Kaleidoscope eyes

Chapter Ten

Give me life, give me death, all your biggest regrets. I want everything. Show me your fears, show me your scars. I'll take whatever's left of your heart. Give me heaven, give me hell, all the dreams you try to sell. I want your fears, your hopes, the whole kaleidoscope.
-Kaleidoscope, The Script|

Your eyes flickered open somewhere around past ten in the night. You were practically curled up next to me. You looked up to me only to find me already staring at you.
'How long have you been awake?' Your voice slurred with sleep.
'Roughly an hour.'
'Oh.'
You snuggled close to me. I sighed. You probably knew I was going to ask. You just had to. How long would I just stare and witness you shatter.
'What drug was it?' I swallowed.
'It's LSD,' you replied. 'An acid.'
'Why?'
I felt you go stiff, like you were getting heavy from tons upon tons of bad memories. I wanted to tell you that you didn't have to tell me but I bit my tongue against it.
'I had a best friend once,' you started. 'Her name was Jane.'
With every sentence after that I felt the sorrow that was dropping block by block upon you fall on me as well.
You had a best friend once, and her name was Jane. You spent practically every second together like you were sisters or something. You stared at stars together and mapped out constellations together. You traded books and clothes and discussed poetry and words and authors. You two were inseparable.
One evening you two were driving back from some poetry performance. You had the wheel and it was raining hard. Jane hadn't put on her seatbelt as usual even though you always told her to.
'I will probably die of your bad driving one day even with a seatbelt,' she would always joke.
So on this particular night you didn't bother telling her, you were close to home anyway. A few minutes later, as the rain hit even more hard, Jane perked up and pointed out that she could still see some parts of Orion's Belt even with the rain.
'I just wanted one look, a small peek. I love Orion's Belt.' You shuddered. 'I didn't know in that moment a dog would decide to cross the road, it was freaking raining, what was a dog doing out?'
Jane had told you to look out and you panicked. You swerved the car to side. The car spun out of control on the slippery road. It turned and turned wildly and you frantically slammed on the brake desperately.
'I must have blacked out for a minute or two but when I came through I was still in the seat, my seatbelt keeping me in place. I was gripping on the wheel desperately,' she explained. 'My arms were cut with a few shards of glass but nothing that serious and I was getting sprayed with rain. I looked up and the windshield was completely shattered and a few feet away Jane lay on the wet cold gravel.'
You got out of the car. You were shaking and bleeding but you had to get to Jane. Jane, her eyes were still staring at the sky as if she was still mapping out Orion's Belt. Her mouth was slightly open and her arms were deeply sliced everywhere from shards of glass. You screamed. You ran for help nearby but you knew- you knew from the way her eyes were open and the way her blood and rain mingled on the gravel. She was dead.
'Those ugly scars on her arm- she didn't deserve them,' you said, 'those scars should have been mine.'
You turned your arm so I could see the slits on your wrists. You were punishing yourself for the accident- giving yourself the scars Jane had.
'I fell into depression after that,' your voice was cracking.
Your parents not knowing what to do with your already crumbling state sent you to a therapist shortly after the accident because you blamed yourself for killing your best friend. However, even with three sessions a week, you drowned deeper into guilt and sorrow.
'The world had become so dull for me at that point,' you continued.
In a desperate attempt to escape it all you got a glass of wine and a razor blade. Then you sat on the bathroom floor and toasted to Jane. You gulped the wine, took the blade and with the thought of your best friend's scars in your mind, you slashed across your wrist for the first time.
'It hurt, but as I watched the blood stain the tiles, it felt amazingly good,' you sighed.
However, like a cigarette, the feeling only lasted a short while before you want more and more. Pretty soon you weren't only broken on the inside but scarred on the outside as well.
'I hit rock bottom,' you said. 'I didn't know what to do anymore.'
So you went to a party one of your back then friends was throwing. You didn't really know what to do so you sat on the couch, feeling quite lost, and watched what was going around you. After some time a boy about your age approached you and asked why you looked so sad.
'I told him the only way a girl could be that sad is if she no longer saw colour in the world,' you stated. 'He told me he had just the thing for me.'
