take me back to the start

Chapter 22: The Heart or the Head

(later that day).

"And that's what happened," Finn finished, a little out of breath from his 20 minute recap of everything that had happened between him and Rachel since the first break-up.

Both his mom and Kurt had known bits and parts of the story, but he'd never explained it all in linearity with detail.

But it had actually helped. He felt like part of the weight that constantly seemed to be on his shoulders had been lifted a little bit.

There was a silence as his mom and Kurt tried to intake everything he had just told him.

"The only part I fail to understand," Kurt said suddenly, "Is why you broke up with Rachel in the first place after graduation? I mean, this could have all been so much easier and saved us a lot of time and trouble if you had just let Rachel come with you to Los Angeles. Yeah, she wouldn't be as successful as she is right now if you had, but it would have just been for a few years right?"

Finn sighed. He wrestled with himself over this question all the time.

"I know. It was stupid. It's just, I was so insecure about myself you know? And the fact that she was willing to put her future on hold for me, just mind-boggled me, like- how could she love me that much? When I was just some stupid jock who didn't have a fraction of her talent.."

He groaned in frustration, he didn't know how to explain.

"There's this song," he interrupted himself, starting over, "And in it, there's this line: 'If you love something give it away.' And when I heard it, it just totally affected me you know? I was like, yeah, when you know you don't deserve the person you're with, and you care about them that much, the right thing to do is just, to let them go. But I always thought I'd never be strong or unselfish enough to do that. But then I did, when it came down to it, I felt I had to. When Rachel was threatening to come with me to L.A. I just kept thinking, 'I'm not freaking good enough for her,' so I gave her away. At the time I thought maybe, after I'd made something of myself and turned myself into someone who did deserve her, we could try again. But then living without her just became too hard. That's when I got selfish and tried get her back, which we all know ended catastrophically and now here I am. And I don't know where to go from here."

"So basically you let your own self-esteem issues ruin your entire life," Kurt summarized succinctly.

"Pretty much."

Finn turned to see his mom's careworn face react to everything he had just said.

She looked thoughtful. After a few more seconds, she spoke.

"Do you think the person you are now, who you've become, deserves Rachel?"

"No way," Finn responded angrily, "Like I said, I was just being selfish. I see that now."

"Honey," his mom corrected, "You've never been selfish. In fact, you're the opposite, and I think it's your selflessness that essentially got you in this whole mess to begin with."

He opened his mouth to argue, but she shushed him.

"Let me finish. I think what you need to do now, is re-evaluate yourself, try to learn who you are as a person on your own. You and Rachel, you two love each other so much that it seems as if somewhere along the road of being a couple you lost yourselves along the way. But once you've established a more cohesive identity, you can begin to work on yourself, kick your alcohol habit, and start leading the life you want to live, not only will you feel better about yourself but you'll start to see the amazing man you really are inside. When you broke up with Rachel you wanted to make yourself worth something, but you've been measuring worth in the wrong way. Financial success and fame haven't brought you anything, but if you begin by trying to internally make yourself worth something, you'll be ready to really fix things with her. "