Nathan and I

Chapter 9

''Nathan..? Nathan..?''

I couldn't talk. It felt like my heart got stuck in my throat and my lungs were like rocks, just hanging there in my body with no use. I stared at the edge of the sofa just ahead of me with a lady with dark red hair that was in a bun and big dark eyes. I know how she looks like because I glanced at her in the mirror beside me, cause I don't want to look at anyone.

I don't want to talk.

But she keeps saying my name which make me put my head up and look at her. The only thing I feel like doing now is look at people and think about their past and their imperfections and as I stare at this lady I noticed that she looked tired and sad.

But I guess she wasn't sad.
She's probably used to people like me.

But maybe that's why she looks more sad. Because I don't want to speak. at all.

Because I can't feel a bone in my body and I can't feel my throat and I don't want to talk about anything.
Not even me and especially not about Caroline.
I looked at my wrists that looked like if i'd paint thin red lines across them.

''When you lose someone, everything feels hard. Even talking to me. or anyone. It's been five weeks since the accident and you have to understand that what happend, happend and that is not your fault, Nathan. This feeling will disappear and it will get better.'' she says with her calm voice but I don't feel calm or angry. I can't feel anything.

''People who says that is the people that never lost someone.'' I said to her and looked her straight into the eyes as I started to scratch my knee with my fingers.

Cara looks at me with her dark eyes and slowly takes off her glasses. She started rubbing the glass against her shirt and I watched every vein in her wrists work.

She put on her glasses again and leaned back in the black sofa and held her notes close to her chest.

It was a silence for a couple of minutes but then Cara took a deep breath and looked at me.
''I've lost a lot of people. Well, not the same way you did. I lost my fiancee when I was twentythree. He had cancer.
I've lost people and even if it's hard to imagine, the reason I'm here is because I know exactly how you feel.''

I actually felt the pain she had in her eyes. It crawled into my heart and I slowly let go of her gaze and stroked my hair back as I closed my eyes.
And I feel guilty saying what I did, the little that came out of my mouth.

''I'm sorry.'' I said after a few minutes and Cara smiles at me kindly as she lays her notes in the knee.
''It was a long time ago. But thank you.'' she said and looked at me with a kind smile and I looked down in the floor again.

''I don't like living in a world without Caroline..''

I saw Cara at the corner of my eye staring at me. I heard her picking up her notes and started writing something down and for the first time in five weeks I broke down in tears as she obviously wrote down my diagnosis.

Depression.

______

''Nathan?'' I heard My Mom shout loud and her voice echoed in my head which made me wake up with a harsh jerk and hit my head in the wall behind me.

''Motherfu..'' I said and stroked the back of my head. It felt like it was about to explode.

''What are you doing?'' I heard the door opening and my mom walked into the room with a spantula.

''I hit my head. Your voice made my head break.'' I said, still holding my head.

My head is broken. Shit.