Saudade

Chapter 6:

Dear Jo,

If you don't want to write anymore, please just tell me and I will quit. This is my last letter until you can answer. A lot has gone on in the week that I have waited. After I recovered, my five new friends came over one night and stayed there. I suppose I had told them I was having a sort of party with them only. Well, Tuesday, Mario, Sally, Felicia, Jasper, and Nancy all showed up. Every last one of us got really hammered. Some more than others. I learned that Sally, Jasper, and Nancy can't hold their alcohol. Mario didn't have any of course, and Felicia had about as much as me, but was only slightly worse than I am. Therefore, things got quite interesting at about one in the morning.

Sally and Mario snuck away to the guest bedroom and the only thing that came out were assorted human noises. Felicia and Nancy hit it off immediately which I found quite strange. They went to the den and began knitting I think. I'm not exactly sure. At that point, it was only me and Jasper. He had his head draped over my legs and was trying to hold himself together through the alcohol. "Samantha, you're so pretty." Knowing he was drunk, I didn't take much heed to it. He then sat up next to me on the couch and looked me in the eye. "I love Nancy with all of my heart. She's been unfaithful, but I will always forgive her. She was my first kiss, ya hear? First one. On our wedding day, none of her family showed up. That was when she told me, she had no family...I didn't know that until then. So I promised her that night that I would be her family. We talked for most of our wedding night. It was so nice."

I nodded to his words. "Me and Jo...we never got married. I was going to propose the night of her celebration for her new job. But then I got my call. All of that went down the drain. We were going to love each other forever. We wanted kids..." Jasper nodded and patted my cheek. "Me and Nancy are going to adopt as soon as possible. She wants kids real bad." I nodded and dabbed at my eyes. "So did Jo..." He nodded and we sat in silence for a while. That was when Jasper turned to me once more and crossed his legs on the couch. I turned to him as well and we just stared at each other's eyes for a while. Then he hugged me.

I evaluated the logistics of hugging a male friend whilst being gay, but finally concluded the variable of alcohol made the circumstance null and void. After he was satisfied, we both wiped our shirts and he fell asleep on the other side of the couch. I went to check on Nancy and Felicia to find Nancy passed out on the floor and Felicia crying. I comforted her and she accepted my companionship. Apparently, I was looking quite fetching that night for her lips met mine in a surprise attack. I kissed her back somehow in a different fashion than I ever had with you, Jo. She pulled me tight to her and I accepted it. She started going further when Nancy woke up and coughed quite loudly. "Can you...lesbians, take it to...bedroom?" she stuttered. Felicia let go off me and smiled shaking her head at the same time. I didn't see her again that night. She must've gotten a taxi and left.

I was left alone with Nancy when Felicia disappeared. "I've always...always wondered what being gay was like..." she wondered out loud. I shook my head and she huffed a bit. "I wasn't going to...with you!" she said a bit too loud. I rolled my eyes and she stood up abruptly. "I love Jasper. With all of my heart. I hope he knows that despite everything I do to hurt him." I nodded and responded, "He does. How about you go sleep with your husband tonight? He's on the couch over there." Slowly, without reply, she marched over to the couch and practically threw herself on top of him and they both slept together a bit.

Hearing nothing from the guest bedroom, I went to go check on Sally and Mario. She was sleeping soundly on the bed while he had a window cracked open rubbing a cigarette between his fingers. "Hey, Samantha." I greeted him back. "Is that cigarette lit?" He shook his head and kept on spinning it on his two fingers. "I have to curve temptation sometimes. Especially on nights like this. When I do things like I just did." I looked towards Sally in a confused manner. He answered the question my face asked. "I don't like what I do with girls when we don't love each other mutually. But I do it anyway. I have a drive to. They say once an addict, always an addict, and that has never been truer. Since I've been sober and don't use anymore, I've been craving sex so much more. I prey on innocents like Sally and then get so guilty that I leave. I don't know why I do the things that I do..." He hung his head in shame and began sobbing.

