The world passes by in a blur. An insignificant blip in this life, taking up the tiniest amount of time in this ever expanding universe. Meaningless in the giant scheme of time and space when you really think about it. But it doesn't stop this from hurting any less.
As the drone of reality rushes by me, I couldn't give a shit. Reality is shit. If only life was like those games you play. Where you make a mistake and reload, learning from your monumental blunder. But no. Life is no game. Life is life. And you can't rewind it.
This is the worst choice I've ever made. I've made so many catastrophic fuck-ups in my life that I've lost count. But this one...this one will always be the one that I remember. The one that hangs over me as I go on with the pathetic excuse of a 'life' that I'll try and form for myself. The one that I'll cry over as I rip my skin with any blade that I find, etching it deeper and deeper into my skin in an attempt to forget him.
I didn't even get to see his face...
I sigh, rubbing my hands against my face before staring out the window of the train. I'm going away. Far away. That's what Dr Hallet said would be the best thing. I can't stay here in London knowing that he could find me. I could bump into him at any point and everything that I would have achieved since leaving him would come crashing down around me. Dragging me straight back to this point. At least, that what she says. I don't see myself ever recovering from this...
So she's sending me to Scotland. The furthest place possible from here. Somewhere that they'll never think to look. And even if they did, Hallet's got it all sorted. I'm having a new life, with a new name and a new family...
Family. That word cuts through me. I'll never have that. Sure, there'll be all these people that I'm moving in with. But they won't be my family. They won't fill the empty space in my heart that will always be there. Longing for my true family that I've left behind.
I'm going to miss them. I didn't want to admit it to myself, but I can't help it now. I'm really going to miss them. Danny's cockiness and bluntness that I never really warmed up to. Glen's caring nature and constant source of patience, even when I was ripping the place to shreds. And Mark...
I sigh again, dropping my eyes to my hands. It hurts to think of him. When his name rings in my ears, I know that it will be him that I miss the most. He became something to me that no one else has ever been before. He was my rock, someone who understood me without forcing me to spew my life details. He was my friend, someone that I felt completely safe with and wanted to spend every waking hour with, no matter what we were doing. He was my life. He became my life.
And I was his butterfly...
I rest my hand over my stomach. That's a feeling I will never experience again. The butterflies have gone, withered with remorse inside of me. Never to awaken again. Never to flutter their tiny little wings. Dead, just like me...
“Where you heading, chick?”
I glance up at the train conductor. A woman. Thank God for that. I don't think I could have coped talking to a man. I've never been good, but after today...I hand my ticket to her, letting her click it with her little machine before she hands it back to me with a smile.
“Hope you enjoy your journey.”
I watch her walk up the aisle. Enjoy my journey. Sure, I'll enjoy it. I'll enjoy leaving shards of my heart along the tracks, hoping he'll see them someday. I'll enjoy feeling my soul get sucked out the further away I am from him. I'll enjoy the bitter taste of regret in my mouth when I try to force some kind of substance down my neck. Sure. I'll enjoy my journey...
