Kaleidoscope eyes

Chapter six

Open up again I believe in second chances. Please let me in, oh, I believe in second chances. I won't break you; I will not let you down. Open up again, I believe in second chances
-Second Chances; Imagine Dragons|

I remembered two weeks before I found out, when you had invited me to a spoken word performance. The poetry had been interesting and as we rode our bikes back home- due to your paranoia about getting into cars- you declared your favourite lines animatedly into the evening. When I got home Ella had grabbed my sleeve and had given me a coy smile.
'Whoever she is,' Ella had mentioned, 'she's good for you.'
As I sat on the porch at three in the morning, smoking my third cigarette in the past hour, I thought back at that moment. Ella was right, you were good for me. You kept my cravings away, you kept my mind off things. It had been three days since you had asked me to leave. You hadn't answered my calls and you had ignored all my texts. Just three days without you and I had gone from almost completely not needing a cigarette to almost finishing two whole packs in less than a week.
I blew out another puff of smoke and thought of the scars on your arms. I shivered at the thought of them. I pondered on what could have caused you to slice through your own skin. How could I have missed it? Eva, how you seemed to have a good life even though you got lonely sometimes. Loneliness didn't seem like a good enough reason for you to want to inflict self-harm. What was I missing?
The whole issue was ripping at my edges. I felt completely helpless and useless as I stared at my phone, cigarette dangling from my mouth, waiting for you to text back. You didn't.
On the fifth day of you ignoring me I felt like I could be diagnosed with clinical depression. I missed you. I missed everything about you. I wanted you to fill my brain with gibberish; like how human beings were ninety three percent stardust. I wanted you to tell me how you believed in God and how His miracles were everywhere. I wanted to look into your multicolour eyes as I listened to your voice read to me. It dawned to me that, even as I wistfully thought of these things, that you might never speak to me again.
I sank deeper into my pillow just as my door slightly opened. It was either my parents or Ella coming to check up on me. At first they had thought I had come down with something but now they realised I was just sulking. The day before my mom had held my hand, while my step dad stood at the door, and told me they would be there for me if I ever wanted to "talk". I bet it broke her heart that I wouldn't open up to her.'
'I brought you a sandwich,' Ella said as she sat on the edge of my bed, next to my depressed body.
'Thanks. I appreciate it,' I responded rather dully.
'Look if you had a fight with your girlfriend-'
'Eva is not my girlfriend.'
'Okay, if you had a fight with "Eva" you aren't going to accomplish anything by sulking all day.' She continued, 'You have a better chance of meeting her out there than being cooked up in your room.'
I didn't reply. Ella sighed before murmuring something about eating the sandwich. I lay there for another hour or before realising that maybe Ella said was right.
#
Café Noir was practically empty when I got there, but then again who wants a cup of coffee at two in the afternoon. I had been hoping, maybe with the slightest chance, I would bump into you. I think the rational side of my brain had officially died. I made my way to the till.
'Can I have an espresso to go?' I told the waiter at the counter.
She told me the price but before she disappeared to get my coffee ready, an all too familiar voice spoke up from behind me.
'Just add two cappuccinos to that order.'
I turned around in disbelief.
'Hello Zee.'
'Andrew,' I croaked.
Andrew stood there, giving me half a smile. He looked just like I remembered him; decent black jeans, a modest button down shirt, scarf around the neck and typically his phone in his hand.
'Long time, yeah?' he stated.
'Nah, two, three months I honestly think we can do better,' I retorted.
He chuckled. 'I see you are still as sarcastic as ever.'
I shrugged trying to get myself to believe I was actually speaking to Andrew.
'I just came to grab a coffee for me and Joan before I stop by her place,' Andrew stated.
Joan.......
'How is she?' I grimaced.
Andrew sighed, 'You know Joan, she's very sensitive. I think the therapy is working for her but she's still a bit traumatised. I'm still the only guy she is willing to talk to and sometimes she pushes me away too thinking I'll hurt her.'
