the stars in my sky/viktuuri

come home soon

"good work today, guys. get some sleep and i'll finish up here," i said, waving off the rest of our team that sat in the operating room of the spacecraft. they all nod my way and smile slightly, uncomfortably.
"yuuri, please get some sleep as well," Hikori, my top computer engineer, says to me as she leaves to go back to the den. "i know you miss home, but we have to keep pulling through."
"yes, Hikori-san, i know. i will." i say back and confidently grin at her despite the bags under my eyes pulling my whole face to my jaw, cheekbones aching.

we've been in space for eleven months, three weeks and two days, now three. we were supposed to go home after three months to install and fix misprogramming and lost satellites that our systems weren't able to fix from home. but our systems failed and we had to wait two months before new installation tools were able to reach us and then, it just kept happening, over and over and over again. our view from the station has changed from ocean to ocean and then we all realized that it's almost been a year.

it's december back at home, and as we start to see japan again and signaling the new year, i'm missing everything.

i look down at the earth and from where we are, i feel big. like the world could be placed nicely in between my arms in a comforting hug.
the other side of the universe that we see through our window, though, is a whole other story.
it's everything else. the moon and the sun and the millions and billions and trillions of miles it looks like in between. when we were out there, all suited up and praying for our lives that our cords securing us to the station would stay put, it was like living on a different level. when i held my breath for three seconds, i heard absolutely nothing. not even a ringing or a static-like noise like you do when you hold your breath underwater or in your room at night. absolutely nothing.
and i felt so small.

i walked around to our window room, as we like to call it, and i look at earth as i open my tablet. i stare at japan and focus hard enough to make my head hurt, trying to convince myself that maybe, if i look hard enough, i'll be able to see home. see my kitchen and my mom, see my bed and him sleeping in it if he hasn't given up already and gone back to russia. from up here, the two countries don't look as far away as they feel when he leaves.
i see his name and i click 'call' and pray to all the gods that he hasn't given up on me by now, that somehow he knows that we only get one skype call while we're up here and how much he has to answer.

his face appears on the screen and it's dark and i can barely see the shadows underneath his cheekbones or the strands of silver falling in his eyes.
"...yuuri..?" his voice is static but breathtaking and im already letting tears fall down my cheeks.

"happy birthday," i sing to him and his eyes grow wide, running across the room to turn on all of the lights and instantly illuminating every part of him.
"yuuri!" he yells and his face lights up with joy and agony and confusion and sadness and life and i think for a second that maybe this is going to be okay.
"yuuri, i.. where are you? where the fuck are you?" his face then slowly turns to anger, something i've rarely seen on victor, something that makes me change my mind.
"i.." i stutter and look around me before picking up the tablet and turning the camera to show the earth, to show space and time and everything. "im right above you; im right here," i say.

victors eyes fill with tears and he covers his mouth with his hand. "you're as beautiful as ever," i try to say, but instead i say "you're every beautiful" and he laughs and cries into his hand even more.
"i miss you, i miss you, i miss you" he sobs, and tears fall unforgivingly down my cheeks. "i've thought about you every day," he cries, "i've looked up at the stars and tried to find you, i looked for you in between the sheets on your mattress and the clothes on your floor, god you're such a slob, i fucking miss you, the leaves on the trees still haven't fallen because they're waiting for your okay, the sky hasn't painted itself red and pink since the day you left the snow hasn't fallen once this year because you weren't there to dance in it, i-" more sobs escape his mouth and his hand covers a bit of the webcam. "i can't remember how you feel," he whispers.

"i haven't slept since the day i was supposed to come home and they told me it'd be a little while. i haven't slept since i realized i wouldn't find your heat and your smell again for a very long time, i haven't slept since the day i tried to call you and my partner said 'yuuri, you might want to wait, this could be a while'. i haven't slept since you and im so tired, victor, im so tired of missing you it's so damn exhausting." i smile and i touch the screen and imagine it's his face and i can almost feel the burn of his cheeks through my fingertips.
"im so sorry," i say to his static figure, "that i missed valentine's day and i dreamt of your lips and your body and the smell of flowers and love and im sorry that i missed summer. i dreamt of you at the beach and the waves matching your eyes and combing sand out of your hair and im sorry that i missed halloween and putting dumb costumes on Makkachin to make us feel like kids again and i dreamt of candy and the ghost of your hands and your nose and your voice. im sorry that i missed making gingerbread houses and decorating our home with all of your thousands of christmas decorations that i dreamt of you having to hang without me. i dreamt of the taste of cider lingering on your lips and pumpkin pie and candy canes and how much i love you when it snows. im so sorry i'm missing your birthday and christmas and i swear i'll make everything up to you when i get home because i will, eventually, fucking come home."

victor and i are quiet for a few minutes, my fingers tracing over every part of him, trying to remind my brain of how he feels. i recognize my pillows and my walls from behind him and my cheeks blossom pink because i can feel how long he's been staying in my room. every few moments one of us would whisper "i miss you" or "i love you" and it only got quieter and harder.
"this has been the hardest year of my life," he tells me.
"i love you," i tell him. and then i tell him again and then again because the timer signaling the ending of my video call has appeared on the screen.
"we only have a minute left, don't we?" he asks, but it's less of a question and more of him trying to convince himself that we will see each other again.

"the world looks so small from up here," i say, "i keep trying to look for you but it's a pretty big range."
he laughs a little and my heart flutters the same way it does every time i hear that musical sound. his laugh is music. he looks like music. he is music.
"i love you more than anything you can see out there," he says to me, and the timer says thirty seconds and my heart pounds. "i love you more than the sun and moon and stars, the planets and the whole universe. you are everything. you are everything."

"i love you" i say. ten seconds.
"i love you," he says back to me. five.
"come home so-"

i hold my breath and i close my eyes and there is no more ringing or tstatic. it is utter silence. come home soon, victors voice finishes his sentence in my head. he hasn't given up yet.

lol hey idk either but hope u missed me