the war against myself

i'm not what you wanted.

with brilliantly wide, brown eyes, he studied the small specks of snow that fell from the cloudy sky. he watched it convert from a speck of soft ice into a drop of rain, melting against the rough pavement below his feet. and he wondered if he should turn around and leave everything the way it was right then, but he knew that it was now or never.

he wants to know now.
no matter how fucked up he had become over this — the countless nights where he lied awake or those times where he failed tests because she was the only thing on his mind — he was willing to do anything for answers. that's all he wanted, that is all he intended to know.

the boy with pitch black hair shakily walked up to her porch, pressing his pale knuckles against the door before lightly knocking. some part of him prayed that she wasn't home so that he had a chance to just forget everything and leave. but another part of him wanted to see her again — the eyes that used to adore him, the love in her words that wasn't said with regret, the soft hands that he would kill to hold, and the plump lips she used to kiss away the pain. he then realized how much he had missed her being in his life.

the way the stillness of the tall, uncut grass on her lawn rustled along with the dead, crumbled-up leaves and how the entire world's chaotic noises died down for a split second; he knew what it all meant. his feet moved backwards, snow flaking over his black hair as he swallowed passed a lump in his dry throat.

she was gone.

there was no resolution to his endless misery. he was never going to get the answers he needed, never going to receive the smile that he desperately wanted to see one more time. no more sunny days or long chats about music and art. it was over. he started heading back to his house, and the only thing on his mind was the idea of him losing her forever.

the boy needed to understand that she loved someone else and the person she loved dearly, loved her back. just like they used to back then.

even though it hurt, he was happy for her.

as long as she's okay,

nothing else really matters.