All those plans of being the 'best kisser in the world'? Yeah. Consider them failed.
Every time one of our 'lessons' start, I freak out and end up having a panic attack in the corner of the room. It takes him at least half an hour to calm me down enough to look at him. And by this point, there's not much point in carrying on. So he gives up and we go to watch a film instead.
I feel like a bit of a failure, if I'm honest. I mean, it's not like it's something that difficult. Putting your lips against someone else's is, in all honesty, something very simple. I know there's a little more to it than that. But that's the first step...
“Ready?”
Just the sound of his voice makes my head start to spin. I have to grip onto the table to stop myself from passing out. The thought of him coming up to me is terrifying. It's claustrophobic, him looming over me like I know he has to. I don't want him to do that. But I don't think there's any other way...
“Come here then.”
I glance over at him and see him leant against the worktop. I don't understand. Isn't he the one that supposed to come over to me? I thought that was how this worked...
I swallow nervously, forcing myself to push myself up. I slowly make my way over to him, my body trembling with fear of the unknown. My hands push their way into the pocket of my hoodie, fingers clasping together for some kind of comfort. But it isn't working.
“You're wondering why I'm not moving, right?” he asks. Well, yes... “Well, let me tell you. I had a hunch that maybe you would be better off being the one to initiate these kinds of things. I mean, it was you that kissed me first. So, I thought it would be better for you to come over to me. Gives you a bit more control, as it were.”
I nod, avoiding his gaze. This is just so awkward. It was a lot easier when these things weren't planned out...
“You think you can do this today?” I nod, fully determined to get through this. “Okay. So. There isn't much point telling you to ram your tongue down my neck at this stage. You look like you're going to shit yourself just thinking of being close to me. So I have a plan.”
“Oh?”
“Just put your lips on mine. Don't do anything. Don't even move. Just put them there.”
My eyes dart up to meet his as panic floods my brain. The concept of being so close to him is terrifying. I mean, sure. I ended up sleeping on his chest the other week. But that was only because of the emotional exhaustion I felt after my night terror. No other reason. This is something completely different.
But it's the point of these lessons. I need to learn to do this. Normal people do this. And I want to be normal. So I have to do this. I have to do this.
Almost as fast I take a breath, I make the decision to move. I push my lips against him, slamming my eyes close to avoid seeing the disgust in his eyes. My face burns with the reality of what's going on, chest vibrating as my heart practically batters against my ribcage. But I'm here. I'm doing this. This is good...
We stand here in silence for a bit. That 'good' feeling is quickly turning into just plain awkward. I'm pretty sure this isn't how you learn to kiss. I don't know much about the whole shebang, but this just feels wrong. Well, no. Not wrong in that sense. I'm actually becoming more and more at ease the longer I'm here. What I mean is that, as far as kissing is concerned, I'm pretty sure this is wrong.
“You alright?”
I feel his words on my lips, muffled by the pressure I'm putting on his face.
