"What do you mean ?" asked Youngjae, freeing himself from Jaebum's embrace. "No, wait. I misunderstood. You just said it because it was what I was supposed to say."
"The truth is, Youngjae..."
"Oh right, why did you get angry earlier ?"
"Huh?" Jaebum responded, looking totally lost after being cut by Youngjae. He couldn't tell him what was wrong. Youngjae didn't wanted him to tell him anything.
"When I said you were happy."
"Oh, that ?" Jaebum looked at Youngjae's eyes, wondering if he should or shouldn't tell his actual thoughts.
"Yes...?" responded Youngjae a bit confused by Jaebum's silence.
"I just don't want you to see me as an horrible bastard who left you all alone to have a good life with a pretty woman." explained the older, choosing truth over comfort.
"Isn't it what you are?"
It hurt. That was all Jaebum could think about. Youngjae wasn't totally wrong, he was a bastard who left him all alone to have a good life with a pretty woman but he wasn't so fond of this life. He liked his part time job, going to university, his new friends and the city where he lived but he wasn't so into this woman thing.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."
Youngjae stared at his hands, uncomfortable again.
"It's okay, you said what comes to your mind when you think of me. I would've done the same if I were you."
"Why did you get angry then, if that's what you think too?"
"You think I love her, right ?"
"What ?"
The face Jaebum gave to Youngjae couldn't be described. It was a mix of sadness and anger, sorrow and discomfort.
"It hurts so freaking much" started Jaebum "to see that you believe in me and her when you don't even trust me when I tell you I'm here because I missed you. It hurts so freaking much to see that you've forgotten how we were, you and I, but I guess it was just me seeing things. I thought you would understand that I had no choice but to leave, I didn't even know we were moving, they just dragged me with them. And don't tell me that I've never tried to get in touch because I tried every possibility just to know you were alright.
"Do you think it was easy for me to take that decision ? To try to forget your name, your voice, your smell, your face and to leave you alone ? And don't tell me it wasn't hard because we were just two good friends and I could've just called because you know we weren't that. I freaking loved you with all my heart and soul but if I kept on talking to you I would've never forget you. I am as straight as a circle and you know how my dad is about that, my mom sensed something and she got me to go on blind dates to save my gay ass. I didn't want my father to kick me out just because I loved you. I mean it's not "just because" but there's no other way to put it, it was the only reason to get me kicked out.
"Because seriously, where would I go ? I mean, at that time. There was nobody there, every single one of you was here but nobody would have taken care of me and don't tell me you would've 'cause you know we would've died, because in the end we would've never been able to earn enough money at our age. I don't even know how you survived so how would we have? I was serious when I told you 'I love you' because seeing you four days ago made my heart beat fast again. I can't win against you, you're too strong. And I hate knowing that you tried to kill yourself just because I was a gay kid trying to save his ass."
Youngjae didn't say much, totally crying, and so was Jaebum. It was the first time the brunette had seen him with tears rolling down his face.
"It hurt so freaking much to love you when you were only looking at Mingyu. Just seeing you get all excited when you had science class with him made my heart break like someone died in front of me. And I couldn't say anything because he was my friend. I was the popular and social type but when it came to you I just wanted us to be in a world far away from everything, far away from any other human. And when I heard about you and Hongbin last year I thought I was gonna go crazy, I was so angry at him and just thinking that he could have his lips, and worse, his dick all over your body made me want to harass him. I was so jealous and knowing that that actor-looking guy was your boyfriend got me searching a train ticket on the net to go see you. You know how I am with things that belong to me, I couldn't bear it."
"You're implying that I'm yours?"
"Of course, do you have something against it ?"
"No, I'm totally fine." Youngjae replied, his cheeks reddening "I like it a lot to be honest."
"I hope you do 'cause I'm not going to fight you on the matter."
Jaebum reached Youngjae's hand, intertwining their fingers. They were together now. Physically at least.
"How could you love me?" asked quietly Youngjae, "how can you now?"
"They say love comes and goes. Or maybe it just never left."
Youngjae couldn't get himself to think about something positive. He felt guilty for blaming Jaebum in his head, in front of Mrs Han, in front of everyone.
"I'm sorry." he blurted "I should have known that there was some sort of reason. I thought you were the strong boy you've always shown to everyone, I guess I was wrong. I was so angry yet so sad and I didn't search for any answer. But you've never been the type to stay, even when you love someone. You're right, I know you better than everyone else. But that didn't stop me thinking so badly of you, that didn't stop me thinking so harshly of me."
"I'm sorry, Youngjae."
"Stop saying you're sorry when you've done nothing wrong. I'm sorry I misunderstood."
"Youngjae, stop it, it's not your fault."
"Then whose is it? Are you going to tell me that it's nobody's fault, that it just happened, which means I just added a reason that doesn't exist on my list of things that pushed me to kill myself ? I'm not okay with that, Jaebum, I believe it's your fault but then I believe it's my fault and then that it is because of you but at the same ti-"
Youngjae couldn't speak anymore. Jaebum's lips were on his, his arms wrapping around his now so skinny body. When Jaebum pulled apart, he simply rested his forehead on his, eyes closed.
"Calm down. Calm down, it's okay, it's alright. You're alright but I'm here. You're alright, it's my fault, just mine, only mine. You were never wrong, I'm the one who caused everything. I should've come to see you, even if I had to keep it a secret from my parents and risk of being caught. I should've been clear with my parents about my sexuality, I should've risk it all if it could've help me to keep you close to me, if it could've help me to keep you safe."
"You said that to make me feel better, right ?"
"Once again, you're not totally wrong. But I mean it."
"I love you." whispered Youngjae, "I love you, I love you, I love you." he continued louder, kissing every inch of Jaebum's face.
"Oh my god, babe, I love you too but calm down."
"Did you just" began Youngjae, pausing "call me babe ?"
"I have to say that once again, you're not wrong."
Youngjae smiled, all happy inside.
"Babe." Jaebum added.
"Oh my god it's so nice, I need to make friends to tell them what just happened."
"Youngjae, you have friends."
"...right."
"As long as it's not Mingyu it's fine. Or worse, Hongbin."
"First, I didn't know you were gay. But now I just found out that you were not only gay but also jealous. And let those two alone, they're nice guys."
"Ugh, shut up, will you ?"
"It would've been better if you added "marry me" at the end of your sentence."
"Later."
"Oh my g-"
And Jaebum kissed him again.
« THE END »
→smtn's coming
