Stronger Than Depression

Chapter 14

Song: Drown by BMTH

Telling him everything was a super hard decision for me to make, but I think it's finally time for him to know everything. He already knows too much, so I think the best thing is to tell him everything. I started with question: "Please, Octavian, just promise me one thing before I start my story."

"I am listening."

"Do not tell anyone. I feel like you will leave me after you hear about my life and it already hurts, but just, I beg you, do not tell a soul."

"I promise I won't. And who would I even tell this to?"

"I don't know. I am sure you have more friends than me. Practically, you are my only friend."

"Don't worry. Now, if you are ready, you can start your story. I don't mind if you start crying or if you don't want to talk about some things. Just say whatever you want." He carefuly patted my knee, while I was sitting next to him on my bed.

"All right, here it goes. God, I am so nervous."

"Relax. Deep breaths."

I chuckled: "You know I was bullied throughout middle school, I have told you that, and that I also kicked Dianas' ass, along with twelve other girls from my class. That wasn't my problem. Yes, I was crying when I was alone in my room, and so on, but I never actually self-harmed because of them. It was when my parents begun being rude and agressive towards me, when I started self harming. They were really angry when I got a bad grade or when my classmates did something to me. They even stopped talking to me for about a week. That week I have started cutting. I took my geometry divider and scratched my skin with the sharp side. It hurt, but not that much. They kept on being rude and hatefull towards me, my whole school hated me. I practically had nobody by my side. Not even my sisters. I was all alone and bad thoughts started occupying my mind. I finally found a razor blade, this one, that is lying on the floor and started cutting my left wrist. See, this is my first scar. Few months after that, things weren't getting any better, so I tried to commit suicide. Let me tell you one thing, you cannot really commit suicide by trying to choke yourself. Later, my parents and I finally had a "serious" conversation, where they just told me how I should get better grades and that they will try and talk to me like before. I quote: "We will pretend like any of this never happened." What a beautiful family, right?" I laughed bitterly.

My eyes were fully dry at this point but I still got a lot of things to tell him, so I continued: "The similar story repeated itself when I started highschool, and this time I tried to commit suicide by overdosing. Somehow, I woke up. My parents and I still don't have a normal conversation because they don't care about anything except my grades. I guess that is why I am really closed and antisocial person. That is the reason I was very shocked and suspicious when I first met you. You were so kind, plus we have so many same interests. It was too good to be truth. After a long time of doubting I have finally decided to give you a chance and accept you as my friend. After this today, I thought you were super angry at me and I've disappointed us both. I am a bad person. That was killing me, so I decided that nothing really matters. You know, I actually have stopped cutting when I met you. You were the only one bringing joy to my life. Seeing you angry, seeing a look of disappointment on your face and knowing that I am the main reason for that made me sick. That is why I almost did it again. Yeah, that is practically it. My story. Now you know. I feel so weird finally saying everything out loud."

Octavian looked deep into my eyes and spoke up: "I feel like any word I say would just be too much or ruin everything."

"It is fine. You can say whatever you want."

"I can't believe you stopped cutting when you met me. I can say I am honored, but I also know that is a great responsibility. I feel so bad for hearing that I am the reason you almost started again. My actions were wrong. I am so sorry."