Thoughts

Chapter seventeen (Max)

It's Friday, which means tomorrow will be the day. Milan will take me away from this place for a day. Away from my worries. Just me and him. I'm a little bit anxious about tomorrow. I don't know why exactly, it's just this unsettling feeling in my stomach.

But whatever that feeling is, it better wait because I am so ready to get out of here for a day. This week was exhausting to say the least. Saturday to Tuesday weren't that bad. I wasn't allowed to go back to school yet. Which didn't do much to Saturday and Sunday obviously. Milan and I just hung out together. We talked a lot about our feelings. About the future that is, you know college and work. What did you think I was talking about?!?

My nightmares had gotten worse over the weekend. I don't think I even slept Sunday night. I kept waking up from them and I didn't want to wake anyone thus I just layed there crying. Pathetic, isn't it? I hate them. It started because of the sessions with Jeniffer, I had them before I got there but they were less bad. They weren't as detailed and I had less. But beside that, the sessions are helping I think. I feel a bit better, atleast when I'm around Milan.

Monday was ... What was it? let's go with awkward. I know I promised Milan not to go back to work. But some weird part of my mind that has an iq of zero told me that maybe his parents would agree with me and convince Milan to let me go. I have no idea what got into me. Earlier that day, when Milan was at school fixing some stuff because we missed those tests, I had a breakdown. I wanted to go back to work. I needed to earn money. I couldn't just do nothing. After I calmed down and fixed myself up I went downstairs to convince his parents. I couldn't talk to my own because they were at therapy and we basically share parents so.

I tried convincing them. I told them I didn't want them to waste any money on me. I told them I wanted to do something. Etcetera. But I couldn't use all my arguments. I can't let more people see all my weaknesses. Jeniffer knows most of them, not all but she knows more them Milan. I'm already way to pathetic in his eyes, he shouldn't know all. Yeah i'm getting better and I lost a few of them, but still.

Obviously his parents didn't allow me to go back there. I understand it, I really do. It's just that I hate the fact that I need to rely on them. I want to live from my own money. Stand on my own feet. But I can't. But at the moment, I didn't understand. I kept begging. And eventually broke down, again. I cried my eyes out and they didn't completely understand why. How could they have? They didn't know what was going on in my head. They tried to comfort me but eventually had to call Milan to go home an hour early. Pathetic. Of course the moment I felt Milan's arms around my body I calmed down. I relied on him.

Then came Tuesday around. When Milan went to see some friends or something, I don't know he was being secretive, I went to a long session with Jeniffer. I like talking to her by now. It's still weird to just spill anything but I know it's good. I told her about the day before and about the nightmares. I asked if maybe, just maybe she could give me some medication to sleep better but she denied telling me: ''I know it's hard honey. But it's better for your progress if you do this without any medication.''

After that we talked about my nerves about going back to school. I was anxious about all the people who were definetely going to ask questions. Little did we know how much it was going to suck.

We had a session the whole afternoon and long sessions really take a toll on me. I got home and ate a few bites before dismissing myself to go to my room to just lay there. I locked the door. Not accepting anyone in, not even Milan. I just needed some time for myself. I heard them calling Jeniffer to ask about what to do, but I know she just told them to leave me be. They all know I will never kill myself, even if I wanted to, because I would never leave my parents side. Which is why they trusted me to just lock myself up for an evening and not bringing it up the next day.