults were looking to strike. From the restroom to the playground, multiple kids relentlessly harass me. Each day was the same thing day in and day out, slowly chipping away at my psyche. I saw the downward spiral my life was heading towards with no chance of escape. Not even Mr. Kent, Ms. Anderson, or Mother could save me from my fate. It was then when I gave up, not just on life but on my humanity. I became a cold, logical robot. 

I accepted my role as the class punching bag. I allowed the my peers to take their jabs at me, but showed no emotion. I stopped talking to everyone, aside from general greetings to teachers. It eventually became boring for my bullies and l slowly slipped back into obscurity. The other kids eventually ignored me again and the teachers paid less attention to me. The norm was restored for the most part and life became familiar again. However, that was all about to change.

It was January and we all returned from Winter Vacation. I didn't do much aside from making the traditional Japanese mochi (sticky rice balls) for New Years and spend time with my family. The holidays were always a great time for me and it broke my heart to see it go. I wanted to stay in the sanctity of my home for as long as possible, but I knew that wasn't going to save me this time. 

I walked towards the classrooms and was met with a group of staring eyes. The anger in their eyes was hard to hide. I was confused as to how their anger linked to me, or if it had to deal with me after all. I quickly studied the area outside Mr. Kent's door; Grace was absent. She was usually at school before me, except today. 

Tina stormed towards me, her fists clenched tight. She shoved me hard enough to shove me to the ground; mind you I was one of the heaviest kids in the grade-level. I winced in pain, inspecting the cuts on my palms from the fall. She towered over me, casting a large shadow over me. I was terrified. If she was strong enough to push me over, she surely could do much worse damage if she desired.

"How could you?!" She shouted at me with such rage. I had no idea what she was referring to. I just gave her a puzzled look. Frustrated, she grabbed my shirt collar tightly. "Grace, you idiot! She moved away!" I was lost for words. Grace left? But why?  "Yeah, she left and it is all your fault!" 

My fault? Grace left because of me? I couldn't believe what she just said. Yeah, she and I ended on a rocky start but I never told her to leave. How was I supposed to know these series of events would transpire? It couldn't have been my fault. But I knew I couldn't worry about that. The bigger issue is now the class had yet another reason to despise me, and the only one verify my innocence moved to a different school. The nightmare, though how unimaginably hard it was to believe, just got worse and I was alone to live it.