Last breath

- chapter eight -

      As the time went by filled with laughter about jenn's school stories and debates on who would win at designing a living room. Jenn of course voted on her brother because well, he's an interior designer. I'm a fashion designer. I do say that I think I'd do better just because I'm a girl. New York was really where we belonged. The city of creativity and art. Jenn spoke up, " Manda, are you and Nathan a thing yet?"
This brought shock to me. I was not at all expecting this question. I laughed nervously and so did Nathan.
" no jenn. We are not a thing. I just met her." He laughs. Hearing the words come out of his mouth hurt me. This is when I realized I had feelings for someone and I don't know if this made me terrified of being with him or made me want to be with him every second I could.
" well will you guys ever be a thing? " she asked.
" I hope one day we will be, but only she can make that come true jenn." He looked at me with that precious smirk he does. Jenn hopped up and hugged me. " I really hope it happens. I can't imagine life with out manda. She makes me feel like I have you and a mom" she said. I couldn't hide the smile filled with love when she said I filled her mothers place. If she knew her mother then she'd know I am no where near a mothers position in a child's life.
" maybe one day jenn sweetheart. One day your wish will come true." I replied hugging her back.
"Okay jenn, you have to actually finish your food if you want to continue shopping. I don't want you complaining that your starving." He said grabbing the rest of her food to bring it closer to her.
" I do not say I'm starving!" She protested.
" You told Flynn that I starve you when he was watching you. He went to buy you food." He replied.
" Okay! I was really hungry!" She yelled.
Nathan laughed, " I understand now eat the rest of your food."
I watched as these siblings acted like siblings instead of Nathan being a dad and jenn being the child. It was heart warming. I always wished I had a sibling so I didn't have to go through life alone. I feel like it would have been easier going through high school and everything else if I had someone there for me.
Nathan turns to me, " Flynn is my best friend. He watched jenn before you because jenn hated her baby sisters and needed someone she was comfortable with." He explained to me who Flynn was.
" she's never met me. Why does she trust me so much?" I asked
" I don't know actually. I was surprised when she wanted you to baby sit her." He replied.
" it's because I thought you guys knew each other. You were happy with her. It looked like you've known each other for years!" Jenn said while stuffing the last bits of her food in her mouth.
" I'm so full bubba." She lays down in the bench having her head lay on his legs while she stared at the fishes.
" she has a big imagination. She's always afraid that I'm to busy taking care of her and not finding a girlfriend but I don't think it's a necessity in my life right now." He replied.

" can you blame her? I wouldn't want to be the reason you never found a girlfriend either if I was in her position." I said back.

" yeah I can't blame her at all but she's my world. She's the only thing I have left of mom." He said brushing his hands through jenn's hair as she fell asleep.

"Is she the reason you haven't talked to anyone though?" I asked from the heart.

" she's part of the reason."

"What's the reason then?" I asked

" I don't want her thinking that she's replaceable. She doesn't understand that she'll feel replaced. She's young and any action will effect her, her whole life. The last girl I dated, she broke me and I couldn't sleep care of jenn and myself at the same time so I just never tried to find anyone else anymore." He said back looking at jenn like she was truly the reason he was alive.

" Nathaniel, you can't protect her, her whole life. She has to be able to heal on her own in her life." I said as I finished up my plate.

" I can try. I don't want her feeling what I felt. I couldn't watch her heart break more than once. If that means I have to be alone until she's 18 then so be it Amanda. She deserves everything good in the world." His reply was warming in every way you can think of.

" Nathaniel, she's not ganna be able to live with the fact that she stopped you from living your life. I'll take her to the places you can't take her and It will give you time to find new memories in life." I said. Realizing that I just gave him a chance to find someone else that isn't me and I don't know if that breaks me or not. It did hurt to think of but he's not mine to claim so i can't be a girlfriend figure. Just his friend and jenn's older figure.

" I really do appreciate it, but you don't have to. You probably have a life to live and I'm not ganna let jenn be your liability." He said while paying for out meals.

"She's not a liability. I enjoy every second with her. I'm still taking her out. If you want to come watch us get our nails done and go girl shopping then your welcome to come." I said very sarcastically so he wasn't persuaded to hang out with us. " also, you just paid for my meal and I can't allow that to happen." I gave him money to cover my meal.

" I'm not taking it. Put it back in your purse Amanda" he said

" you are taking it." I protested.

"I'm not and you're not making me." He said standing up and grabbing jenn as she fell asleep on his shoulders.

"Please just take my money it'll make me feel better." I said walking behind him trying to catch up as he left the restaurant.

"Thank you for coming. You guys are a lovely couple. Come again!" The Sciles, our waiter said on our way out. Nathan waved good bye and said thank you.

"I'm not taking it jenn I'm sorry."

"You're so stubborn!" I whined , " they think were a couple now!"

"Is that such a bad thing?" Nathan stopped in turn to look at me.

"No," I said looking down, "but were not a couple." I looked up at him.
He turned around by the time I made eye contact with him. He put jenn in the backseat to sleep and open the door for me.
"Not yet." He said as I got in and he went to get in the passenger seat. I smiled like an idiot at his words. Everything he did I loved. The way he thought, the way he lives jenn, the way his heart was. I knew I was terrified, but for once I didn't feel like a fuck up. I felt like I was loved. Loved so much that I could almost love myself for allowing myself to live a life leza wanted me to. Nathaniel doesn't know but I'm so thankful for jenn and him. Beyond thankful.