Kaleidoscope eyes

Chapter eleven

It's the things we love most that destroy us.
-The Hunger Games: Mocking Jay- Suzanne Collins|

I always thought movies were ridiculous. Not all movies, just the ones where couples fight for completely useless reasons. I do not see couples fighting over impractical things in real life. I only ever saw my mother and my biological father argue, but he was a drunk so it made sense. Brian and my mother never argued unless it was politics. So I just found such movies unrealistic. At least I used to until I met you.
#
'I wish you hadn't came today.' you said one Tuesday when I had gone to visit you.
It was now roughly a month before college. You had been oddly quiet as we engaged in games of chess one after the other. I had called you earlier in the day and told you I would come over. You had been reluctant at first but you had told me I would find you in the study.
'Then why did you tell me I could?' I asked.
'I thought being with you would make me forget.'
'Eva-'
'It's exactly two years today,' you interrupted me. 'I can't keep the memories away.'
'I didn't know.....'
You looked at me desperately. 'Would you allow me one cut?'
'Eva.' I was horrified.
'You wouldn't understand. I wouldn't expect you to.' You were hyperventilating now, as if you were going through a panic attack.
You quickly got up but before you could walk away I grabbed your hand. I looked at you and said the words I should have said when I found out you cut yourself. The same words I should have repeated when I found out you were on LSD. The same words I should have urged when I realised you were very depressed.
'Eva, I think you need help.'
You stopped dead then blinked once, twice, as if not believing I had actually said that. Then your face contorted from surprise, to disbelief to rage. Absolute rage.
'Help?' you snorted. 'Like the therapist who didn't even help through my depression?'
You snatched your arm away as if my touch had burnt you. I stood up, knocking the chessboard. Your king rolled and knocked over mine.
Ever since I found out that you do LSD - and spent countless hours googling about it- I had paid close attention to how quickly your moods change. The slight upturn of your lip when you are upset and, how your eyebrows creased together when you were angry and how your mouth curved in what I assumed was a well-practised smile. You were a very moody human being (which might have or might not have been an effect of LSD) and I hadn't noticed this at first.
'I was thinking more on the lines of rehab,' I told you.
'Rehab?!' Your voice rose up a notch. 'For what?'
'For your cutting and depression and LSD,' I sighed.
'Oh please, LSD isn't even that bad a drug.'
'That depends.....' My voice drifted. 'Plus the cutting-'
'You know the problem with you Zee,' you uttered. 'I think you suffer from some sort of saviour complex.'
'What?'
'You want to save me because you think you can,' you replied. 'I don't need saving.'
'I can't save you.' I wish I could. 'It's why I am suggesting rehab, so that other people can fix you.'
I grabbed your shoulders and gave you a light shake but Eva, you weren't listening. Not at all.
'Fix me?' Do I look like a broken doll to you? Instead of trying to "save me" and fighting my demons why not fight your own,' you huffed, wriggling out of my grip. 'Or did you forget your nicotine problem?'
'I did forget,' I said. 'I forget everything when I am with you.'
You snorted. 'You smoked right in my face once. Did you forget then? Get grip on reality. I am not your hero,' but you were. 'And I'm certain as hell that you aren't mine.'
That stung.
'Eva-'
'You can't even help me keep the thought that rips me apart away,' you rumbled. 'What good are you to me? You are just a dumb boy with a cigarette addiction and no real problems.'
There was a shattering silence like that of a windshield breaking. Everything seemed to be going in slow motion though the reels were turning in my head. I thought of your smile. Your beautiful eyes. How you told me about stars, and poetry and everything. I thought about how you took me butterfly hunting. Your slit wrists. How I drew on your arms. How I took you out dancing. I thought of when I found out you were on LSD. How I stayed with you all night. How you met my family. How I kissed you and how it made so much sense.
I looked at you. Your eyes widened with shock as your hands flew to cover your mouth but the words were already out of your mouth.
'Oh my gosh, Ezekiel-' but I didn't want to hear it.
'Just some dumb boy huh?' My voice was so low that it even scared me. 'I wouldn't know any real problems right?'
'Ezekiel, I didn't-'
'Indeed Eva, what good am I to you?' I snorted. 'I'm done Eva. Go ahead and wallow in the past as you slit your arms to oblivion.'
'Ezekiel-' your voice was cracking but I didn't care.
'I'll show myself out.'
Then I was gone.
#
The call came around eight in the evening, later that day. By then my lungs had been filled with six cigarettes worth of smoke and I had told my family members to go away as soon as they knocked on my door.
I didn't feel angry nor did I feel sad. I just felt empty.
"Just a dumb boy with a cigarette addiction and no real problems."
"You want to save me because you think you can."
"I am not your hero and I'm certain as hell that you aren't mine."
Your words were still going through my mind when my phone rang. The caller ID was unknown.
'Hello.' My voiced sounded as hollow as I felt.
'Ezekiel, it's Eva's mom.....'
Her voice sounded desperate and very sad. As she went on talking my heart sank and sank until tears blurred my version. When your mother finally hung up, I grabbed a sweater and rushed out of my room.
'Where do you think you're going?' Brian's voice rang as I passed the dining room.
My whole family was seated on the table finishing the remains of dinner.
'You can't just sulk all day then go out any way you want to,' he continued.
I took a deep breath and faced my family.
'Oh Ezekiel, what's wrong?' my mother wondered.
Their faces filled with concern when they registered my unshed tears.
'Eva,' I huffed. 'Something bad happened. I need to get to the hospital.'
'Oh my gosh!' my mother gasped.
'I'll drive you.' Ella sprang to her feet. 'You can't go alone in this state.'
I didn't complain. I was actually grateful. My stepfather gave Ella a curt nod before she dragged me out the door. When we got into the car Ella gave me a sad smile. I tried to return it but I couldn't. The drive was silent minus the soft music from the radio.
I thought of what Andrew had said about us having little glue but willing to share. The answer was yes, in the end it wasn't enough. I couldn't save you. I grimaced in my mind. I bloody couldn't save you and it was ripping me apart.