I brushed the hair from your forehead. 'He gave you LSD.'
You nodded. 'And I saw so much colour that night. Where the world was stained grey was suddenly splattered with colour. Gosh it felt amazing. It was so amazing.'
'Oh Eva-'
'Please don't judge me,' you pleaded.
I buried my face in your hair. 'Never.'
You snuggled closer to me and I put my arm around you. You let out a sigh and put your arms around me and broke out into silent sobs. I let you cry. I let you break down. It was like a sign. I saw you without your boundaries. No more secrets. No more walls.
#
I woke up again at around one in the morning. You were still curled up next to me. I smiled. I moved slightly so I wouldn't wake you and reached for my phone in my back pocket. I cursed, startling you.
'What is it?' you asked in your dozed state.
'I put my phone on silent and forgot to tell anyone where I was.'
My phone was buzzing with a lot of missed calls and messages from my family- and the occasional message from Samantha and Kelvin. I wonder why they still tried to get a hold of me when I never got back to them.
'Oh...'
'Yeah, I have to go Eva.' I kissed your forehead. 'I'll be back later.'
'Okay.'
#
I tried to be as quiet as I could as I got into my dark home. No such luck.
'Where have you been?' Ella whispered as soon as I stepped through the door.
'I-'
The light switched on suddenly.
'Yes, do tell us son,' Brian stated a bit too calmly as he and my mother appeared on the doorway.
My stepfather was angry. It was scary. It was very scary because he was such a mellow man.
'Brian, calm down,' my mother stated as he hugged his arm. 'Maybe he has a reasonable explanation.'
My mother shot me a look that clearly said my explanation needed to be...... reasonable. Brian pinched his nose and turned his head to where Ella was.
'Was it another party?' he asked. 'I mean you always tell Ella if you are at one of those things-'
'It wasn't a party, dad-'
'Ella just mentioned that Andrew came over and you left at the same time he did. When we called him he said he left you on the doorstep,' Brian went on. 'We were so worried and when you didn't answer your phone and the twins kept asking and police said to wait twenty four hours-'
'I was with a friend, dad.'
'Which friend? It wasn't Andrew and you said you were not at a party so it can't be Kelvin or Sama-'
'You haven't met her yet.'
I swear you could hear a pin drop with the silence that fell.
'Her? A girl?' my mother uttered. 'You spent all this time with a girl.'
'A girl? Ezekiel, I thought you were more responsible than that,' Brian stated. ' And has this girl have no shame-'
'It's not what it seems. Nothing happened.' I scratched the back of my neck awkwardly. 'She's a good friend. Her parents aren't home this weekend and she was going through a rough patch and she- she needed me. She really needed me. We didn't mean to fall asleep, I swear, and my phone was on silent and-'
'It's the girl I told you about mom,' Ella pitched in, stopping me from rumbling. 'The one that takes him to the library and keeps him from parties.'
My mother's eyes widened when she heard the words and my stepfather rubbed his chin and raised an eyebrow. I shot Ella a look and she just shrugged.
'Oh, the Vera girl you mentioned that he has been spending time with?' Brian said thoughtfully.
'It's Eva, dad,' I mumbled under my breath.
'Well son, I would like to meet this Eva girl-'
'I don't know if-' I tried to cut in.
'Mostly if she takes you to the library.' He shot me a scrutinising look. 'And you stay up to one in the morning with her because she really needs you.'
I wished the earth could have opened up and swallowed me right then.
'You should invite her to dinner tonight. The poor girl must be lonely with her parents gone,' my mother chirped in.
'That's a great idea mom,' Ella added.
I shot her another look and she shrugged.
'So you will invite her right?' My mother was absolutely beaming.
I mentally slapped myself. How had it gone from them being very angry with me for not mentioning my whereabouts to inviting you for dinner? It had escalated too quickly that I almost missed it.
'It's one a.m. in the morning, let's get some sleep and then I will give her a call when the sun comes up.'
#
It was the first time I ever recall seeing you nervous. When I had called and invited you to dinner you were both anxious and excited.