I looked at Andrew again- as in really looked at him. He looked exhausted, as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders. The guilt rushed back to me and my mind urged for a cigarette.
'I'm sorry,' I whispered as I hung my head.
He put his hand on my shoulder. 'It's fine, Zee.'
I looked back at him, he was giving me a watery smile- it seemed almost forced. I wanted to tell him it wasn't fine. That it was my entire fault any of this happened. I wanted to tell him I missed- I missed Joan and that I had made a terrible mistake and hadn't taken his side.
In fact I was just about to say all that when the waiter came.
'Your orders, gentlemen.'
'Thank you.' Andrew replied as he took his two Styrofoam cups from the counter. 'I'll see you around Zee.'
He turned away and he left, the awkwardness of our friendship- or used to be friendship- thick in the air.
'Excuse me sir,' the waiter said, 'but your friend didn't pay.'
I broke out into a grin when I realised Andrew had left me to settle his bill. He always conned me into paying for him. I fished out more money and paid for the orders then grabbed my coffee and left.
I still felt bad for not getting to apologise to Andrew- as in really apologise. He didn't seem like he had forgiven me that much either. I sighed. Maybe that was the mistake I made with my friends. I let them walk away without the decency of actually trying to fix anything. I didn't even put that much of an effort- never gave them that much of a reason to stay. I wasn't going to let the same thing happen with you.
#
I let myself into the compound of your home. You had told me to let myself in anytime I wanted to visit you and I hoped the offer still stood. I took a deep breath before knocking on the door. You opened it almost instantly. Had you seen me come in? Had you, perhaps, been waiting for me? - That was wistful thinking on my part.
You stared at me, your eyes a bit dilated, but you said nothing. I didn't expect you to.
I pulled out the remaining half of my pack of cigarettes from my pocket. I took out one and placed it in my mouth before shoving the rest back. From my other pocket I brought out my lighter.
'You don't mind, do you?' I asked.
I don't know why I asked because I didn't even wait for your reply as I lit my cigarette. I took a drag and puffed it out and you didn't even flinch- as if me killing the both of us wasn't a big problem. I took the cigarette out and placed it between my index and middle finger.
'It used to be the five of us,' I started. 'There was me, Samantha, Kelvin, Andrew and Joan-'
'Ezekiel, what are you-'
I cut you off. 'One day Samantha suggested we go to a party, something we were always against but we were bored. Kelvin took her side while Andrew and Joan said no. That left poor old me as the tie breaker. Maybe I was desperate for something different- something new- but I went against my better judgement and I decided we go. I wish we hadn't. '
Another drag. Another puff. Another second of time eradicated from the number of healthy years I was supposed to live.
'The party changed everything. Joan got roughed up by some horny guys and was traumatised. Andrew was overtaken by guilt and burdened with being responsible for Joan's mental state. They said they never wanted to speak to us- though I had a little exchange with Andrew a while ago, it wasn't the same. The guy probably hates me. Samantha is probably drunk, probably pumped up with drugs waiting for the next party out there so she can feed her addictions. Kelvin became an alcoholic and do I even have to mention what happened to me.'
Your eyes flashed towards my cigarette then back at me. 'Ezekiel you don't have to-'
Oh Eva, in that moment I had to- I just had to let it out there and tell somebody.
'It's my fault I ruined us and oddly enough, like some twisted way of reminding me what a douche I am, cigarettes are the only things that make me feel better.' Apart from you. 'You don't have to tell me what it is that haunts you- what it is that rips you apart. I didn't tell you this so that you'd give me sympathy or that we would have some cliché therapy session opening up to each other- No. I told you this so you'd know that I understand. I understand what it feels like to murder yourself so that you can feel that one shimmer of relief.'
I brought the cigarette to my mouth again and let it dangle quite lowly from my lip. There was a silence and we stared at each other for a while.
You sighed. 'I didn't know you could be this dramatic and poetic. You should consider writing a book.'
Then you reached out and took the cigarette from my mouth and put it out against the wall. You opened the door a little wider.
'You can come in Ezekiel.'