No Strings Attached (Shawn Mendes Fanfic)

Chapter 7~ Strings

Chapter 7
Strings

     My heart beat starts to pick up speed as I stand in front of the unforgettable door. A door that I at least use to see everyday, a door that always brought a smile to my face before I entered it, a door that holds so many precious memories I cherish deep in my heart, memories I never want to lose, but, sadly, they're only memories after all, aren't they? 

My breathing gets heavy, I take in a sharp breath of air, as I feel all the weight crash down on me, I can't take it anymore, I can't lift the weight, no I can't lift the weight anymore. That's why I'm here, right? I'm here to lift it off my shoulders and make everything right. I just really want to understand, I just want to understand, I always ask myself am I turning into someone else, which quite frankly I feel I have, I'm praying I don't forget just who I am, I really want to understand. I want to understand not just who I am, but who we are.

   I need to be honest, I need to tell him that this isn't his fault, and everything i said, yes I meant it, and it kills me cause the worst part of all is that I hate to hurt him. He doesn't deserve to be hurt, he deserves to be loved. I want to be the one to love him to hold him, but how can I be that to him when all I do is hurt him, I'll admit it I have a bad reputation, he knows what I did last summer, I won't lie to him, but there's no other cause he knows what I did last summer, he knows where I've been. 

   I ruin his happiness, I've ruined our love how can I expect him to forgive me? Don't be a fool,  how can he still love me after everything I've put him through? What am I doing, this is crazy! I turn on my heel I can't bring it back to him it's black and burns, you need someone who can treat you better, that's not me.     I'm running low on hope for us, how can this work?

    My hands are stuffed in my hoodie pockets as I begin to walk down the porch steps, it's one of those nights where there's not a star in the sky just a clear black atmosphere, the only light is the moon as it illuminate(s) the world.  I continue to walk down the driveway as I pass his black Jeep I find my feet frozen in this spot not able to move as those memories Flood back into my mind.

     Sweet memories of late night car rides around Pickering, my feet propped up on the dashboard as one of his hands are intertwined with mine, his other steers the wheel effortlessly. Faint sounds of John Mayers voice comes from the stereo, while his phone plays on shuffle. He didn't have to show you he cared because you can feel he did. I remember that I wouldn't trade that moment for the world. Being with the person that made me feel my best no matter the time, being with the man with the biggest heart I've ever saw, the humblest personality possible,  the most trustworthy person you can ask for, always being the life of the party at the dullest times.

   I remember me being my happiest at that moment, I remember not knowing anything at that moment I didn't even know my name, but I did know something, I knew my love for him was prominent, permanent, endless. In that moment those three empty words weren't so empty. Maybe I was just a kid in love, maybe those roses you use to get me represented our love.  Beautiful and young, until it grew and slowly started to die, no longer fresh and vibrant.  Maybe when you act like you love me, it doesn't help me move on, it only helps me believe it can still work. So am I just going to give up? Just like this? 

  I stand in the night, my hand is gently laid on the sleek black Jeep, eyes closed shut reminiscing in the past, until they open. When they open I am faced with my reflection through the tinted windows, tears slowly slide down my face as I stare at myself. The bitter aftertaste is hitting me now, it's a punishment for not having patience with our relationship, for not realizing we were something big, for giving up when it all got a little too much,  for not turning the lights on to get us through our dark times. 

He promised me I'll never be alone that I'll always be loved, even when I was on my knees begging him for mercy to take me back, begging him saying please no promises, because we can't keep our promises. That was false we could, he could, he did he loved me, made me feel like I'll never be alone, now I have to keep my promise, my promise to never let him go.

I shake my head, angered with myself at almost giving up so easily. We fight, we argue, yes we don't have the best relationship but we give each other love and happiness, and if this is what it takes to keep that and never lose it, then I'm not going to hesitate to make things right again.

I turn on my heel running backup the porch steps and to the door knocking on it numerous times, standing in the same place I was standing in moments ago. My forehead rested on the door as I catch my breath, tears streaming down my flushed, cold wind touched cheeks, my hands on the door keeping me steady as I wait for the door to open to let me in, into his heart again.

"Hold on." A sweet soft familiar voice says from the other side of the door, making my breath hitch in my throat. Just the sound of his voice gives me comfort. I take one step back from the door, when I hear the door handle jiggle.  My eyes glued to my feet when the door opens. It's silent not a single sound, nothing.

I lift my head up, and through my thick eyelashes and tear blurred vision, I see him. I see the man I fell in love with on those night time drives around Pickering, the sweet, humble, caring, heartfelt boy anyone would fall in love with.

Nows my time, right nows my time to fix everything and get everything back, and to tell him I want all the strings attatched.