Solo Mix Tape

No More Dream

I stayed up the whole night, thinking about the cries of our young maknae. Jimin came home early in the morning. He walked into the room and was shocked to find me slumped against a wall, tired from lack of sleep. 

"Oh my gosh. Hyung, you look terrible," said a concerned Jimin, rushing to my side. I gave a small but tired chuckle.

"Yeah, yesterday was a long day," I said. But upon seeing Jimin's face, all the events of yesterday came rushing back like a whirlwind. The smile on my face faded as I knew that he would have to hear the news as well...sooner or later. I pushed his arm away from me and stood up slowly. Even when I pushed him away, his concern was still focused on me as he looked up. 

"Are you okay Hyung?" he asked.

"Yeah.I'm fine," I nonchalantly replied. I gave a small sigh and gathered my clothes, heading to the bathroom to freshen up. I stripped myself of my clothes and turned the knob to hot. As the shower head poured down water, the heat of the water stung my skin. It was painful, but it was nothing compared to the pain in my heart. The pain acted as a guise for my emotional agony. It was the only thing that could distract me from thinking about everything. 

I stayed soaking in the shower for a good twenty minutes before stepping out and getting dressed. I ruffled my wet hair in frustration, not wanting to tell Jimin the news. He was so important to me as a friend, but I was going to break his heart anyway. I gritted my teeth and shut my eyes tightly, punching the bathroom wall beside me. I wanted to scream but I couldn't. And so, begrudgingly I walked as calmly as I could out of the bathroom and out to where Jimin sat on his bed, playing his phone. When he noticed my presence, he looked up and smiled.

"Are you doing better now Hyung?" he asked sweetly but with a slight hint of concern.

I smiled back and nodded. How could one not smile back? He was never mean to any of the members and cared for me the most. I couldn't do it. I couldn't break it to him. At least, not now. But eventually, before the days of BTS without Suga came along, I would tell him.  I hated myself for not being able to tell him but it was not time, my heart told me.

And so, the day passed by slowly but steadily. Jimin went to sleep almost immediately from working hard overnight. I ate breakfast by myself, the other members having woken up earlier than me so that they would not have to face me. In the silence of the kitchen, I had time to think to myself. About the future. About the members. Would BTS never be the same again, just like EXO without three members? So many questions...but with no answers. I could only look to myself to push through the possible pain that the answers might bring me. 

I looked out the window at the shining sun. "If only the situation right now could be as bright as that sun," I thought. "But the funny thing is, right now my world is dark. Maybe it's because I'm sad. Or maybe it's because I realized that I have... no more dream."