In My Sister's Shadow (Book 1)

12. Back Home.

Back home in Birmingham, mum opened the front door dressed in her floral PVC apron, peering over my shoulder expecting the children.
"Where are the children?" She lingered in the doorway.
I walked straight past her stomping through the hallway.
"Your daughter is here. Aren't you gonna say salaam to me?"
I went straight into dad's study and grabbed the laptop to take to my bedroom. Mum came after me trying to register my mood.
"Zayn chucked me out of the house! He didn't want me to bring the kids! He said if you want to see them you should go." I threw my jacket on the desk and grabbed the charger from the top desk drawer and took the laptop to my bed room.
"Is everything okay with you two?" Mum shouted at me from the bottom of the staircase.
"No ammi, it isn't!"
I slammed my door shut, finally alone!

****

My bedroom was my haven. It was a medium size room with a single bed on the left corner pushed against the window. The smaller my bed, the more space for my books, shelves and bookcases. Everything was still in its place.

The bookmark was still in the current book I was reading; A Parenting Guide from Birth to 5 Years. It was my bible for coping with the children. The row of books placed chronologically, in the date of when I first bought them. The oversized purple beanbag slumped in the corner. And under my pillow were my favourite red reading socks and white earphones. I neared my window sill and traced my fingers round the ringed coffee stain. A world away from the noise. It was bliss

Falling back on my bed, I stared at the ceiling. Why did I agree to marry Zayn? Why did I give into the pressure? I wanted my life back. I wanted my boring single life when everyday was predictable as the next. Stepping into Zeenat's shoes was more difficult than I anticipated. It was like I was living her life, taking over her mistakes. Why couldn't I start afresh?

I switched on the laptop and logged onto my Facebook account. Still on the scent of finding the mysterious Kash, I scrolled through Zeenat's Facebook wall. My heart swelled with sadness bringing reality to the forefront. The final picture Zeenat shared was a chilling quote on a backdrop of darkness.

"She was brave
and strong
And broken
all at once.
Anne Funder."

She was hurting and alone in her pain. The thought made me melt with sadness. Her posts were all private and only visible to her friends. I went through all 255 of her friends but couldn't find anyone who resembled the name Kash. Then it hit me. Kash told Zeenat to come on Facebook. That was the final message. So, if I could log into her account I could access her inbox and find the messages of Kash. However, I didn't have her email address or her password. It was a nonstarter. I fell back on my bed in hopelessness.

The door opened and mum entered carrying a plate of homemade freshly baked blueberry muffins and English tea. She placed the tray on my desk and sat on my bed staring at the wall.

"I bought three spatulas for the children. Two blue ones and one pink. I know how much they love to make cupcakes." Her shoulders slanted with sadness. I forgot about her. Mum suffered from depression. The children were something she was looking forward to see.
"I woke up in the morning looking forward to today." Explained mum. "I got up and went shopping early. I like it when the shops are quiet. Since you've gone the house is empty."
My stomach twisted with guilt. I felt sick with myself the way I barged in. I placed my arms around her shoulders and kissed her cheek.

"I'm sorry ammi. I was rude."

"Tell me, what happened?"

"I accused him of having an affair."

Mum raised her eyebrow, the way she does when she highly disapproves.

"I know! I know." I shrugged my shoulders. I needed sugar. Bags of it.