Beating Hearts

"Sunflowers, Glitter, and Chad"

Chad made medium-rare perfectly cooked steaks and French fries that day, we had some wine and decided to head out for a walk since the weather was perfect.

Walking out the door we walked past a couple and their child, the little girl's father was holding her hand in a heartfelt way, The only thoughts that seemed to fill each and every single corner of my mind was the fact that I never knew how that felt, to know if your father truly loves you. In a non-offensive way, my father wasn't an ideal dad, in fact he wasn't even close. My mother always held my hand through everything, from basketball games to giving me advice about how a man should treat me and how I only deserve someone who will know my worth. She was always genuinely happy, or at least that's what everyone around her thought, but none of them knew how truly heartbroken and miserable she is. I knew she never felt enough, I knew I wasn't the perfect daughter that had the highest grades but I never truly put in much effort on my tests, my only priority was being educated and intelligent, what others thought and how they judged me never got to me until it was too late.
I knew deep down that she hates the fact that she put me through what she went through before me, living without a father by her side.

My fathers image haunts me day and night, I know I left and I also know he never cared, but sometimes I wonder if I crossed his mind as he lives in mine. I hope his two sons -my half brothers- are doing great, I wonder if he ever got a daughter, one he'll love and show more affection for than me and my sister. Little things like sushi restaurant, sport cars, and art museums I walk past every day remind me of him.

My mother wasn't as rich as my father, and I don't think she'll ever be because it was never a goal for her to reach or anything she had in mind that she wanted to achieve with money, she only wanted our happiness and that's why she managed to provide everything; food on our table, shelter above our heads, and making sure we maintained humble and kind, that was the person my mother was, a person way too strong and pure for this world.

I knew that my fathers house, that was as big as seven villas combined never felt like home, my personal home was between my mothers arms, where I can hear her calm heartbeat while she plays with my hair.

I've missed her so much and the guilt of leaving her and my little sister never left my side.

I tried to keep my head up as I felt quite dizzy while Chad was talking about what he loved, he stopped for a moment and glanced towards me, his eyes made my heart skip a beat and made me forget all the tragedies I've went through, he made me feel strong within his presence.

He looked at the floor and then looked back up at me again, somehow the bad boy was a combination of my mothers arms and my sisters hazel green eyes, he was also my home.

"What do you love?"

"Huh?" I was confused, he made me nervous in the weirdest possible way.

"Tell me what you enjoy most, and why you do!"

I've never seen him as excited about something as listening to me talk endlessly. When I was happy I'd usually talk unstoppably unintentionally, and I guess that was how I spent most my time when I was with Chad.

"Um, I love sunflowers because they remind me of when I was younger back in school, when I felt like collapsing because of my family issues, sunflowers seemed to give me a sense of freedom, a reminder that everything will yet again be peaceful and others would treat me kindly! I love glitter as well! Oh my god I love glitter so much! it's so sparkly and I want it everywhere I want this entire world to be full of glitter! And I love you oh my god even more than sunflowers and glitter combined!"

I did not just say that, please tell me I didn't say that last line, he thinks I'm an idiot now, Sarah you're an idiot do you know that?

"Sarah?"

"Yeah?" I looked up at his brown eyes and couldn't help but turn red, I was so embarrassed, how did that slip out of my mouth.

"I love you too"

I melted, my heart melted, I no longer exist, I am officially dead. Chad is the death of me and  those brown eyes will make me fall into place one day.