idk Life

Sleep

Do you guys ever find it hard to sleep? I legit have something wrong with me because I can never fall asleep on my own. I think it started when I was first learning how to sleep by myself. When I was under the age of 5 I always slept with my mother instead of sleeping in my own room but when my brother was born she forced me out. I still could never fall asleep so I always snuck into her room. Around that time I started having nightmares. It got so bad that my mother started locking me in my room at night. And still I wasn't able to fall asleep. Every night I would sit in the dark by my bedroom door and cry and beg until I unwillingly fell into a sleep plagued with nightmares. I think that's when I started associating sleep with being unsafe and trapped. As I got older I would always think to myself at night that it was so quiet. Too quiet. It was almost as if the world was dead. At least that's how it seemed to me as a little kid. I still can't sleep right. Sometimes when I lay awake I fill that space with music or reading. And sometimes I just listen to the silence. It still scares me. The silence does. When you're sitting alone at 1 in the morning and you hear nothing. So you don't make any sounds. And you pray to god that there's nothing else in the house that's awake in the middle of the night to make a sound for you to hear. It doesn't help that sometimes when it's completely silent that my window will creak behind its curtains and it'll sound like something's tap tap tapping at the glass.