Breathless • Malec

xi. Magnus

Hey, guys! :) Here's the new update, I just wanted to let you know that I uploaded a very short little author's note in the beginning along with a playlist, and I would greatly appreciate it if you checked those out! I hope you all have/had a lovely day! -elli :)

After the break, classes were starting up again and I was seeing Alec a lot less frequently. After we spent Christmas together, we knew we both really liked each other, but nothing else was said about the matter (although there was a lot making out).

So, I didn't really know what to call us, exactly. We weren't dating, but we were together. It was confusing, to say the least.

It was another boring Tuesday, and after finishing up some business at one of the clubs I owned, I found myself on my purple velvet couch, petting Chairman Meow. He purred lazily as I scratched his head.

I heard a knock at the door, interrupting my petting session. I get up from the couch and take a quick look in the mirror before I get the door, brushing my hair back a bit.

"Hello?" I ask as I open the door. Before I can fully register who it is, I'm being pushed against a wall.

"I've missed you," Alec says in a breathy voice, his hands resting on the wall above my shoulder. I can feel my insides melt.

"I've missed you too," I said back, a bit taken aback. Though, I couldn't say I didn't like it. "This is a nice surprise," I smirk, my hands tracing circles on his sides.

"I was hoping you'd like it," he said as he pressed his lips against my neck. Shivering, I tilted my head to the other side.

Alec pulled away for a few seconds, looking me in the eyes. "You make me feel... different, Magnus," he told me, his eyes big.

"Is that a good thing?"

He paused. "I'm trying to figure that out."

I smirked, then grabbed him by the shirt collar. "Maybe I can help with that," I whispered, then kissed him long and hard.

He pulled away, breathless. "I like where this is going," he half smiled, his finger wrapping around the belt loops on my side.

"I think I do too," I replied, grabbing his hand and dragging him into the living room. I sat down on the couch, pulling him on top of me.

We were on the couch for at least another twenty minutes kissing, before I pulled away. I knew my hair was a mess, probably worse than Alec's (which was pretty bad). I looked into his clear blue eyes, which were big and full of want.

"Alec?" I asked, propping myself up on the back of my elbows, Alec sitting on top of me.

"Yeah?" he said, breathing heavily, his hands planted firmly on my chest. His lips were puffy and red and his shirt was riding halfway up his chest.

I took a deep breath. "Alec, will you be my boyfriend?"

As soon as I said it, I could tell things were only going to go downhill. Alec's eyes widened in shock and he immediately pulled away from me, sitting on the other side of the couch. I sat up too.

"What?" he asked.

"What do you mean what?" I shot back, genuinely hurt.

"I don't know," he said, running his fingers through his hair, his head down. "I just... didn't expect it."

I sighed angrily. He wasn't meeting my look. "Alec, I like you a lot, what did you expect?" He shrugged. "I thought you liked me too," I trailed off bitterly.

His eyes shot up, pleading with mine. "I do like you, Magnus. Probably a lot more than you think, it's just, I'm not, y'know..."

"Out of the closet?" He nodded and I crossed my arms. "You have people that support you, Alec. You have Isabelle," I took a deep breath, not really wanting to say the next name. "You have Jace. You have me."

"It's my parents," he told me. "They don't think the person I am is good, and I can't even think about them hating me," he shivered.

I reached out, taking his hand. "You can tell them when you're ready." He gave me a doubtful look. "Alec, as much as I enjoy kissing you, I want to be more than just a fling."

He scooted a bit closer to me. "I want that too," he reassured me.

"But?" I asked, knowing there was something he didn't exactly want to say.

He sighed, his head drooping again. "I don't know if I can do it, Magnus."

My mind flashed back to the times since Christmas where we had hung out in public. It was him pulling away from me, acting a bit too friendly instead of romantic, Alec trying not to get too close.

"You don't want to be public," I told him, beginning to get angry. I knew he was still in the closet and that it was a scary thing to be afraid of yourself, but it still hurt. "You don't want to be seen with me in public, being romantic. You're fine with it here."

"Magnus, you don't understand-"

I shook my head. "I understand, Alec. Do you know how long I spent hiding who I was?" My voice broke as the painful memories resurfaced. "My parents divorced, then blamed it on me being bisexual," I said, venom filling every word. "I haven't seen them since I was seventeen after they sent me to live with my aunt."

I pulled my hand away from his. "Don't you dare tell me that I don't understand."

Alec's mouth gaped open slightly. "I- I'm sorry, Magnus." I could tell he really was, but I didn't care at the moment.

"It doesn't matter anymore," I told him. "I know it's hard, it really is, but I guess I just had this fantasy that, I don't know, I guess I thought you would do it because you finally came to terms with it," I rambled. "Not for me, but for yourself."

"I can't, Magnus," Alec said, standing up. "I can't be with you right now."

Everything clicked.

"It's Jace," I asked, standing up too. "It's always been about Jace, hasn't it?"

He turned away. "Magnus-"

"No, Alec," I let out a dry laugh. "I understand, now. You've never wanted me," I said.

Alec looked at me. "Magnus," he said, lightly touching my shoulder. "It's complicated-"

Part of me wanted to listen to what he was saying, but the other part had to keep self-preservation of my feelings, though, there was already lots of damage done.

"How stupid of me," I said through gritted teeth. "To think that someone like you could end up with someone like me."

"Magnus," Alec said, fiercer this time. "I like you, okay? I like you a lot. And not just as friends, if that's what you've thought this whole time. I'm awful at expressing my feelings, but trust me when I say that, please?"

I nodded.

Alec closed his eyes, inhaling. "I'm in love with Jace," he admitted. "But-"

"There's no buts, Alec," I snarled, my anger coming unfurled. "You either want me or you don't. And I don't want anyone else but you," I said.

"Magnus, I want you, too," he pleaded.

I rolled my eyes, trying to cover up my pain. "Yeah," I chuckled softly. "But you want Jace more."

"I-"

"Alec, you're just using me," I crossed my arms, staring him down. We both were silent.

"Just leave," I told him, but immediately regretted it. Please stay, I thought as he stared back at me, his eyes full of desperation.

"But-"

"Go," I cut him off, my voice steely and cold. I could see him mentally gather himself. He raised his chin and gave me a slight nod.

I stalked back to my bedroom and heard the front door slam shut. I collapsed onto the bed, clutching the pillow tightly with one hand and wiping away tears with the other.

Laying on my back, I wondered if I had ever felt this heartbroken in my life.