Broken Pieces (Jai Brooks)

Chapter 3

I can't believe I just said that. I've never actually been exactly suicidal before, but I'm not going to say the thought has never crossed my mind. I've thought about it several times in the past.

Luke and Beau simply stand there, frozen. I force my eyes to look down. I can't deal with this right now. I said the words, though, so now I have to live with that.

"Jai, you don't really mean that do you?" Luke asks me. His eyes show someone who has just had their heart shattered, but it's too late now.

"I can't answer that, Luke. Don't make me answer that."

"Answer the question, Jai!" Beau snaps, "You told me you weren't suicidal so prove it."

"I-it's- I'm not...it's crossed my mind a few times in the past, but it's not like I'd ever try to do anything." I defend, but that was the only answer my brothers needed. I suddenly felt very caged in, so I take a step back. Luke sees this and reaches out towards me, but I slap his hand away. "Stay back. I'm not some animal. It's not like I'm going to snap at any given moment...I'm not crazy."

"You're not?" Beau questions, "You slit your wrists on a regular basis!" Three sets of eyes widen at this statement. Luke turns and punches Beau in the jaw for even making it, but that doesn't matter anymore. My brother thinks I'm crazy.

"Ok." I mumble and back further into my room. I didn't know what else to say. I already hate myself enough as it is, but now I find out my older brother hates me as well. I can't take knowing that. My wrists start to burn an oh-so familiar sensation that I recognize as needing to cut. I laugh a little to myself, and then start to harshly scratch at my wrists. I need to get some relief, but it seems like I just can't scratch hard enough. It gets the attention of both of my brothers pretty quickly.

"Stop it Jai, you're hurting yourself." Luke states in an attempt to make me stop. When I don't he places a hand on my arm gently to send me his message. I give up on that and start to tug. On my hair with both hands while biting my lip. During, all of this they're trying to get me to stop. Finally, Beau had enough and forcefully brings my arms down to my side in an attempt to restrain me.

"Beau..." I mumble. My facade had always been perfect. No one had ever guesses that Jai Brooks was depressed, and I never gave them a reason to. Now, because of carelessness that facade was gone. "I just want to die and get it over with."

I hadn't meant to say that last part out loud, and I think Luke and Beau realized that.

"Come on, Jai, lets go lie down for a little bit, ok?" Luke says in a soothing voice. I simply nod because I can't take much more of the look of horror on Beau's face. Luke places his hands on my shoulders and steers me over to my bed. I can't look him in the face, so I just let him do whatever he wants. Distantly, I can hear the front door slam but choose to ignore it.

Luke gets me to lie down on my head with him and we just lay there for the longest time not speaking. Finally, Luke breaks the silence.

"You know we love you, right? Because we do. I couldn't ask for a better twin."

"It's hard to tell sometimes, to be honest. I'm not looking for attention, Luke. I never even wanted you to find out. This is just how I choose to cope. Some people get drunk, some people go on runs, but I....do this." I lift my sleeve. He already knows, so I might as well be honest with him. Luke is my twin, he deserves that.

"You're arm looks absolutely wrecked, Jai." He breathes, "Why can't you just come to me instead of doing this?"

"I don't deserve that kind of special treatment. My feelings are my problem and nobody needs to take them on as their own. With this I'm happy. Do you really want to take this away from me?"

"Are you stupid? This isn't healthy. I will not let this continue, so you can just forget about that right now."

~

Luke was serious when he said I couldn't keep doing this. I'm being constantly watched by him and Beau. Speaking of which, Beau can't even look at me anymore. He just throws me a rubber band to snap on my wrist when he catches me scratching. I think he read somewhere it's supposed to feel the same as cutting, but it's nowhere near as satisfying.

Luke and I have been having more and more fights lately and they all revolve around me and my depressing attitude. I just don't get it. I let out a sigh as I snap the rubber band Beau threw me earliest on my wrist. The skin is already bruised and I'm just making it worse.

"Babysitter's here." Daniel calls walking into the room. Beau hasn't told him what's going on, but I think he's knows something is up. He wasn't home during the big blow out, but he has noticed how my brothers won't let me be alone. I guess they needed a break from me, though, because Daniel is supposed to be watching me tonight in their place. I'm kind of offended, but it's also a perfect opportunity.

Daniel falls asleep later on that night watching a movie. I take this opportunity to sneak in the kitchen. All of the knives have been hidden, but I'm smarter than I get credit for. I open the freezer door and reach in the bottom of the ice maker, smirking to myself when I find the knives buried under all of the ice.

I roll up my sleeve and make a couple quick slices, but a couple quick slices then turn into an arm full. I stop only when I see a gasp behind me. Turning around, I'm met face to face with Daniel.

"Oh, Jai..."