Harlem Roses

trece

I was dressed in all black, clutching a tissue in my right hand as I sobbed the entire wake. I knew that everything was my fault, but everyone tried to assure me it was not. Marshall sat beside me patting my back the entire time as I cried on his shoulder, trying his best to comfort me into understanding his cousin's death wasn't on me.

"We're gathered here today, for the mourn of Sean Michael Anderson's passing." Was the only words I actually heard before tuning out everyone. It all just felt so surreal. To think I actually had it all when I think back, but threw it all out for a bad ass. A guy named Vincent Chase Rager who I swore up and down to myself that I really loved him, when in reality it was just my hormones taking the best of me. I probably all along just wanted some bomb ass sex, that till this day have never received, and more than likely never will. Closest I got to having him was in that abandoned basement, and I wouldn't be surprised if the reason I was acting like that was because that creep in the alley drugged me up.

But why the hell am I thinking about Vinny? Sean is gone, and there was now way of bringing him back. I was a dumb ass and thought walking out of Olive Garden over Jhene being a bitch, was the best card. When in reality it wasn't! If only I could have just took the time out to think half of what was going on in my life. Just notice that every time I fucked up it effected everyone around me, maybe just maybe, we wouldn't be in this situation. But that is obviously out of the picture being that I seem to be a naive hypocrite who couldn't settle with the best, and had to have better.

I need a break from guys, I need to settle down and really think my life through, because obviously the life of playing hide and go seek with two boys emotions is not the proper relationship anyone should have. I need to clear my head of all sexual thoughts of both Vinny and Sean. Neither of them would be with me anymore since I couldn't just stick with one from the jump. On top of that I need to stop thinking of Marshall as the rebound guy, he was Sean's cousin, me messing with him would only help me gain more shame from The Anderson's. I assume at after the funeral, Vashtie Kola, was someone they didn't want anywhere near them.

"To know my child will be born into this world without a father is probably the worse thing to sleep on at night. Having a child who's father is in jail or a drug lord is bad, but having to tell your child that their father died from being brutally beaten is worst. My child will never understand, he or she will barely have any understandings on it's father because he's ... gone." Jhene cried out as she rested a hand on Sean's all black closed casket. To be such a bitch about everything around me, I never took the time out to notice that Sean's child won't have a damn father. Something that no kid should have to live through. No matter how much I had hated Jhene before, she had to be going through the entire situation the hardest.

I literally wanted to just walk up to her, and engulf her into a hug. Squeeze her tightly and let her know everything would be okay. Whether I liked it or not, Sean's death may be what would bring us back to being friends. It's sad it took a tragedy to occur to open my eyes, but the people I had been hanging with was only pulling me down.

Once the final words where said, and everyone began filling out of the church was when I caught up to Jhene. "Look, I'm sorry for always being bitch towards you, but I just want you to know that you actually have some one who's going to have your back though out this pregnancy." I assured her, patting her back with a light smile.

"Thanks, and I think I should be the one apologizing in a way. The pregnancy kinda was what pushed you guys further apart." She sighed, rubbing her stomach. "At least we know he's in a better place with his mother." She added as I nodded my head in agreement.

"What's with you and that Vinny Chase dude?" She question, getting up from her chair as we walked side by side out of the funeral home. I shrugged, trying my best to brush of all thoughts of Vinny, all though in reality he had been one of the people I couldn't get out of my mind.

"I just sometimes wonder how things would have been if things ended up the other way around." I responded, sounding completely off from Jhene's question. She then nodded, adjusting her trench coat as we turned a corner in sync. "What would have happened if Vinny died, while Sean lived and went to jail. At least then your baby would have a father."

"I understand where you comingn from with that." She nodded yet again patting my back. "At least you might have some hope with Vinny. Clear up any problems you guys had." She added with a reassuring smile before walking of with a wave.

"Thanks." I called it with a slight smile as I continued out twoards the bus stop. I was a bit confused on what made her think that I should clear up problems with Vinny, but took that as some calling from god that I should at least bring some closure to whatever we had.

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My heart was thumping as I sat at an empty table waiting for him to come out. Many other inmates where chatting and smiling with their families while I sat impatiently looking out the large window that displayed an interesting view of New York.

"Vashtie Kola." He said with a smirk, taking a seat before me. I probally would have smiled like an idiot if I had heard him say like that before, but right now I just held a straight face as I as adjusted the bun of curls atop of my head.

"Just stop." I begged, with groan shaking my head. "You don't understand how fucking dumb I feel for sticking with you this long. A child is going to grow up without a father because of you Vinny!" I exclaimed glaring at him across the table as the smirk immediately vanished.

"So it's just like that? You're going to be like fuck everything we ever had over-"

"No. We honestly never had anyhing Vinny. I was to blinded by you handsome features and charm to notice all along you was a the sane guy I was warned about." I then blurted out, stopping him from continuing on with his words.

"Everything was just... nothing? The time we actually became closer at that coffee shop, and when I was the shoulder you cried on when Dajsha died?"

"I actually thought it was something until I find out you killed Dajsha." I answered with a frown.

"Ok, I'm getting sick and tired of you constantly saying I killed that girl. I didnt have shit to do with Dajsha dying, alright? It was all Rakim. But when I tried to confront him about it, he was just talking shit bout you. So I fucked him up. Me and Theo then took care of everything else." He finally added with a deep breath starring out the window. "I killed Rakim cause he said you were Sean's bitch and some other disrespectful crap. It hit a nerve, cause I was actually trying to prove to you that I was going to change, but I was going backwards. So eventually I just began to stop trying. I don't know, you seemed like you wanted me, but still had some feelings for Sean that was never cleaned up."

"So all along all you was trying to do was protect me?" I questioned in a confused tone, raising my eyebrows.

"Well, something like that. I just wanted you to myself. I wasn't going to share a girl with someone else." He sighed, "But that was obviously a fail because look where love landed me." I took a deep breath before blowing it out slowly. To actually finally hear the true story began to change my views on a lot of things. "But don't worry, you'll find the right guy out there somewhere. You just have to follow your heart, but don't be naive for a dumb ass like me." He chuckled with a small smile.

"Mr. Rager, you're time is up." A man said, instructing him to get up as he nodded. He then turned back to me, giving me a slight wave before making his way back through the door he entered. I continued to watch him until he was out of sight, grabbing my things from the table with a sigh.

I came with my mindset on closure, and ended up leaving with more questions circling my mind.