Hi Kim :(
See that sad face? Huhuhu. Alam mo bang this is the worst day of my life? Sunod sunod yung problema ko and as if naman kasalanan ko.
Something happened in school kasi. May something issue dahil dun sa ginawa kong report. Hindi ko nalang e-elaborate, basta ganun. I'm preparing nga para bukas kasi baka kausapin ako ng dean namin. Confident naman ako sa sarili ko na ma-dedefend ko yung sarili ko, but somehow I'm afraid. Kasi naman hindi ko alam kung anong mali sa ginawa ko. Kahit nga yung adviser ko sa class na yun, walang nakitang mali sa ginawa ko. KAhit sinong tanungin ko, okay na okay yung news ko. But then, yun nga na-issue.
Hindi naman big deal sa akin na kakausapin ako ng heads kasi alam ko for myself tama ako, but the thing is, may ibang tao na sobrang walang paki-alam talaga. Just this morning nalaman ko yung tungkol dito. It really bothered me a lot, pero kahit papaano, confident ako. But just this afternoon, may nabasa akong comment sa facebook ng classmate ko. She was like emphasizing my mistake which really offended me. Come to think of it, kung verbal yun, eh parang back bite na yun. But the thing is, it was posted on facebook. Akala niya siguro, hindi ko maiintindihan yung ibig niyang sabihin. She must've thought na hindi ko yun mababasa, but unfortunately, I did.
I cried so hard kanina. Buti na nga lang at yung REAL friends ko talaga was there to comfort me. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako umiyak ng ganun. I know how this person treats everyone, but hindi ko talaga napigilan na umiyak na. It was the first time I cried that hard in front of my friends. Kahit petty lang yung reason, na-iyak talaga ako. I was hurt. Mas lalo kong na-bring down yung sarili ko. I'm really thankful with my friends kasi they were cheering me up, pero kahit ngayon, masakit pa rin.
Hindi ko alam kung anong mangyayari bukas, but I hope magiging okay na ang lahat - atleast they would be able to hear my side. But still, dahil sa nangyari kanina, nawala na tuloy yung confidence ko sa sarili ko. Now I'm thinking, tama ba ang course na pinasukan ko? Tama ba ang pakikitungo ko sa mga kaklase ko? Tama pa bang mabuhay ako?
Now this is just a petty reason. Pero dahil dito I kept on thinking, what's the point of my life? Nakakainis, sobra. Why can't all people be understanding? Kung masama lang talaga akong tao, marami na sana akong ginawa. I can be the meanest person ever, pero hindi ko kaya. Pero ewan ko nalang talaga kung kantiin ako. Baka isang araw, kahit ako mismo, di ko na makilala ang sarili ko.
Sorry for ranting Kim. I just had to. Ayoko ng i-bring up to sa iba eh. Naiiyak lang ako. I know maraming tao ang nasa likod ko. But I dont want them to meddle with my problem. Siguro I have this for my own. Siguro this is a problem with myself. MArami akong tanong. MArami akong insecurities. Marami akong kinatatakutan. Kahit marami pang tao ang nasa likod ko, by the end of the day, ako at ako lang ang mag-dedesisyon.
Okay, far out na masyado yung pinagsasabi ko. But yeah, I'm feeling fine right now while writing this. I just need this.
Anyway, I'll see you soon Kim. :)
BINABASA MO ANG
A letter for Kaizen
ChickLitDear Kim, if ever you are reading this, ugh - please don't continue. HAHAHA