I came over to him and rubbed his back. "I may never understand it...Why am I like I am?" He threw his arms around me as he cried. I comforted him without words. Eventually, he stopped crying and got himself together. He looked me in the eyes and his mood changed a bit. Darker, almost. His lips sought mine and I really started questioning my attire. Was I completely naked? I thought you'd told me I was only beautiful to you? Could a straight man be attracted to a homosexual woman? Of course, sexuality had almost nothing to do with natural biology. It also didn't affect an addict who was craving.

I didn't kiss him back. I just spoke into his lips, "Sally." He retreated and still had that dark look in his eyes. "You can't help out a friend? I don't want to wake her...It won't mean anything. I promise, Samantha." I narrowed my eyes at him. "I'm gay. You know that right?" He shook his head and took my arm. "All the better. It won't mean anything to either of us. Please, please, please. It's eating me up inside. I can't..." I responded, "You can't do it yourself or something?" He shook his head. "What do you think I was doing before you came in?" he asked with his jaw clenched. I sighed. "Mario, I thought I had a chance with Sally when I met her. Now I unfortunately realize that I am too much of a man for her. She needs someone who has a cowardice streak. While I admire you not giving into your substance addiction, this addiction is far worse. Sally is a good person and I respect her for that. Don't ruin that. Let me just say that I relate to you more than I should and that is why I am doing this. Go home, research how to fix it. If you can, do it. If not, don't abuse Sally for it." I left him there debating the words I'd just spoken. I went out onto the roof.

I miss you a lot on days like this, Jo. Days when things are really confusing and no amount of anything can fix it. I drank some coffee to get my system settled down. It's when there's little to nothing in my body holding my mind back from thinking that your absence hurts the most. I worry that you don't miss me as much as I so desperately do. If you're settled and adjusted with your own life in New York living it up, then I shouldn't be that annoying ex-girlfriend that will never let go. You just have to respond and tell me if I am. That roof and balcony help me decide a lot of things. That's where I decided I would jump if I needed to. Such a pretty view; I'd rather like to be found there honestly.

I also decided I'd never settled for anyone less than you. It wouldn't be fair to her for me to constantly compare her to you. I wonder sometimes if there is more to the love that even we had. That love saved my life, honestly, but was it really love? Even as I ask myself that time and time again I know it is. I know deep, deep, down that I will always ask myself if it were even more than love. True love even. We fit like puzzle pieces. Well, let me rephrase that. I rather think everyone is a puzzle piece of their own. Their soul mate is that other puzzle piece that fits so well with them that the heavens sing choruses of hallelujahs. However, other puzzle pieces fit, perhaps not as well, and can work as a semi-soul mate. However, what if the person putting the puzzle together (I refuse to say God because we've discussed his relative imaginative quality as well as extraordinary malevolence) thinks that the soul mate pieces don't fit together? These pieces of then sent to different sides of the puzzle.

Now these two pieces are missing each other across the board searching for another piece that will fit in the same way. They debate whether the fit was actually as perfect as they thought it was. Finally, things must be accepted and all that can be done is to hope that either this piece is returned or another is found. Often neither end up happening. That's us right now, Jo. Or me, at least. I'm the lost puzzle piece and you're getting fit to all sorts of others that fit well enough to appease you. However, I have been told I was very easily satisfied, so perhaps it is my fault. I just miss you so much. Maybe I should make the puzzle easier and just take myself off the board...I feel it would be so much easier than this agony I feel waiting. However, the thought of possibly seeing you again in person and kissing you at least once more keeps me atop this roof.

This ended up being a letter about all of my friends and encounters. I apologize. It's just hard. I'm still considering going to that counselor. However, if you're not going to reply, there really is no use in me going on in life. I would be better off dead than to think I'd never get another word from you again. I don't matter to anyone else. I honestly hope you're having fun over there. I subscribed to a few American magazines and am just waiting for your face to appear on one of them. I'm sure it will one day. I will be absolutely thrilled knowing you finally achieved your dream. Even if you had to do it without me.

Jo, I love you so much it hurts me. I believe our puzzle pieces fit.

Your Little Lover,

Sam