The Significance of Orange Juice

Chapter 26

Chapter 26

“Izzy,” Olivia ventured hesitantly, “I think you may have taken this too far.” It was like a bucket of cold water was poured over me. Blanching slightly, I turned to Olivia, shock written across my face. What happened to girl solidarity? Olivia shifted across the bed until her back was resting against the wall by me. “It’s just… don’t you ever feel that you want to do something for you?”

I frowned. “I do stuff for me.” I protested and Olivia raised one pale blonde eyebrow in response. “I do.” I reasserted, a little more half-heartedly than before.

Olivia pursed her lips. “Think of it this way.” She paused briefly, collecting her thoughts together. “Wouldn’t you like to be able to draw without having to hide your sketches? Wouldn’t you like to be able to wear short sleeve shirts again without hiding your tattoo? Wouldn’t you like to have a relationship with Jay that you don’t have to keep hidden? There’s this whole half of your personality that you keep under lock and key, and the worst thing is, I don’t think you even notice.”

I opened my mouth to argue, but the words died in my throat under Olivia’s cool gaze. Was that how she saw me? Was that how everyone saw me?

You’re just so damn desperate for your parents’ approval that you’ve thrown everything away for it.

A steaming mug was pressed into my hands and I took it gratefully, trying to ignore the fact that I hadn’t even realised that Olivia had left the room. Olivia smiled faintly at me as she settled back into the space to the side of me. “In times of doubt, drink tea. It’s the British way after all.”

The hot liquid seared down my throat, but the warmth that radiated out from my stomach eased the tension in my muscles and I began to relax. But Jay’s words echoed in my ears, sounding again and again in my mind. My stomach clenched as I remembered the hurt tucked deep in his eyes, tightly wrapped up in his anger. Was he right? Had I thrown away everything without thought?

As I continued to sip at my mug of tea, splinters of memory began to surface in my mind. I’d been so convinced that I would be an artist. I used to talk about it all the time, and Rhys would laugh and make me swear that the first portrait that I ever painted would be of him. I frowned, trying to pin point the moment when that had all changed and I’d put aside my childish dreams of wanting to be an artist.

A sickening sensation spread through my body, as I realised that was no single moment when I had changed my mind, when I had realised the harsh realities of the artist lifestyle and moved onto other dreams. The never had been. Instead, over the slow progression of the years, I had gradually stopped fighting for my dreams. It had been easier to hide away the pencils and the oil paints and my beloved sketchbook than it had been to face the blame of a mother who blamed my art for the untimely death of her son. Instead, I had shut my mouth and agreed to study Law so that my parents’ wouldn’t look at me with those accusing eyes. I’d been so thorough with my attempt to remove my dreams of becoming an artist that I had even convinced myself that it was a hobby. No. I paused and corrected my sentence. I had only convinced myself. Olivia, Jay, even my mother had seen through my lie.

Olivia shifted a little and leant her head tiredly against my shoulder. “I’ll support whatever you choose, Izzy. Just make sure that it is your decision.”

The words felt like the final nail in my coffin as I realised the full extent of my near mindless obedience to my parents. I closed my eyes and leant my head back against the wall. “Livvy,” I began grudgingly. “I may have made a mistake.”

Olivia laughed deprecatingly. “Boys are more trouble than they’re worth.”

My eyes flew open as I remembered anew that I was not the only one with relationship issues and that my best friend had only recently broken up with her boyfriend for reasons I still didn’t quite understand.