the bad girl; jai brooks

(bonus)

blakes pov

i knelt down on the damp grass, the morning dew soaked the knees of my jeans. i took my pale hands to sweep away the dust from the cold stone. his name engraved perfectly into the rock in front of me.

RIP
austin blake brooks
loved by all, cherished by many.

son to blake and jai brooks,
brother to his twin slater brooks

the tears rolled down my cheeks slowly, the warmth stung my froze cold cheeks, the wind howling as the chilly air blows across the grave. i shove my hands in my pockets, never taking my eyes off the tomb stone. reading the words over and over to myself.

i picture his small hands, gripping to my finger as i held him for the first time. his two pound body placed in my arms, glancing into the box where the cords covered him head to toe. i feel his touch, imagining his skin against mine.

my sobs can't be choked down, and i cry alone for a few minutes. resting my forehead on the stone, mumbling over and over about how much i love him.

i felt like i had crumbled, being the first time i could face his grave. it'd been years since he passed and never once i'd visit. the boys would always, bringing flowers and toys. i sat at home. stared out the window. imagining this day for when it came.. right now.

i stayed the same for two or more hours, talking to the tomb stone and letting countless tears fall to my lap. i was freezing in the wind but i sucked it up.

i stayed away from home that day, walking alone in the park for a while before grabbing some food at a cafe and eating it in my parked car. i cried there too.. and when i did go home i hugged luna tightly, kissing her head and sending her off to bed.

i wished slater was home so i could squish him in my hugs, but he was off at a sleepover with the boy down the street.

as i lay my own head down, i curl into jai once he does too. letting my body relax. my tears fall onto the pillow, jai not asking why just holding me closely. it felt good to be cozy beside him.

my life was a complete mess at times, being a roller coaster the way it went from bad to good so quickly. but at the end of the day, i'm grateful for my family and my friends, and i'm grateful for the time i did get with austin.

time keeps turning, the kids grow older and get smarter. they change opinions and want different things and like new kids. and it's like a dream watching them grow up as each day goes by. and i'm so happy they're here..

austin died today.

in what felt like hell, i waited patiently for the surgery to end and for my teenage boy to come out.

but it never happened.

he passed during the operation, not giving me a chance to say goodbye or anything! he just left. he's gone.

and i never thought i'd have to feel this agony again. to have to sit and wish to die everyday. to ask the lord WHY he took my baby and not me. why not ME.

they didn't deserve this... luna keeps asking where Austin is, and i can't help crying when she does. we've lied saying he was out, i didn't have the heart to tell her.

i couldn't face reality myself, let alone tell her and watch her cry. i couldn't stand that.

i can't stand living anymore. this pain is eating at me.