A Little More(ON HOLD)

While you Sleep

While you Sleep

While you sleep I tell you all of the things I keep inside throughout day.
Now that you can hear but not listen I find them much easier to say.
My hopes, my dreams, my fears, and everything in between
Your subconscious hears so keen, or so it seems.
My tongue is soft; I speak so sweetly
Knowing your reaction will never greet me.

Tonight will be different in what I want you to know.
It has everything to do with what I can't help but show.

- Written by Vee Bdosa

Evy

I've been standing here  to figure out a way to put her back to sleep. It was already going on four  in the morning , and I still wasn't able to figure out what was wrong with Zoe , She wouldn't budge and I was starting to feel like maybe she was sick. As I examined her body I seen rashes and discovered that she had thrown up in her crib. I was scared out of my mind and I hurried to my phone holding her , doing my best to calm her down.

"He  better answer" I dialed his number and became slightly annoyed and anxious at every sound of the phone ringing as I waited for him to pick up. I had been up for what seems like a half an hour trying to fix this , and I decided I needed Kaiden's help.  Just as I thought his voicemail came up.

" You've reached Kaiden Sanders, Leave your name and number and I'll be sure to get back to you, Peace". He never answers, It could be a life or  death situation and he would never answer.  I was getting so frustrated that I felt my eyes began to sting as tears began to stream down my face gradually.

" It's an emergency, Kaiden ... I think Zoe Zoe is sick , she won't stop crying , please call me back .... You know your wife? ", I hung up the phone and shook my head trying to keep my head up for Zoe.

I realized waiting around for Kaiden wasn't going to fix anything  and was probably dangerous for Zoe, so I put on clothes and shoes on both me and her. Driving to the nearest emergency hospital, I kept my eyes on Zoe as she laid in the car seat behind me. I kept trying to call him but it kept going to voicemail and frankly I was tired of calling. When I arrived at the hospital , they took her straight to the room , As I stood at the window watching the doctors  check her vitals and blood, I waited and decided to call Kiara, so at least someone would know where I was.

" Hey Kia, I'm not home the alarm is on and Morgan is at her moms house".

" Okay , got it where you at ? ", The better answer to her question was where was she at, because I was aware that she wasn't back from the party on time like she was supposed to be , but I didn't want to argue with her especially since Zoe wasn't feeling well.

" I came to the emergency room,  Zoe isn't feeling good, and I don't know what's going on."

"Why didn't you wake me up Evy? I could had went with you. Is Kaiden there ? is she going to be okay" she asked concerned about what was going on.

"No  he isn't with me but I don't know yet, and I didn't wake you up because I know you didn't come in from that party till now. " I told her.

"No I'm coming, I'll have a friend drop me off...". I stopped her right there.

"Kiara she's fine, Go  to sleep ... "Okay but Zoe-" I cut her off

"Just listen to me for once , stay at home ! I gotta go " I said frustrated with her so I hang up. I felt bad for going off but I felt like I needed to , let my anger out slightly until I get a hold of Kaiden.

Since we were little she has always been a pain in the ass, who constantly pushed my buttons. Her sophomore year in high school is when she moved in with me . My mother was a drug addict. Not the kind who would do it a couple days a week, the type who would trade her kids in for drugs. Afraid of what could happen to Kia , I decided it would be best for Kia if I took her in rather than her being placed in foster care. I'd rather her stay with me ... with family , someone who can love her unconditionally and teacher how to be a strong woman at that. I promised myself to give her a guide on how to be a strong black woman , who can do it all on her own.  I looked at the time and noticed that and hour had passed by. There he was, His chocolate covered skin, with his white teeth gleaming as he opened his mouth while approaching me. My husband.  We had been together for as long as I could remember, and my body still tingles at the sight of him. Kaiden walked my way, rushing towards me with sweat gleaming on his forehead. Now he wanted to come , after I called him multiple times trying my best to get in contact with him because of Zoe.

"Now you care about your family ?"

"Evy chill out I'm here ain't I?" He never earns up to his mistakes and the shit he do.  I was mad and frustrated, Tonight would be the night I set the record straight on how I've been feeling.

" Your one year old daughter is sitting in there sick, from God knows what and you wanna stand here in my face talking about how you're here now ?... You already missed christmas so whats the excuse for that one ?", my face began to tense up at the sight of his careless actions. " You always do this ! and I'm tired of it , whenever I need you ! you not here".

" I'm not here Evy ?I had work you know that., I don't get Christmas off and I told you I would make it up to you... you know what ? this isn't about you right now , or how you feel it's about my daughter so where is she ? ", I shook my head.

" They haven't came out to give me any information yet ", I sighed. I just wanted him to listen to what I had to say for once , but I realized that it wasn't the right time to talk about it.

As we waited I stared at him trying to figure out what he was thinking. I love this man, but sometimes I feel as if it's just me in this marriage. He was there for me through my business degree , when I didn't have a pot to piss in. He pushed me , and gave me a chance to grow and do what I love , and I've always appreciated him for it. But all that means nothing when you're in a house full of kids, feeling alone.  Every night I think about my life and talk to him. It gave me a sense of strength because I knew he was able to hear me , and not listen. It made everything so much easier to express. I love this man , but I didn't realize what came with the marriage. I was awake throughout it all... and he was just sleep through it all. I miss him...