Last breath

-Losses-

     "Oh my gosh, this makes absolutely no sense!"  I talked to myself. This social studies homework is not needed. History is my worst subject. I'm doing multiple choice questions. Which you'd think is very easy, or would be easy matter of fact, but its not. I turn my head to the noise of my door opening. " Hey Amanda."  My mother greeted with a smile. Her smile was a bit off though. She usually had small dimples around her mouth which was not there. She was hiding something. "Hello mother," I smiled. Moving my computer so she could sit down next to me. Patting down on my black comforters singling her to sit. "I'd rather stand Manda thank you though."  She never really said no to things like that. This made me a bit nervous for the new she was about to reveal.

"Okay mom. What do you need to tell me. You're  playing with my feelings right now." I attempted to lighten the mood by laughing. Laughing did nothing but make her even more heart broken.

"I don't know how to Manda that the thing." she breathes trying to prevent the tears from falling. She always wanted to act strong.  A tear couldn't help but escape from her marbled colored eyed down her cheek.

"Mom I came out alive through dad cheating on you in you're own room, and you and his divorce. I'm sure I can handle this." My heart was racing. What was worst then the two people we were taught to love unconditionally splitting up? I look at her. She's still taking breathes to let go over what ever she was holding on to.

"See that's the thing Manda. You barely made it out alive with your father's divorce. Barely." she couldn't continue her strong act anymore nor could she keep eye contact with me. she spoke with worry.

"Mom, I am truly fine. You raised a girl that is strong. Now you're scaring me. What is it that you're not telling me?"  I knew i wasn't ready for the news, but I had to hear it.

"Amanda sweetheart," she looks back up at me. Her eyes blood shot red. "You know how Elezabeth was heading to her family's house today?" these words were said with so much pain that I felt it.

"Yeah, i was texting her about history homework. She hasn't replied yet." I take a breath making room for my heart to drop from the news I'm going to hear.

"Honey it's snowing and well her parents lost control and slid off the Cherryhike bridge." My heart dropped. Farther then planned.

"Mother stop lying. I was just texting her." I look at my phone "she hasn't answered in 5 min. she'll answer soon." I smiled with tears in my eyes. Trying to believe every lie I was telling myself. Her face was stone cold. Her strong walls were let down. Her tears were falling to the ground. "Mom you must be playing a silly joke!" I'm practically yelling. I never yelled at her. "Mom please I'm begging. Please tell me you're lying." 

"Amanda i wish i was." She said with a voice that was unforgettably sad. My mom was more affected by this because Elezabeth was the only person that helped me. That kept me happy. All my mom ever wanted was to keep her only child happy in life. Elezabeth was the answer to that. My mother has no idea how to keep me stable with out Elezabeth. Leza helped with my mother with her divorce too.

"Mom she was 17."  my voice was low but loud enough to hear.

"Her funeral is next weekend sweetheart." she attempted to touch me but i was so broken that any movement could break every bone in my body.

"No mother. Please. Can i be alone." She nods and walks out. I was doing history homework and now my best friend and I were now known to be history. I close my laptop softly. Attempting to control my temper. The temper that i got from my father. I couldn't do this alone and i knew it. She was the one who called the cops when I tried to commit after my parents multiple arguments then their divorce was my last straw. She didn't think she'd died today. I didn't think that. We had so much planned. Our children were going to be best friends. I threw off my computer, my pillows, my lamp. Anything i could touch. Screaming in disbelief. Crying over held up emotions. I was blinded through my tears, but that didn't prevent me from seeing her teddy bear. Sitting perfectly on my nightstand. She slept with me in the hospital because she knew I had a fear of dark hospitals. She used the teddy bear she got for me as a pillow. It was the one thing I had from her that Had a meaning I couldn't forget. Now It's the last. Grabbing it. Remembering everything we did. It came in flashbacks. I cleaned the mess I made and sat on my bed.  Leza died by drowning. A slow death. I felt like I was dying by a broken heart. I turned off my lights. Leaving my Christmas lights above my bed on. I hugged the teddy bear as if it was the only thing I could hang on to life. I thought I knew the true meaning of crying yourself to sleep. But tonight was the night I knew the meaning of crying yourself to sleep. She was more than a sister to me. She was similar to a twin I never had. We had a relationship closer than sisters. She was outgoing. She taught me what life had to offer. She had me do things I never thought I'd do in my lifetime. We protected each other at all cost. No one was getting their heart broken with out a fight. Sadly i failed at protecting her this time. She gave me everything life didn't show me. She made me see it in different views. She has done countless things i couldn't repay her for.  With no one to feel how I feel and no one I trusted with my thoughts. I grabbed an empty journal. I began writing in this journal. As you would call it. My diary.

January 21, 2015

Wow, writing in a journal as if it's my therapist. I would never think id do this silly thing. Simply because Elezabeth was my therapist. She was mine and I was hers. She died today. At the age of 17. She wasn't allowed to have the time to find love, Have children or be able to taste every fry in the world like she planned. She didn't know she'd die so early. I didn't know my parent's love would die either though. Why are people so fond over the chase of finding love? The three people i have loved in my life. Got taken away. It does nothing but make you weak. If you care about someone you are allowing yourself to be weak and be hurt. What was the point of loving someone if one of you two were going to be left heartbroken either by a break up or the death. Who knew emotional pain could turn physical. Where your heart literally feels like It's physically breaking. I didn't think a heart could break unless it was over a breakup. I was terribly Wrong. It is capable of breaking more than just over a boy. I won't be weak though. I will seek the taste of adventure Leza found in her life. Her body may be dead but her soul will never die. Her words will never dissapper. Her smile will be unforgotten. I'm finding what life has to offer for you Elezabeth. Maybe I'll find why people love the chase of love in the process.

Love, Amanda