The Significance of Orange Juice

Chapter 20

Jay slid into the seat opposite me and slid my hot chocolate across the table. I took it mutely and clasped it in my hands.

“Not thirsty?” Jay asked when I still didn’t drink.

My fingers drummed nervously against the mug and I shook my head. “I just want to be with Doris.”

Jay reached across the table and stilled my trembling hands. “Doris is going to be fine, remember? The doctor even said that there was a high chance she might completely recover.”

How could I forget? Moving from the bed for the first time since we’d arrived, Charles had smiled through his tears and wrapped his arms around me. And then, with his head pressed against my shoulder, he’d whispered “She’s gonna be okay”, over and over again, as if each time he said it, Doris was tied more securely to life and to him.

Despite my nerves, I smiled at the memory before finally taking a sip of the hot chocolate. The liquid burned down my throat, before the warm, sugary goodness settled in my stomach and began to melt the icy knot that had formed there.

A comfortable silence settled over the table. A few words were exchanged about how happy we were for Doris and Charles, or when we thought that she might be released, but in the pauses of the conversation, we were both content to stay in silence, revelling in the relief of the doctor’s news. My fingers were wrapped around a cold and empty mug before I realised how relaxing it was just being with Jay. After the stress of the past month, it was nice to be with someone who didn’t feel the need to force the conversation.

I smiled at the irony. Here I was, silently thanking Jay for staying with me, when it wasn’t long ago that I had been whining about how obnoxious he was. How the tables have turned…

After a few minutes, I stood up, expecting Jay to follow me to Doris’ room. But he stayed on his seat, his brow furrowed and his lips pursed.

I laughed lightly. “Who knew that Jay Roberts was capable of such deep thoughts,” I teased lightly, but Jay didn’t laugh along like I was expecting. He didn’t even make a sarcastic comment. Instead, he bought up the one subject that I’d been so desperately trying to avoid.

“Izz,” he began quietly, and my stomach clenched nervously. Don’t say it, don’t say it, I pleaded in my head, but Jay plunged on with his question, despite my silent mantra. “Why did you think it was your fault?”

And there it was, ladies and gentlemen. The elephant in the room. My eyes flickered over to the door, briefly contemplating an escape, but Jay’s hand wrapped around my wrist and tugged me back down into my seat. Ah well, I thought bitterly, it’s not like I could run fast enough to get away from him anyway.

I schooled my face into a blank expression as Jay repeated his question, but my mind was churning as I tried desperately to think of a way out of answering Jay’s question. Jay reached out and intertwined his fingers with my own, a silent promise that he wouldn’t judge me, no matter what I said. The tightness around my chest eased and for the second time today, the locked box in the back of my mind began to open.

Jay waits patiently, his brown eyes gazing intently into mine as I tried to organise my thoughts. Suddenly, he smiled and squeezed my hand. “Izz, I take it back. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

Jay moved to stand up, but I held fast to his hand. “It’s fine, I’ll tell you.” The words tripped over themselves in my haste to reassure Jay. Despite his smile, there was a flicker of disappointment dancing in his eyes, and for some unknown reason, I couldn’t bear the idea of Jay thinking I distrusted him. “I just need… to think.”