Blog by Me ---> Ryan

the love i think i deserve

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where has the time gone? the last time i even read off of wattpad was almost two years ago, and I regret not getting on more frequently. so i guess an update is in order.

when i left off, my partner and i qualified for state in debate. since then, A LOT has changed. i've grown as a person, but also made some really stupid, stupid mistakes. but what is learning without mistakes?

i guess i'll talk about what i've learned most from, which is of course always going to be sad and about heartbreak when i'm concerned. you see, i firmly believe i have THE worst luck in regards to relationships. 

from the summer between my freshman and sophomore years of high school (so like 2014) to the beginning of my senior year (this particular event occurred in september of last year), i was single. i was happily single for two years. then for some reason i became attracted to a girl. but not just a girl. she was THE girl. and i mean THE girl as in stereotypical cheer captain girl. tell me WHY I ALWAYS FALL FOR THE ONES THAT I SHOULDN'T FALL FOR. well, i was interested in this girl, let's call her C for now, towards the beginning of my junior year. nothing ever happened romantically between us, but we got super close. i'm talking suuuuuppeeeeerrrrr close. she was my absolute best friend. we told each other everything. all the while i was just pushing any chance at a romantic relationship away. anyways, i eventually told her i was into her 3 or so months after falling for her. 

she did not feel the same way obviously, which i knew would happen. it hurt to be her friend (which she wanted to remain, as we were already so close), but i did it anyways. last summer between junior and senior years, i came to a realization that i had been fine alone for so long that i didn't need a relationship anyways, i'd focus on school and debate, and everything would be just fine for me. BUT GUESS WHAT!? life always has other plans, and those plans sure messed me up. right before i went to debate camp, she told me she wanted to try a relationship. after i had decided i didn't want one with her. well, i went to debate camp and spent the week avoiding her. and, as much as i hate to admit it, i gave the attention to someone else (we'll call them H). H was nice and all, but i knew nothing would come of our relationship or lack thereof. it really just was an FWB type of thing, and i regret it, but i don't at the same time, which is quite confusing, but yet again, my life in general is confusing, so just play along please. well that whole thing happened and C never found out.

school starts and C and i got closer and i decided i wanted to try a relationship with her. we got close and life happened. we made plans for the future, but they were plans i soon realized i did not want to commit to. ultimately, the relationship ended shortly after it began, all thanks to me and my stupid decisions. 

she wanted kids and a family, and honestly, i thought that's what i wanted too. i came to the realization that i wanted her, not the future she had planned, however. i can only depict a childless future for myself sadly. C's life goals were to be tied down with a family close to home and mine were quite close to being the polar opposite. my life goals are to attend college away from home, move away from home, and find someone to love me as unconditionally as i will love them; however, my career will always be first. i seek to become a physician or a lawyer, but i am leaning towards the latter. these two careers require extensive amounts of time to be devoted to being widely-praised in my area of expertise (because lord knows i have to be known and liked by everybody). anyways, long story short, i saw a different future for myself that what C saw for us. 

of course she said that "she'd give up anything for me" and as much as i hate to admit it, i couldn't force her to do that to herself. that's what she'd wanted from the get-go and i had my reservations albeit they were weak. in the end, i couldn't simply force her to give up everything she'd ever wanted for someone that didn't matter.