Check, Please?

Chapter 23

The next two days could not have gone by any more slowly than they did.  I literally got to the point where I was counting the number of breaths I took in an hour.  I managed to get James to take me to the store once so that I could get food for myself and then to the apartment where I retrieved my laptop, but I tried not to bother him any more than that.  Something in the back of my mind kept saying, James has a family, leave him alone.  From late-night discussions we had before, I knew he had kids and grandkids that he adored and spent most of his days with, so I felt bad disturbing him, especially in the mornings. He assured me that he didn’t mind helping me in this time of need and constantly reminded him that I was paying him a weekly salary to wait on my texts (which I had completely forgotten about, to be honest) but I didn’t want to make a habit of relying on him since I didn’t know how long I would be living in the studio.  Should I start looking for a new apartment?  Or at least buy my own car?

I sat in the studio and watched movies all day long.  I even tried at one point to set up the camera on a tripod and take pictures of myself in this desperate and depressing state that I was in, but after seeing how… well, desperate and depressing I looked, I nearly threw my camera across the studio with anger.   These are too posed, I growled at myself.  This is why I didn’t take pictures - because I just ended up looking stupid.  However, I kept thinking about pictures that I needed for Wentz - the pictures I had been pushing off - but the pictures I needed in order to acquire my dream job.  I had so many opportunities to take pictures of emotional beings in the last couple of days: Anna in her rage, Louis in his disappointment, and Harry in his disbelief.  But how were any of them supposed to take me seriously if any time they were vulnerable or volatile I just whipped out my camera and snapped a few shots of them?  Nothing says, "I'm seriously listening to your concerns" like taking pictures when your friends are losing their minds over your personal mistakes.

I laid on my black velvet couch and watched Juno.  I laughed at the hilariously worded script but cried the rest of the time.  I know that Ellen Page gets pregnant with Michael Cera’s child in high school, but to be honest I felt like I had the mentality of a high schooler at the moment. I wasn’t ready for a child and I knew it.  I felt like I needed an adult to come and yell at me, almost like Bonnie did but to a worse extent.  Maybe like Juno, Louis and I could put the child up for adoption… I thought halfway through the movie.  I punched the black velvet couch.  I could never do that to my own child.

I was tense the whole four hours that I sat waiting for Louis to text me and let me know he was on his way to pick me up the day of my appointment.  My nerves got the best of me and kept me up all night with a wretched pain in my gut; probably gas from anxiety.  I had taken a shower, done my hair, and put all of my makeup and clothes on at 6 in the morning despite the fact that my appointment was at 10:30.  I stared out the window of the studio and watched the cars and taxis pass, carrying business people who had too much to worry about or city tourists with nothing to worry about at all.  Finally, my phone lit up with a text from Louis and I saw him wheel into the parking lot beside the studio.

He walked around the side of the car and opened the door for me.  I smiled politely as I fell into my seat. “I still have hands,” I said.  “I can open my own doors.”

Louis  ran around the front of the car, adjusted his bum in the drivers seat, and laughed. “Well I won’t open the door for you again this next nine months, how about that?”

Louis and I hadn’t spoken since I took the pregnancy test.  The air between us was tense, but we both tried hard to keep a conversation going as we drove to the hospital. 

“How have you been feeling?” He asked me.

I sighed. “Physically, fine.  Mentally and emotionally, I’m struggling a little,” I answered honestly, chuckling uneasily.