Six Letter Word [Kaylor]

January 2017 (Part 1)

Going back to chemo had been one of the hardest things I'd ever done. Just making myself walk through those doors, knowing what would come, I felt like I was climbing a mountain. I had Karlie with me, of course. Without her I probably wouldn't have showed. But with her there to encourage me, gently but firmly, I'd gone. It had actually been better than expected. I'd gotten hugs from Dr. Miller, Deshaun and Andy, even Makenna, and we'd all talked about our holidays while Andy accessed my port for my blood tests. Deshaun and his wife had just found out they were pregnant, Andy had celebrated Hanukkah with his sister and her husband, Makenna had gone home to Maine, and Dr. Miller and her husband and kids had gone to visit her family back in small town Ohio. They were eager to hear all about our trip to St. Louis, and our time with our families. Andy was especially excited to hear we'd done Chrismukkah, a personal favorite of his since it was more inclusive, and because he just liked Christmas trees. I'd even gotten to meet with Dr. Park from the radiation team, though he was still more reserved, he had asked about my holiday and said his was good as well. He was there more to make sure the revised program for my treatment was set up properly, but it was still nice to continue to get personalized care from my doctors and treatment team.

They warned me that around now was when I would likely begin noticing side effects from the radiation. It usually takes a few weeks for the effects to build up. They reminded us that they would probably be mild, things like reddening of the skin where the beams were aimed, and discomfort like sunburn. I could also feel tender and swollen in the areas they were treating as the cells that had been disrupted by the radiation began to die off in larger numbers. They warned me to watch out for swelling in my arms and legs since the radiation was targeting lymph nodes and could, because of the sheer number of lymph nodes being treated, cause lymphedema, a rare problem where the fluid my lymph nodes usually circulates through my body would get stuck in one place. Yet another lovely set of side effects to be on the lookout for, but this one was a little scarier, because unlike the hair loss, or nausea and vomiting from chemo, this one would be lasting if it happened. They said I was low risk because I hadn't had any nodes surgically removed outside my neck, and I was under rather than overweight, but it was still uncomfortable to be faced with an effect that could be life-long. A reminder for the rest of my life of the time I was sick. Not that I thought I would ever forget. But like any other unpleasant memory, the bad parts would, I hoped, fade with time, leaving behind things like my wedding to Karlie, and all the love and care she showed me while I was in treatment.

Using the medication we affectionately called my inhaler, I actually managed to make it through the whole infusion before the urge to throw up hit, rather than in the middle. So that was an improvement. And even after, it helped. Instead of constant nausea, I only felt it right before I puked. And although the vomiting was as violent as ever, it only happened twice, at the end of my infusion, and later in the evening, which, coupled with the abatement of the nausea, meant for the first time since starting chemo, I was able to keep food down on an infusion day. An actual bright spot. The exhaustion had still been the same on Tuesday, but when Karlie woke me up I'd been able to eat more than just the bare minimum to accompany my meds. I wasn't hungry, exactly, but the thought of eating didn't completely repulse me either. It was hard to believe that it was that easy, adding in one vaguely illegal drug made it so much better. I still wouldn't call chemo fun, but it was much more bearable.

Our New Year's Eve had come and gone without much observance. We'd snuggled on the couch and watched the ball drop, reminiscing about the times I'd performed in years past, and imagining a time when maybe Karlie and I could go together when I performed and it could be her wrapping her coat around my frozen slightly drunk ass instead of Ryan Seacrest. Even whatever the hell Mariah Carey did only made me laugh, at least it wasn't me. I was impressed with myself that I stayed awake late enough to see it. All of it. And to kiss my wife at midnight, the first of many to come, I hoped. 2016 had been a pretty huge disaster for me, three Grammys and my wedding notwithstanding. 2017 had to be better. Karlie and I were going into it together, as a couple, that everyone knew about. That nearly everyone supported. I was sick, but I was in treatment and hopefully if 2016 was the year I was diagnosed, 2017 would be the year I went into remission. There were a lot of reasons to be happy for a new year to be starting, even if I wasn't up for a huge celebration.