Saudade

Part 2: Chapter 1:

Dear Sam,

I love you too. I really do and I'm not just saying that I promise. Please don't think I've been ignoring you. There's a perfectly good reason for not answering. First of all, I was sort of on tour. I was off to go around the world and model for several different shows. A few of them I became the star model. I was delighted when I got home to receive your letters. It was when I opened them that I was disheartened.

I've always loved just watching do your everyday activities. You're so cynical and go-with-the-flow and you don't even realize it. I at first hoped you and Sally would hit it off, but your last letter squandered that. I like the fact that you've been making friends as well as sharing your everyday experiences. It means a lot that you still wrote even after I was gone. It has been four weeks since then, but you did warn me. I'm sorry.

I've made some friends of my own. Another model that often accompanies me on tour and such. Iris. She is such fun. She reminds me of Mia! Remember her? I'm sure you do. Well, she's got the greatest dark olive complexion. She says her parents are Hindu and didn't like the idea of her being a model at first. However, they warmed up to it when they saw the paycheck. She is so much better than me. So elegant, graceful too. She's bisexual, but she can't show it. Her parents would kill her. We never did anything serious, I promise. I can't even think about another woman without thinking about you.

Another reason I didn't answer for so long was the fact that after I got back from tour, I was sent to the hospital. I don't know if you remember or not, but I've always suffered from anorexia and bulimia. You helped so much with that. Well, I got so bad when I moved to New York. I thought I had it fixed at first, but there I was at the hospital, suffering from nearly starving to death. I was there for a week getting my body back together. My manager, Omar, stayed by my side ensuring I could make the next show. I finally recovered and got back onstage.

Omar...You wouldn't like him but I would almost trust him with my life. He makes sure that I've always got a gig. He now monitors my diet to make sure I'm actually eating. And eating healthy. So I'm in good hands over here. I miss you a lot. And I do wish that you would stop using so many drugs and such. It really damages you. What if we get the chance to see each other again and you die from a collapsed lung or something. Wouldn't that be tragic? Not being able to see you makes me so much worse, I hope you know. I've had done several bad things late at night when I begin missing you so badly. Maybe writing you more will make things better.

I love you. Did you know that lesbian models are actually more valuable than the straight ones? They attract females who otherwise wouldn't go. We're sex objects on two levels. It also opens up gay activists to come and support the models. I'm supposed to have like a little interview about model life. Omar says that I should lie and say that I'm bisexual to attract viewers of both male and female audiences, but I denied. He finally relented claiming men would come anyway. I'm really anxious about this meeting, Sam. Like, really bad. I keep using my exercises, but sometimes they're just not enough. They don't combat to how you make me feel safe. I don't think anyone ever will.

I've been working hard on my interior design when I've had free time (which hasn't been a lot). I'm improving and if my body ever falls apart, I could seriously do that as a career. If my modeling career really takes off, I'll never need to worry about money again. I would ship you over here and we would live happily. Oh if only. I'd have to go on the cover of Vogue to accomplish that. You said you bought some magazines! Well, look out for me because I have a shoot with a successful creator. If they like me, they'll use my photos. Just keep on the lookout.

Felicia. You should go after her. I want you to be happy. It might make you better. You won't go to the hospital after doing bad things if you had someone to love you. You don't necessarily have to love them. You just need some good companionship. Not even alcohol can be company to you for so long. Trust me, I've tried. It doesn't work permanently. A lot of the other models are hooked on drugs and I really still don't find the fascination. I did the occasional joint when we were first dating, but after you got temporarily clean, I never felt like doing another one. It's weird how some girls need drugs while others like myself just don't put anything into their bodies.

I got a new record player the other day. Oh, I've played our songs over and over on repeat since I got back from tour. It's become a bit of an obsession. I have to stand half naked on stages all day so I'm glad when I can come home and put on my flowy dress (you remember the one oh goodness I still have it) and dance around to the beats radiating from the record player. I do that just about every night with a glass of wine. Only sometimes do I wear my dress. Sometimes I do it with not much on. You know my hypersensitivity. Ugh, I despise it sometimes.

I love my apartment. It's small, but that's all I could afford at the moment. I could upgrade now, but I chose not to. It's home now. It has just the right edges to interior decorate as well as some of its little unique quirks make it so great to work with. I absolutely love it. Omar and I have meetings in my living room all of the time. I've only been to his house once or twice because it's really far away and rather expensive. He has a boyfriend so don't worry. They're in the closet, but they apparently love each other a lot. I hope they can be together like we weren't able to.

Stacey, my makeup artist, comes over occasionally. She's so funny. She believes that I could do such amazing things. I don't believe everything she says, but she keeps on saying them, so there must be some truth there. I don't like doing dialogue and such like you do, so I'll just wrap up the event on my own. She came over late one night so she could cook for me (remember the awful quesadillas I tried to make that one time!) and I took a shower as she did that. You know I can't resist singing in the shower. I sang "Mad World" by Bon Jovi and Stacey just came into the bathroom!

She kept on going on and on about my voice for the rest of the night. When we finally finished eating, I put my little robe/shawl/throw-over thing and put a record on. Stacey told me to sing along to it and I did. Wrapped up like I always get listening to those songs, I began dancing. You remember my little dances that I did so often? Well, I did one of those a bit freestyled and Stacey absolutely ate it up. She got her expensive camera out and had me do it from the beginning. Oh I had so much fun even though I was being filmed. I loved that song.

Later that night, she posted it against what I said, and it went viral. I'm sure you've heard of it. If not, just search Model Girl Dances to Skinny Love on Youtube and I'll pop up. It may jumpstart my career. I will meet with Omar tomorrow to talk about it. That makes me remember that I need to be up early and it's nearly dawn now. Oh goodness. I just really miss talking to you. I love you so much. I miss all of our little nose kisses and when you'd touch my spine with your fingertips in public and make me blush. I miss it so much. I wish you were here. I love you.

Your Skinny Love,

Jo