the stars in my sky/viktuuri

simple

*Seung-gil Lee

I was drowning.

It wasn't unusual for me to eat dinner by myself.

A host would ask me, "How many are you waiting on, hon?"

All they would receive would be a downcast glance and a small mumble.

"Just me, please."

A small iced water, a bowl of over-priced fancy ramen, vegetables on the side. 

It costs more than I always suspect, but I never complain.

Living alone saves you money.

A safe walk back to the hotel.

Ice skating fan girls for everyone but me slightly cower away in my path.

To them I am cold, emotionless.

I try to smile, I really do.

But I am drowning,

and the water around me is pushing me further and further away

from any sense of content it can find.

An empty room

watching over a restless city,

one with booming music and dancing lights.

I wonder where I'd be

if anyone had thought to invite me,

the stone-cold Seung-gil Lee.

Maybe in that bar, the one with the blue lights blinding me through the window,

even though I don't drink.

Maybe walking around the square, in the festival,

even though there's nothing to really see.

Maybe that's the problem.

I

see

nothing

in 

a 

world

of

blinding

beauty.

Children laughing, stars dancing for no one in particular.

Maybe they're dancing for me.

Telling me to get out, to go explore their earth.

Colors

of navy, crimson, lilac and a steaming hot pink

they are nothing but a combination of cyan, magenta, and yellow.

Everything, like colors

is simplicity

hiding behind a bigger picture

than what it really is.

But for me,

there's no bigger picture to hide behind

in the first place.

I sit in the bath tub, and I look up

a tile ceiling

and I pretend that it's the stars.

And I lower myself down, into the water

yet I feel dry,

empty.

I hold my breath, and close my eyes.

And let the water undertake me

so I can hear nothing

but the sound of my heart slowing

and my mind thinking

"simple".

The phone rings, catching me out of the trance that I've been in for the past twenty years. I look around, and rub my eyes, before widening them as I realize I'm sitting on the window ledge of my hotel room, and the winds of the city were whipping around me in races of who could push me off first.

I walk inside the hotel room soundlessly, looking for my phone before hesitantly pulling it up to my ear and saying, "Hello."

"Se!" A high-pitched, energetic voice rips me of my laziness and I'm slightly rolling my eyes before answering.

"Phichit?"

"Mhhm! I'm at your hotel, please come down at accompany my friends and I to the city!"

"I don't... know..."

"Se~~~"

I walked through the festival that I had looked upon what seemed like so long ago, my arm in warmth with Phichit's arm linked around it. A joke is made. I laugh, and Phichit smiles at me with this smile that is more complex than magenta, cyan, or yellow. 

I look around me.

Children's laughter

Dancing stars

Booming music

Restless lights of a city I've yet to meet, but will know all the well by the end of the night.

None of these things

are simple.

"Hey, Seung, c'mon! Let's go to that shop!" Phichit tugs on my arm, and the others nod their heads, smiling at me.

Maybe

just maybe

I can stop drowning for one night

and try to understand

that there is nothing simple

about who I am.

hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this was a weird chapter?and very short too oops. i started writing it when i was really sad, but toward the end i started lightening up, so i decided seung could, too. I SAID I WOULD UPDATE YESTERDAY IM SO SORRY I GOT CAUGHT UP (with sleeping) BUT I HAVE ANOTHER STORY IDEA THAT I MAY POST TODAY SO MAYBE(???) DOUBLE UPDATE!!!!!!!

-g