Senseless

new land

I woke up late. As usual. I showered. As usual. I'd begun marking during the day time. First thing in the morning, I added a mark. I didn't feel like staying up so late at night, especially since I wasn't leaving my room late anymore. They had various guards in the kitchen and hallways; I had no way to get midnight snacks. They never fixed my room. Just had someone sweep the glass up so Sophie didn't cut her feet on the shards.

I liked it, though. The destruction reflected how I was feeling on the inside. All nothing but carnage and old, broken images of people that were supposed to come save me. I walked over to my mirror and added a mark. If I was sitting, I could still see my reflection underneath the marks. It was the fifth day, so the mark was diagonal across four other tallies. Sometimes, I would just recount the days in my head. I decided that they were waiting to come get me. Waiting until the mirror was full, until I couldn't see around the marks.

Almost halfway there.

A knock on the door sounded and I sat down on my bed. Only two people ever came around, and they only knocked so they didn't scare me by barging in. They came in whether I spoke or not, so I just stayed silent. Jenny appeared, my cat in her arms. I looked forward to those days, the ones where Jenny brought her. She brought food as well.

I remembered first seeing the cat, when she was so small. She was growing. Her tail was longer, her head bigger and those big, purplish blue eyes smaller. She still meowed to me, laid in my lap when she saw me. I let her. Her fur was soft, solid gray, like smoke or ashes. She was fatter since she left, probably regularly having food.

Jenny handed me my tray and smiled. "We had your favorite for lunch. Burgers." It wasn't my favorite, but it was what I ate most of when she brought food. I never finished the soups, sandwiches, vegetables, anything. I just ate a few bites. I ate some of the burger and pushed it away, touching noses with the cat. "Liam told me I can't let her stay over night again."

I rubbed the cat's cheek, hearing her loud purrs as I did so. "Sorry," Jenny added. She walked over and sat on the bed. "Do you want me to paint your nails? I've been trying some things on my own, but I think I could do better on someone else. My mom's are already done with my last experiments." Somewhere in my chest, something hurt. I couldn't quite remember why I kept Jenny around. I just liked her. Something about her made me want to keep her with me.

I looked at my hands and put them on my legs for her to reach. She grinned. "I'll be right back."

She bounded from the room and I leaned back, closing my eyes. The usual dark hair flashed behind my eyes when I did so. I liked that hair. It made me think of the people who were supposed to save me.

When she reappeared, I kept my eyes closed. "So my sister went and talked to Liam today. You know my sister?" Of course I didn't. I didn't know anyone but Jenny and Sophie. "Well, she didn't see him, but she was talking to a guard, and he said that he overheard Nathan saying that Sophie told him Liam said he was thinking about letting me have another cat. I've been talking about how lonely Jules must be, since she doesn't have a friend except for me and you."

I felt the cold nail polish hitting my fingers and nearly flinched. I hadn't had them painted in a long time, and the feeling was foreign to me. She continued, "And I think I want the next one to be a little boy so that they can have kittens and you can have one. Well, if Liam lets you. You can have all of them if he lets you!" She sounded quite excited. The thing was, I didn't want another cat. I wanted my cat. I stroked her head with the hand Jenny wasn't painting. "Well, I suppose you could just keep sharing Jules with me. Maybe I can give you Jules and keep my next cat with me!"

I could hear the unspoken words underneath her offer. If Liam lets you. I knew that, whatever happened, it had to go by Liam beforehand. He was the boss. If I did something, like try to sneak out at night or make a lot of noise when they were sleeping, he'd hit me. Kick me, punch me, slap me, whatever he was feeling. It didn't bother me, much. I just didn't go against the rules. I just sat in bed, not moving except to take showers and brush my teeth. Sometimes, I brushed just to be doing something.