You stood at our door step promptly at seven in the evening. You were dressed in casual jeans and a knitted black sweater with glistering white buttons. Your hair was, as usual, combed to the side of your face and your eyes were dancing.
'It's my best sweater,' you practically whispered when I opened the door for you.
I broke into a smile when I saw you.
'Calm down Eva.'
'Calm down? Your family only invited me because they think I had you on some leash until one in the morning.'
'They will adore you.' I said. 'Now come on in. Mom has been working on dinner for two hours and the table is ready.'
I made sure you sat next to me during dinner so I could squeeze your hand under the table if need be. Grace was said and everyone fell into a light chatter.
Throughout the course of dinner your nervousness dissolved. I watched as you became less cautious and as my family fell in love with you- every single one of them. True to my word, as always, my family adored you. You won my mother's heart, easily like most people do, by complimenting the house and her cooking. My step father was drawn in when you discussed classical works of literature. You giggled with Ella about some of my habits- typical- and then proceeded to tell her how you had managed to grow you hair naturally. As for the twins, all you had to do was tell them apart, which you managed after I hinted to you that Elijah was the one with a tiny scar on his forehead. Alas, very soon it was time for you to leave.
'You're such a lovely lady,' Brian said. 'You should come again one day. I have a copy of Lord of the Flies laying around somewhere. Have you read it?'
'And you and I should discuss recipes sometime,' my mother pitched in.
'And I have baby pictures of Ezekiel you'd loooove to see,' Ella said.
At your feet Elijah and Ethan whined, asking you to tell them apart. I put my hands on your shoulders.
'Guys, you're overwhelming her,' I said, leading her out the door. 'At this rate she'll never come back. I'll drive her home.'
You stiffened as I closed the door behind us, blocking out my family. You froze as I tried to lead you to the car.
'Ezekiel-'
'It's late Eva and it's quite the distance,' I stated.
'But I just told you-'
'I know,' I sighed. 'I promise I will drive slowly and I will hold your hand so that if anything happens we will go flying through the windshield together.'
A silence fell then you let out a shaky breath.
'Sometimes you're not funny Ezekiel,' you sighed, but at least you got into the car.
Even though the fear was evident on your face and you were sulking, I entered the car with a big smile on my face. Your arms were crossed and you were staring out the window. My smile withered a bit then- just a small bit. Were you looking for Orion's belt? Were you thinking of Jane?
I reached over your seat and fastened your seatbelt before fastening mine as well.
'Safety first,' I told you.
No response.
I sighed and started the engine but before I could start driving, I reached my free hand out and took yours. Just like I promised. You turned to face me then. You were slightly shaky. I gave your hand a light squeeze before I began the slow smooth drive back to your place.
We arrived a good twenty minutes later. I parked the car and got out to open the car door for you. We stood there, outside your gate, with your eyes on the ground and mine to the stars.
'Your family is lovely.' You broke the silence.
'If not a little weird,' I chuckled.
Silence filled the air once more. Maybe I shouldn't have let you in the car. Maybe you really weren't ready and I had rushed you.
'Eva, I'm-'
'Thanks for holding my hand. I was so scared.' You voice was like crumbling butterfly wings. 'Thank you for being there for me.'
You looked up at me and I could see the unshed tears in your eyes. You fisted your hands and brought them to your chest.
'Oh Eva.'
I took hold of her wrists and pulled her closer to me.
'Sweet sad Eva,' I murmured. 'For you I will always be there.'
I let go of your wrists and traced your cheeks with my thumbs. Without a second thought I leaned down and kissed you ever so softly. I had kissed my fair share of girls but none of them felt this way. I am not going to say kissing you was like tasting the stars or sharing your sadness or anything like that, it wasn't. I doubt it was even possible that such kisses occurred. The kiss felt simple and electrifying and tasted of my mother's cooking and the trail of your finally shed salty tears.
I pulled away after a second or two, my lips lingering a bit, before I pulled you into a hug. My chin rested on the top of your head and my hands rubbed circles around your back.
'Always Eva,' I announced to the stars. 'Always.'