Lilac

Emotions

Pain has a purpose- at least, it usually does. If you're bleeding, how would you even know if you didn't feel anything? Dan didn't know why he had this pain.

He was so numb to the world, yet everything he felt impacted him more than the last. It was a hurricane of emotions and thoughts- and Dan was in the eye watching it all swirl in front of him.

But it was all a fake numb. He wasn't in the eye at all. He was on the edge being sucked into chaos pretending everything was still. 

It worked well until today.

Dan sat crying on the tile floor not knowing what to feel, not knowing what to do, not knowing why. The world had landed on his shoulders and he didn't know how to hold it up, now everything is crashing down on him and he's taking the fall. Everything was his fault. He may not know what everything was- but it was all because of him. He fucked up everything- from his relationship with his brother, to his life in general. He could have sucked it up and been normal. But he created a life of pain and seclusion. His life was practically worthless now. A waste, really. And maybe this time death would be a much better option than pain.

He was in a house of sadness, anger, confusion and pain and there was no windows or doors. This was the house he had built around himself. and now he was trapped. 

This was more than just crying- more than just tears streaming down his face. It was a desperate sobbing that comes from a person drained of what little hope they had. He sobbed into his hands, and tears leaked onto the floor through his fingers. He was noisy and messy. His breath jerked as he tried gasping for breath in his sea of tears, and his screams and sobs echoed off the walls, but nobody was there to see it. 

His hands turned to fists as anger started to boil up within him and nearly evaporated his sadness. Tears still streamed down his face, but a hot keenness to hate. To hate the world, to hate the people in his life, and to hate himself, most of all. 

Anger and Dan don't mix very well. He gets intoxicated in it- so caught up in hate that it eases into more of a mess than he was before. But the acidity of it in the moment seethed inside his stomach and got spat out it curses and screams. 

He hated the pulse of his wrists, and the discoloration of them. He hated his scared up skin, and how his brother would never look at him the same because of it. He hated his family for never being there, he hated himself most. He hated that he had done this to himself. He hated the life he created. He hated getting weird looks from other kids in the hallway. He hated how secluded from the world he was. He hated that he didn't even have himself as a friend. He hated what person he's become, and he hated the person he saw in the future. 

He hated it with all of his heart, body, soul and mind. It occupied every corner of himself, and the only way he could release it was screaming- so thats what he did. He screamed out all the bubbling anger and he screamed out all his hate until there was no breath left to breath. 

How exactly do you describe anger? We've all been angry. You know what anger feels like. You know that feeling in your stomach. You know how madly you want to scream when you're angry. You know anger. So the best way to explain Dan's would be a pipe with water building up in it, and all the bolts start to come undone, and the pipe doesn't just break, it slowly starts to explode, and afterward its the best feeling. It's the most calming feeling. Because after, you just feel empty. 

That's how Dan felt after all of this. Once his tears started to cry on his cheeks and his breathing got more paced, that's how he felt, empty. Empty of all poison he had in his body. Empty of all the anger and sadness. Now he felt lighter, he felt whole, he felt okay- he felt royal blue. His emotional breakdown had come to an end, and now all he wanted to do was sleep, because he had nothing left to feel other than tired. 

***

Looking back at it now, Dan felt stupid thinking back to him sobbing on the ground with clenched fists screaming at nothing. He cringed at the thought of him crying- yelling and screaming was a whole new level. He was embarrassed thinking out it. The thoughts he had made him uncomfortable to think about. Most were over exaggerated and expressed a little too openly, but a few were true. What was he going to do with his life?

He was meeting  Phil tomorrow at a cafe downtown, he'll find out then. 

AN//

Hey guys, so this didn't turn out how I wanted but I still think its nicely written if anything. (I hope at least)

What do you think? 

Anyway, I think i'm halfway through the book, or at least almost half way, I don't even know. But just know for many more chapters it will only be fun philly lovey dovey and hopefully not much more of the depressy stuff because its very not good for me to get into the mood for me to write this stuff because I have to become dan when I write and it's just not fun okie. 

Anyway, I hope you guys have a nice day/night/afternoon/morning and that this didn't get you too down !!! Go have some tea and a few cookies. Try making a mug cake !!! Do something new that you might enjoy !!! Get out there and be happy !!!

Stay hydrated tho 

-S