sulat.roniko

.inked

i keep telling myself before that even if i hate my parents, i still love them. that i still remember how it used to be when we were just kids; when i was growing up in that tiny house with all twelve of us in it. how it used to be simple and happy. 

for so long i've been comforting myself with words like "there's no such thing as a perfect family", or "at least we're still together" or "that i should be grateful i'm here and it's because of them".

but the truth is, we're not kids anymore. nine years was a long time, and to be completely honest with you, i'm grateful that they weren't there for me at all during those times. my friends became my family, i got closer to phibs and ate grace; i learned how to take care of myself and to manage everything else. 

but now, now is different. it's hard to pretend it's okay when they're actually here with me. telling me/us what to do, how to do it, reminding us of our failures -thinking that it'll motivate us. telling us that we should be careful of everything of everyone. 

i am their daughter, that won't ever change. but i'm not sure kung magulang ko pa ba sila. they think they can just skip those nine years and pretend that they know me -the me right now. nanay can't even call me by my name without mentioning my sister's or my niece's. they're old, i see that, every time i look at them and even if i don't. i see that. napapaisip na lang ako na kung nandoon ba sila noong pumasok akong hs at nakapagtapos hanggang college e may magbabago ba. ang hirap kasi na sasabihin sa inyo na pinalaki kayo at nandyan sila lagi when the truth is they missed almost a decade of your life. 

i just want them to accept na iba na ngayon. kaso hindi talaga. ni hindi man lang sila nag-eefort para intindihin din kami, kailangan sila ang intindihin namin. na "kapakanan" lang daw namin ang niiisip nila kaya lagi nilang sinasabi:  "may pinag-aralan kayo, dapat ang trabaho nyo yong tinapos nyo" na "'yong boss ko 'di naman nag-college pero bakit mas mataas pa sya sa'kin" na "ang mga lalaki, isa lang ang habol nyan sa babae, wag mo agad ibibigay." 

napaka-judgemental nila. na akala mo kung sinong magagaling. na kailangan kang pag-sabihan araw-araw, na pagsasabihan tapos pag nagsasalita ka magsasalita lang din sila. tapos sasabihin nila, nakikinig/makikinig sila sa'yo pero hindi naman talaga. na bakit raw hindi kami nagsasabi, nagkwekwento or nagsasalita.

tapos mauulit lang din. magsasalita/sasagot ko pagsasabihan ka ng "'yang mga ate at kuya nyo hindi kami sinasagot-". tapos magtataka sila kung bakit ka tahimik.

hindi na maayos 'to. kung sana marunong silang makinig at umintindi, pero wala e. sila na mismo 'yong nagsabi na wala silang tiwala sa'min. na ganyan ang tingin nila sa anak nila. okay na, okay ng ganito. ayoko na ring makinig, ayoko ng madagdagan pa 'yong galit at inis ko sa kanila na inipon ko ng mahigit sampung taon. 

i will let everything go. because i know, i will leave this place. and i will be happy.