I woke when it was still dark. Stella was bare, her asleep beside me. I slipped out of underneath her, grabbed my boxer briefs and pulled them on. I caught sight of myself in the mirror, instantly hearing a whisper. 'Disgusting,' it said, and I instantly felt a lump in my throat, running to the kitchen and hurling myself into the sink, getting physically sick.
I felt my mind flooding with Alex, him crying, baggy eyed. Stella, me touching her back, moving into her. It seemed to appall me even the thought of her. I scratched my tongue with my stubby finger nails trying to get rid of the taste of vomit and her.
I stopped myself as I felt my eyes starting to search the whole kitchen. I had to think. All the things I said to Stella... And now I felt a pit growing in my stomach just thinking of her name. Why?
Guilt. Images of Alex's tears pouring all over himself, flashes of red. That red was oh too familiar, and I felt that was why my eyes were searching, to punish myself over my stupidity.
I felt a scream growing in the back of my throat. I needed to hold it back. I looked for a door, running to the back door, letting it rip out of my throat as my feet met the dewy grass and my eyes met the grey sky.
Tears streamed down my eyes, clouding my vision. Before I could stop myself, I was attacking myself. I ran into the wall, banging my head into it until I felt woozing, hitting my fists against my knees, scratching my chest. Before I knew it I was banging my head, hearing a scream from the door.
"Jack! Jack, don't!" Stella screamed, gripping my wrists and holding them down at my sides. She dragged me in through the door and sat me down on a chair, my eyes wide and my body shaking as I attempted to look down at myself. The scratching had drawn some blood, but not much at all, my knees were bright red with purple staining lightly throughout. My arms had scratch marks length ways. They stung and I had scratched quite hard on them, there more blood than my chest. I caught the mirror again, this time my face having a big red abrasion on my forehead just starting at the hairline.
"Shit!" I shouted, banging the table hard, hearing the whack of my knuckles.
"It's o-okay, J-Jack. I-It w-was an accident," Stella said trying to mask her sobbing.
"No it's fucking NOT! You know how fucking long it's been since something like this's happened?!" I shouted at her, her flinching as she stepped backwards.
"Get dressed and get o-out," she tried to say as sternly as she could as her lip quivered. She put more composure into her self, standing up taller and getting closer to me. "OUT!!!"
I staggered into the sitting room gathering my clothes, putting them on then swiftly brought myself to the front door, slamming it behind me.
I limped slightly as my knees ached as I made my way out in the darkness. I walked without thinking where I was going. By the time I stopped walking, it was bright enough to see the end of the road, and people were starting to come out of their houses and get into their cars for long drives to work.
I stopped walking when I began to feel tired, sitting down infront of a fence of a house, and letting my eyes just fall closed.
---
"Jack," I hear my name be called. I squint my eyes open and see Rian infront of me. Shit.
"Alex is devastated," Rian said, "What're you doing here?"
"I slept with her Rian, I don't know," I started to sob. "I just don't know what to do. I'm sick of everything. I thought having someone knew'd change how I felt at least the slight but I woke up wanting to scream. I made a mistake, Rian. I should have never left."
