Without A Voice (Based On A True Story)

17

The bright light of the rising sun woke me. I was slightly disappointed that my birthday was over, but it was a new day with a new adventure. It was a Saturday, so we were in no rush. I went through my weekend routine: brush my teeth, change my clothes, warm up some waffles and watch cartoons. Everyone was still asleep, so I had to turn the volume down on the television. Still no word from Kourtney yet, but I didn't care. I told myself that she needs to come to me; I didn't do anything wrong, so there is no reason for me to initiate the conversation.

Around ten o'clock, I ran errands with Mother and Jacob. We went to the grocery store to pick up ingredients for dinner. Both Jacob and I had soccer games in the afternoon, so it was the opportune time to get things done. We played at different fields (me playing closer to our grandparents' house). With that, I was going to be dropped off at the field and will catch a ride to my grandparents' house with a teammate. So far, it was looking like a good day.

I made it to the field an hour early, so that Mother and Jacob could get to their game in time. None of my teammates were there yet. I watched the ongoing game, sitting way behind the spectators; it was two of the middle-ranked teams in the league, Kaneola and Wainaku. It was a seemingly even match from what I observed. I wasn't concerned with the score; I tried to focus on our upcoming game against the top team, Hana.

Ten minutes later, I felt my phone vibrate. It was a message from Kourtney. I opened it; it was a simple 'We need to talk.' My heart started to race, but not because I was nervous about talking to her again. Seeing her text brought back the hurt and pain I experienced the day she cheated on me. I thought I was over with it and moved on with my life, but she placed that spell on me. I took a deep breath and continued putting on my equipment.

'Go ahead,' I texted her a few minutes later, 'but make it quick. I have a game in an hour.' I wanted to assert my dominance in this conversation. I wasn't going to let her control the conversation or the situation. More importantly, I wasn't going to let her reel me back into her clutches.

'Why the hell did you tell my counselor?' She didn't say hell, but I don't condone such language. I got the message loud and clear; she was beyond mad. 

'You said you were going to kill yourself.' I responded, 'That isn't something I take lightly.'

'I wasn't really going to do it.'

'How was I supposed to know that?! Suicide isn't something you can throw out there and expect no one to do anything.'

'But you didn't have to tell my counselor!' At this point, I was getting more and more furious with her. She didn't understand the severity and seriousness of stating one wants to kill one's self. It is not a joking/casual topic. But she thought it was okay to threaten me with her life. I let her have it.

'Listen, let's say I kept it to myself. If something had happened to you, I couldn't live with that kind of guilt. This, from what you said to me, was beyond my knowledge and comfort so I got help. I was placed in a very tough spot and I made the right choice, whether you like it or not.' Silence. Five minutes passed, then five more minutes. Before I knew it, it was time to warm up. I gathered my things into my duffel bag and walked across the field, where the rest of my team was sitting. I greeted them all like I normally did, masking the inner rage from that infuriating conversation with Kourtney. I think I held my composure pretty well, considering no one suspected a thing. 

The game went really well, in my opinion. We were tied scoreless going into the last quarter. Then, one of our lead scorers won the game for us with an amazing, close-up shot. Nonstop attacks from the opposing sides, exhausting my defense and me beyond any games prior. We were all elated when that final whistle blew. We jumped and cheered, modestly celebrating our well-earned victory over the top team. This game cemented our top-seed spot in the league. Life was good for a moment.

We gathered under a nearby tree to enjoy team snacks. We were all laughing and joking in a circle. We brought up moments of the game, discussed our next game, and shared our weekend plans. I was just happy to be a part of the celebration, for once. Aside from my Faraday teammates, I have never received praise and congratulations from my off-season teammates before.

Reality shifted back onto my previous issue. I decided to check my messages, seeing if Mother had texted me. There was only one message, and it wasn't from Mother. 

'Well, you ruined my life!' Kourtney said, 'Now my family has to go to counseling! I didn't want them to get involved!' She sent that message sometime around halftime. I obviously wasn't going to text her during the game, but I couldn't tell what she was thinking. Was she thinking that I wasn't talking anymore? Only she knew. I took a deep sigh of frustration. Our sweeper, Steven, heard me and asked what was wrong. Not wanting to reveal my personal turmoil, I had to think quick and lie.

"Oh, it's nothing." I said, "My mom just said that my brother's team lost. Tough luck, huh?" I felt bad for lying to Steve. He never gave me a reason to before, but this was not the time or place. 

"We all can't be lucky." He smiled at me and patted me on the shoulder, then walked away. My ride was ready to leave, so I packed my things and walked with them to their car. Throughout the car ride home, the family and I talked about the game. I was a little distracted, but I played it off as exhaustion. I replied with short responses and little insight. The family respected that I was tired and let me be. 

I wanted to text Kourtney back, but couldn't think of a rebuttal; plus, it would have been rude after saying I was tired. She blamed me for her family receiving counseling and working out their issues. Did I feel guilty? Not necessarily; it was not my prerogative for her family to find out her issues in the way they did, but now they know and can make the appropriate course of action. She tried to play games, and she got her consequences. 

I thanked my teammate and his family for driving me home. I waved goodbye and proceeded into my grandparents' property. I looked at my phone again, and there was an unread message. Kourtney would not give up.

'Aren't you going to say anything?!' She texted me. Of course, I was upset that she wouldn't give me time to live my life.

'I had a game today.' I texted back. 'You're mad at me, let's get that clear. You have a problem with me, not the other way around. I'm not dropping everything to text you, like I did before.' I didn't feel like I needed to explain myself, but she wasn't getting the message. I knew what she was trying to accomplish; she wanted an apology. It's a shame she wasn't going to get one.

'So youre okay with my family going to counseling?!' She texted back.

'If you're looking for me to say sorry, guess again.' I replied.

'You ruined my life!' 

'Ok, goodbye forever.' Those were the last words I ever spoke to Kourtney. She never replied back, which I could imagine. After that exchange, I immediately blocked her on all my social media and deleted her phone number. I paused for a moment to reflect on what just happened. My first crush, first love, is now removed from my life completely. She was just an inhabitant of my past. Mother never really like her, or approved of our relationship. She respected my feelings for Kourtney, but never supported us dating. I finally understood why. Mother saw something in Kourtney that I never saw at the time. Boy, was I happy to be wrong for the first time. 

I assumed she maintained her relationship with the Faraday soccer team. She was good at playing off her true feelings. I never asked them about her, and they never brought her up around me. My life was somewhat back to normal, but I was lost for a moment, hollow inside. I made the decision to cut an influential person out of my life forever. I thought I was over it a month ago, but I guess I was wrong again. I needed to rediscover myself; she was a big part of my life, and now she's gone. I was 17 years old, but I was back at square one.