Senseless

BONUS SCENE

All I wanted to do was kiss her. Breath her in, get closer. My father continued to yell, telling me to stay away. I knew he only felt that way because he was weak. His weaknesses came easily, the lazy man. I wasn't that. I was strong, hardworking. I was independent.

But he was right.

And the lazy critter wanted me to be at the top. He was too drunk to think straight for most of his life; all he could do was lead us blindly into deals and bankruptcy. I'd show him proper leadership.

That meant staying away from Sabine, and making her stay away from me. All that would happen was she would get hurt. For some unfathomable reason, that bothered me. Just the thought caused a twitch in my left eye and pinky finger. Occasionally, I'd even bite my lip. I never did that.

Not until I felt. It was only when she came in, always biting her lip as some strange way to relieve anxiety or whatever. I didn't know why she did it, but I wasn't complaining. Everything about her was perfectly imperfect. I didn't know why she continued to get closer, like a drug I was trying to quit. All quitting made me do is want more. I felt like going through withdrawals. In the end, it boiled down to two options; get close and risk her death, or stay away and risk my...

I didn't even know what was at risk. I'd have said my happiness, but there wasn't much of that left. The little I had was for my sister, the one thing I was trying my hardest to keep safe. I would keep her away from what I'd been sucked into, that night I walked into my Dad's office to see him at gunpoint with Mr. Maris on the other side of the trigger. I hated him, but I'd come to not blame him because I learned how my dad played.

The unbearable truth was: Mr. Maris was completely in the right and my dad deserved the oblivion he's sunken into. The thought made my ears hot with anger. If life were simpler, my dad would be the good guy.

But he wasn't, and I was left to clean up his mess.

But when Sabine appeared and, for some insane reason, was wheeled by me into my bedroom to keep my dad from killing her right there, I lost all reason. She was strong, trying to stand even with a broken leg. She was clearly in pain. I just wanted to hurt Sam Dalton, to make him feel ten times more pain than she had.

That feeling wasn't good. That was what I'd been told was caring, and caring would get people killed. Unfortunately, the person you cared about once in a lifetime was the one who would get killed. All I wanted was to leave, to take my life somewhere where I wouldn't have to feel all this crap.

So I don't know what I was thinking when I found myself pressed against her, my lips on hers. She seemed shocked. I was even more shocked than she could possibly feel. I wanted to pull away, but I could only draw her closer.

Maybe, if I could pull her in close enough, people couldn't hurt her and I wouldn't have to stay away. But that wasn't the deal, and I could only kiss her senseless and pull away. Her eyes connected with mine in wonder, as if she'd never had a kiss before. I knew that wasn't true, but I wondered if she'd ever had one like that.

I knew I hadn't.

She obviously didn't seem to take note of the apprehension that was probably not showing on my face, but it was definitely being felt. She met my lips again and I almost groaned in annoyance. How could I stay away, when she tasted like sugar? Had she eaten a cookie or something before she came?

Absolutely, positively ridiculous. She was giving me nothing to work with. But it couldn't work. I had to prove to my dad that I was the better leader, the better man in a group of boys. So I told her to leave. I told her to stay away. And I regretted it as the words left my mouth, but wouldn't have changed the words if I could have.

If there was a choice between her and the life I had, I'd choose her. I hated this life. I just wanted it to be over.

But I had crap to do before that could happen, and she'd be long gone and married by the time the crap was done and gone. I'd be alone, unable to find someone who could see past my gruesome past and my ruthless ways. I'd be forced into a marriage I didn't want to be in. I wouldn't make her think about such important things before she was twenty years old, anyway. That was just cruel.

I wondered if that was the moment where "it's not you, it's me" would have been appropriate, but that would have been a lie. It was her. It was that fruity scent she wore, and the way her long hair swayed when she walked. It was the way her eyes looked at mine with wonder and intense calculation, as if she were picking apart my secrets with tweezers. I didn't know her fascination with my eyes; it was where she always seemed to look.

Perhaps I was just too awkward with eye contact. I couldn't focus; if I looked at her eyes, I was lost. Maybe if I wasn't such a moron, it would work. I felt like that one idiot on the football team: huge, strong, and seemingly perfect, but insanely dopey and an actual idiot. I always thought I'd be the intelligent one in the family. I'd move on to be a doctor, having a family who was never hungry and always smiling.

But then I was dragged into the crap my father did. It was a family business that I was sure to keep my sister away from.

And Sabine would stay away for as long as she could, but some part of me knew I wouldn't be able to leave her alone forever.