Lilac

Walls

All my authors notes are me apologizing for not updating, this time I'm not.

It was the Last Day Before Winter Break Eve when Phil lost it.

During first period, he tapped his pencil in irritation faster than a rabbit's heartbeat. It's been four days since he met Dan. It's been four days for the fact that Dan refused to give Phil his number, four days since Phil has even talked to Dan.

It wasn't like Dan was necessarily avoiding Phil- he was kind of hard to avoid, being so tall. Dan just didn't feel the need to approach him. And it wasn't like Phil was making an effort, right? So it doesn't matter. That's what he told himself.

Dan's wrists have been gradually getting worse. What once was a beautiful dawn blue, was now black and red. He had switched over to the other wrist, but it was the same process.

He did enjoy watching the transition from the beautiful blueness of his veins to the dark royal purple contrasting against his skin, to the familiar red and grunge black. He couldn't stop snapping the band. Every time his heart beat was a new pull and release. He felt like he was in control of something for once. The pain fixed upon his wrist was a reminder of something real, something there for him.

It became an obsession. 'How many times will I snap today?' He spends time rolling up his sleeves and looking at what he sees as perfection.

No, not perfection. Nothing in this world was perfect, that, Dan was sure of. The world is too ugly of a place, for anything beautiful to live, much less perfect. But this was as good as he was getting, and he was content with that.

The habit didn't last long, as his skin started to rip at the seams. He was slowly sanding off the skin of his wrist and there was almost nothing there to snap unless he wanted a gaping cut.

The next week was traumatic.

Day one he kept grabbing for it. He impulsively lead his hand to his wrist when it wasn't occupied. And, when it would get there and find nothing but pain from the bruise, a heavy feeling in his stomach would settle in and stay there for a while. He got tense, and felt like he had to grab onto the desk, or settle his weight on walls- to have some sense of control. His leg was bouncing when it wasn't walking, and his fingers tapped on whatever he could find.

Day two he wore a thick hoodie to prevent going to his wrist, but he kept clawing at his palm with his right hand. It was like an itch he couldn't scratch. The pressure from his knuckles made him more uncomfortable.

That was really how he felt the next few days, uncomfortable.

There was this emotion that had settled deep within him. It boiled from deep inside of his stomach. Over those periods of days that felt like he had been restrained, something boiled inside of him.

***

Dan stared at the floor of the classroom as intently as he should have been listening. He didn't know what period he was in besides that it wasn't English. Everything outside of his personal bubble was just a blur. The colors and the sounds and the movement just seemed, unreal.

"Dan?"

Dan only blinked and mentally told himself to look up. He didn't want to move. He felt like if he moved he would just fall to the ground and stay there.

He made himself look up, and to no surprise was Phil Lester staring down at him with his icy blue eyes.

"Yes?" Dan has mumbled out. It sounded more like a grunt, maybe even a cough. Dan's mouth felt numb. Dan felt numb. Everything about his body seemed dysfunctional, like it had all stopped working, stopped feeling. Everything except his right wrist, which though it was replacing the heart's job.

"Are you okay? You seem really," Phil trailed off for a few seconds. There was a lot of things Dan seemed like. Moody, tense, distant, unstable... "tired." He finished.

Dan would have rolled his eyes at having to talk again, if it weren't for the fact that he didn't want to move his eyes. He just slowly blinked and responded, "I am. Do you wanna hang out later to actually work on English and not goof off?"

Phil looked more confused than he did, shocked or understanding. The feeling was mutual, since Dan didn't even was to open his mouth to breath, much less form sentences and commit to social events.

As Phil opened his mouth to respond, the bell rang, and it was single handedly, the most annoying thing that had happened to Dan all week. 

***

Hi guys! I haven't been updating a whole lot because I felt like I needed to take a break and sort my life out and not have to concentrate on one depressed and sleep deprived character when I already am one. It's winter break so i'll be updating ALL my stories soon and publishing another one (lmao what a good idea right). next chapter is going to be v emotional ( I hope ) so be ready for that, i'll try to update by Friday but no promises

Remember to put yourself at top priority and know when to take breaks or treat yourself for all the hard work you've been doing. And all you lovely flowers have been doing something! You've been staying alive right? Thats something to be proud of! Not everyone can do that. 

Please remember that I appreciate you all so so much and I really do genuinely mean the things that I put in these authors notes. 

Have a nice day, ducklings. You are valid and beautiful.

-S