Start of Time » Stiles Stilinski

12. Can't Stop This Feeling

You know, I haven't given much thought to how I'd die. I mean, as a writer, I've thought about it a few times when I'm writing for my characters or stories. I mean, I've given thought to my future. What I'd wear to prom, where Stiles and I would have our first time, where we'd go to college, where we'd live and what our wedding would be like. Hell, all of us have given thoughts to our future no matter how ridiculous. 

And honestly, I never thought that my life would be as crazy as it is now. 

I don't even know what I feel anymore. I mean, sometimes I feel like I'm not even really here. Like this is all some sort of bad dream that I'm waiting to wake up from. And I want to wake up so badly. I don't know what happened back at Scott's house, fighting with Isaac... It was like I had no control over my body and even if my mind knew it was wrong to kill him.. 

I couldn't stop myself. 

None the less, I've given some serious thinking to how I'd die recently. What with how our lives are going lately and considering my last "death" was painfully slow..I hope it's fast and Stiles doesn't have to witness it again. I know it'll kill me if I lose him and I can only imagine if he had to relive losing me. I don't ever want to have to think about or live through losing him. 

You know, I wonder what it's like to be dead. I wonder if it's peaceful? Like you're floating or you're in your perfect world. Like my perfect world would be Stiles and I are living in suburban New York. A cute two story house with a huge backyard and a pool. We'd have three or four kids, having a boy first then a girl so she could have a big brother to look after her. And we'd all be a big, happy family with Scott and Allison and Lydia visiting us. We'd have family traditions and even dress the kids up as werewolves as an inside joke. We'd focus on our careers, I'd become a famous author or an english professor or maybe even a photojournalist so i can use two passions in one career while Stiles is in law enforcement, maybe a CSI since he's practically the comic book adaption of Barry Allen brought to life in my eyes. One or two of our kids would follow in his foot steps of keeping people safe because they have his huge heart. Then after our kids are grown and don't need us anymore, we'd retire to a cute little villa in Italy's country side. 

And we'd spend the remainder of our days in utter and complete peace. 

Now that would be my perfect life. But life is not supposed to be perfect. It's supposed to be messy, complicated because that means it's real. We don't look for someone perfect, we find someone who's perfect for us because we appreciate and share their flaws. And because in our eyes, they're perfect already even if they don't think they are. 

And to me, Stiles is perfect. 

He is strong, kind hearted, always helping others and he's funny and sincere. And I just am so in love with him, he's a part of me as I am of him. And if something were to happen to him.. I'd never be able to move on. Because how do you move on if you've lost a part of yourself? How do you feel whole again? 

If I do die, I hope it's peaceful and I'm waiting for Stiles in our perfect afterlife or heaven. I hope you don't keep thinking about how you died or why or how it makes no sense or it's not fair. 

"You doing okay?" I heard Stiles voice behind me as I snapped out of my thoughts.