Pause It For One Kiss

4. Unspoken

He had to be out of his mind; there was no other explanation to his masochistic way of dealing withthat whole sick game. 

You learn to love the pain you feel.

He spent his days stepping on Gyu's nerves, just to get noticed but he couldn't stand suddenly being under the leader’s constant attention. He hated being under the leader's radar; his every move carefully examined and judged. He needed someone having his back, not stalking his steps. Why couldn't Sunggyu see that? Maybe it was just too much to ask from him.

That was stupid, on his part, but he didn't feel so sorry about his alternative choice. Not when he sees him leaning on Yeol's back, or lets Dongwoo pat his ass cheeks, or laugh wholeheartedly with Hoya, or feeding Jjongie, or  lovingly playing with Myung's hair. Those were the moments when he forgot to ignore him! Right at those moments he felt  like asking his rightful place, willing to forget his dear band mates and fight with them for Sunggyu's attention.

They knew he was still his! So why did they play with his mind? They perfectly understood how territorial he could get yet they dared to make him jealous.

But it was also because Sunggyu gave them the 'OK' that the members dashed towards his body like moths to a fire. Sunggyu knew Woohyun didn't like sharing him, but the leader dared to ignore this.

Much to his dismay , Sunggyu didn't try approaching him in any way. He just joyously accepted the kids' fussing and went about spending quality time whenever and weherever possible; leaving him to mope in his already dark state of mind.

Granted, he wasn't totally left behind; actually he had been fast absorbed in Myung's personality. While Yeol and Jjongie made it their personal quest to bring him into the wonders of fun time playing games, Dongwoo and Hoya were the most down to earth about the whole ordeal. Never asking for details, but not entirely feigning ignorance; they just tagged along to the gym or practice until late at night whenever they felt like that he needed company.

It was only him that kept the distance. Yeah it was partly his fault since he put the other in the situation that they were facing at the moment.

In the end, he was the one that began to miss him dearly. He missed him to the point that it hurt to even peek or hear his voice and it was a pure torture when they sang on stage. Whenever the other pitched high, he was prone to follow. At such moment his heart yearned to lean forward and grab him and never let him go but his stupid mind kept him reminding that the other was at fault and he needed to apologize for that.

He hated the fact that he loved the leader to such extent that a small change in the leader’s attitude towards him influenced his life greatly.

He shouldn't have let him hold that much influence on him. It was the mere cause of his downfall. He couldn't deal with the fact that his boyfriend wasn’t anymore interested to know about what was going on with his life.

His existence felt unappreciated and he felt unwanted. But what he didn’t understand was the thing that, he took Sunggyu for granted just as much.

He had expected him to know, to see, to aknowledge when he was silently crying for help and when the things weren't ok anymore.

He hadn't taken into consideration the other’s frail health and the amount of work it took to portray the perfect leader and boyfriend image at the same time.

He may have been egoistic, but he had really wanted Sunggyu to put him as priority. Though now he understands that he may have acted out of a whim. How many times had Sunggyu confessed his worries about not being able to fulfill his responsibility to the best of his capabilities?