Six Letter Word [Kaylor]

September, 2016 (Part 1)

You should know, I don't date my journal entries. I've never liked that, being all "dear diary, today blah blah blah." I just kinda write. I never expected to publish my journals, other than maybe a page or two here and there. So sometimes, editing them together for you now, I've added in memories, thoughts, things I thought weren't that important in the moment. It's not verbatim, but I used the journal to help remember how things went. How they felt. I even asked Karlie sometimes to fill in how things were going that I wasn't aware of at the time. When it's her memory or perspective I'm using, I'll use italics.

I didn't plan to tell Karlie I even had a doctor's appointment today. She knows I've been going to my therapist more often lately. She knows I've been noticing signs my depression is getting worse, and she's been super supportive. So going to see my regular doctor to see if I can get prescribed antidepressants again honestly didn't seem like a huge deal. She knows I've taken them before. She never would have known, except that I got up early. It's not even that I was hiding it. It just didn't seem like a thing we needed to talk about.

When I came downstairs she was eating some kind of chia seed crap out of a Tupperware. I swear to god it was green. No joke. She had the Wall Street Journal spread out all over the island, and she was bending over the counter in her yoga pants so I got distracted by her fabulous butt. Seriously, it is a work of art. Seeing that first thing in the morning will never get old. Plus, she was just wearing a sports bra, so I could see plenty of skin. Definitely not complaining. Although I have a tendency to toss out that green crap when I find it in the fridge, because it looks spoiled, even when it's fresh. But she hates the entire meat drawer, so I guess we're even. God I get distracted easily.

Anyway, I was still wearing her shirt that I'd slept in the night before, I had literally just thrown my glasses on my face and gone downstairs to feed the cats before I took my shower and got ready for my appointment. It was early in the morning and since they were going to be probably prescribing me medication, they wanted me to fast before I went so they could run blood work, just in case. I hate needles, but what can you do, you know? I snuck up behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist, relishing the chance to be the big spoon for once. She yelped when my hands touched her shiny abs, and I laughed. My hands are always freezing. It's nice when I can use it to my advantage. She asked if I wanted her to make me breakfast. Maybe an omelet? She knew better than to even suggest whatever the hell she was eating.

I knew she was worried about me after I said no thanks. I could feel her eyes searching my face for signs that it had a deeper reason than just not wanting anything. She offered to toast me a pop tart. If you know my girl, you know that's like sacrilegious. She doesn't BELIEVE in pop tarts. To prevent her from worrying that I was developing anorexia in addition to depression (not a totally crazy idea, perfectionist types are prone to developing the two together, though I personally haven't experienced that), I told her I couldn't because of my doctor's appointment, but I was planning to treat myself to brunch as soon as I got out.

The way she tilted her head looked just like an inquisitive puppy, and she was wracking her brain trying to figure out if I'd told her about the appointment and she'd just forgotten. She has a lot on her plate right now with schools starting again and Fashion Week, even though she's not walking like she usually does, she still has events to attend, and she's even presenting Derek with an award at one of them. I've been helping her write the speech. So although I know she would actually remember if I'd told her, I feel like she thought it was possible it had slipped her mind. I love my girlfriend, but she has no filter. "Shit, did I forget? I only have a study group today, so I can totally go with you," were the words that came out of her mouth. I couldn't let her believe she'd forgotten when she seemed so distressed.