Eventide of a Jedi

IX

 I kneel down beside my master as she regains her breath and sits up. Blood trickles slowly from her head and my stomach churns as I remember how viciously I had attacked her. I had meant to do this, I had wanted to hurt her. The room spins and I feel sick as the weight of what I had done falls upon me.

"Oh, Septima, how greatly you have disappointed me," Dooku says with a mocking sadness in his voice. "I really do hate to be disappointed. But since we have just now become such good friends I will forget your failure here. Your skill with the Force is too impressive for me to let you out of my sights and, after all, I did make a promise to your parents to protect you. That was before the Jedi slaughtered them of course." He laughs and I imagine severing his head from his body. It was the only thing I could do to stop myself from foolishly attacking him. With Aayla down, it was not a fight I could win. He walks closer to me and I can feel the darkness radiating from him. Again, it tries to infiltrate my mind but this time I resist it. "You will soon see the error in your ways, Septima. Go, return to your precious Jedi Order. Tell them what happened here and see how they treat you then. You will see that your path takes you back to me, back to the Sith. You were born a Sith, do not forget that. The Jedi are not your family."

He steps back and gestures to the exit of the chamber. I look at him suspiciously, in disbelief that he would simply let us go, but his weapon is holstered and he makes no move to stop me from leaving. I still do not move and he chuckles, his laugh resembling the sound of metal scraping on metal. "You are just as stubborn as your mother. I said you may leave, so go. I wouldn't break your parents' trust by hurting you, now would I? Go, and we will see each other soon enough," he says, his eyes sparkling with some secret knowledge. He turns to leave but stops to look over his shoulder at me. "Oh, and clean up your mess before leaving. I wouldn't want you leaving that Jedi filth on my floor." He walks from the chamber, disappearing into a dark corridor that I had not noticed before. It takes me a moment until I realize the 'Jedi filth' he was referring to was my master. Again, I imagine my lightsaber removing his head from his body.

 "Aayla," I say, choking back my tears. "I'm sorry...I am so sorry...."

She sits up and wraps her arms around me, stopping me from saying anything more. I hug her back tightly and finally let my tears fall from my eyes, my body feeling weak and empty. 

"I thought I had lost you," she says, her voice stern but comforting. "I am sorry I never told you about your parents, but the Council thought it was best that you did not know. It is my duty to guide and protect you, and I only did what I thought was right." She stands, slowly and painfully, and again shame fills my heart. I wanted her to be angry, to hate me. Instead she was calm and forgiving, but it only made me feel worse. I did not deserve her benevolence. Even in the most trying of times she exuded the wisdom and strength of a true Jedi, and I wondered if maybe Count Dooku had been right. Maybe I was no Jedi after all.

The bleeding from Aayla's head wound seemed to be accelerating and I knew it she would not make it much longer without medical attention. Unbothered by the pain, my master strides toward the exit while I can hardly find the strength to make my feet move. What I had done was irreversible and it did not feel right to follow my master. "Come Septima," she commands. I can now hear the tiredness in her voice, weighed down by recent events. "We have a long ride ahead of us.

*****

When the clones back at the gunship asked me what had happened to the general, I told them the truth. They didn't understand the Force, the struggle between dark and light, and the confusion on their faces was evident. What they did understand, however, was that I was a threat to their general. I had made no protest when they took my lightsabers or put my hands in binders. I did not even trust myself, so how could I convince them that I was no longer a threat?

The ride back to Coruscant seems to take years as I sit alone with no company but my own thoughts. None of which were pleasant. It was hard to sort through my emotions they ranged from sadness to disbelief, from guilt to anger. Mostly I was afraid. I tried meditating on the Force but it seemed as if my connection to it had been cut. With the Force suddenly becoming unreachable, I felt more alone than I ever had before.

I feel the ship slow and then come to a soft landing, and as I stand fear grips my heart like an iron vice. I had no idea what Jedi did to those who fell to the Dark Side, and as the clones come for me, blasters loaded, I feel a selfish fear for my own life. Two troopers grab me by the arms and lead me off the ship. My body trembles while I walk and my heartbeat accelerates with the growing fear I feel with every step. I walk slowly down the ramp onto the platform where the entirety of the Jedi council and several temple guards await. I see my master being met by the Jedi healer and she locks eyes with me momentarily. I stop in my tracks suddenly and resist the firm grasp of the clones, paralyzed by fear as the temple guards approach to take me from the troopers. My master turns from the other Jedi and looks at me with an eerie serenity despite her condition and the situation before us. "Trust me," she says quietly. "You are safe now, my padawan. Trust the Force." The healer guides her away as the troopers urge me forward with the barrels of their blasters. Somehow I move my legs forward and step onto the landing pad without collapsing. I struggle to make eye contact with the Jedi in front of me so I shift my gaze downward and focus on the frayed material of my boots.

The sound of lightsabers being ignited jerks my head up and I instinctively bring my hands to my face, as if they could somehow stop the saber from cutting through my flesh. But there is no searing burn, no sudden pain to signal that I had been struck. I look up and see that the four of the temple guards had flanked me, two on each side. They hold their lightsabers close to their bodies dutifully and I allow myself to relax slightly.

Mace Windu approaches me with a stern and unyielding look on his face. He is the first one to greet me after my betrayal and I almost laugh. It seemed as if was right about me all along and his years of warning the others about me had finally paid off.

"Septima Searsha, you have been placed in the custody of the Galactic Republic for high treason and assault against a member of the Jedi Council. You may defend yourself before the Council when it is time for your trial. Until then you will remain under the careful watch of the temple guards." The Jedi master studies me with a cold gaze and I look down at my cuffed hands before nodding to show him that I understood.

Windu signals to the guards and they guide me forward, toward the massive Jedi Temple that casts a mile-long shadow over the surrounding buildings. I step into the darkness where the temple has eclipsed the sun, and as I look up at the daunting towers of the Temple a chill runs through my body. The Temple that had once appeared so grand and beautiful now looked like formidable and unyielding. It all felt different somehow but it was not the building that had changed, it was me. I had turned my former home into a prison, I had made one decision that would seal my fate here. I am guided through the threshold of the Temple, into the cold marble halls, and I feel no sense of belonging. My master had told me trust the Force. But the Force, it seemed, had abandoned me to face my destiny alone.