Spontanéité

Story of my life // snapshot

If you were handed a book based on your life, would you read it? Lake sighed at the question on her screen. She didn't hesitate to answer. Yes. A million times, yes. Her mind flickered back to a conversation she'd had with a friend- Daran- earlier that day.

"You know what I'm looking forward to most of all?" she'd asked, somewhat dreamily. They were both Christian, and somehow their conversation had turned to heaven. It was a random topic, but Lake was known for randomness, and Daran was getting used to it. It was taking a while, but still.

"No, what?" Daran made a frustrated noise as the white pavement near the A-block came into view. "Ugh. They really need to paint that or something, it's blinding," she said, squinting her eyes and raising a hand to shield them. Honestly, she grumbled silently.

Lake blocked her own narrowed eyes with a hand, still smiling. "I'm really excited about reading my story, you know what I mean?" She practically closed her eyes, trying her best not to trip over anything as she walked with her eyes as slits.

Daran looked at her like she'd grown another head. "What are you talking about?"

"You know how everything you do and say is recorded? Wel-"

"Wait, what?" Daran interrupted her and stopped short. In confusion, Lake stopped and faced her. "What do you mean, 'everything you do and say is recorded'?"

Lake frowned. "Wait, I thought you knew." Daran raised her eyebrows.

"Knew what?" Her voice filled with alarm. Dread, fear, even.

"Knew that everything in your life is recorded. You know. Your thoughts, words, actions- everything." Lake was genuinely baffled at the alarm etched into her friend's expression.

"You're kidding, right?" Lake shook her head slowly. Daran swore, and Lake shot her a look. Daran was still trying to get a better hold on her language. "Are you sure?"

Lake nodded once, eyebrows furrowed as she tried to figure out what Daran was freaking out about. "Well, yeah, it's in the Bible. Revelations, or something." Daran swore silently. That makes it true.

And I saw the dead, small and great, standing before God, and books were opened. And another book was opened, which is the Book of Life. And the dead were judged according to their works, by the things which were written in the books.

"But wha-" Daran stopped, seeing Lake so confused. "What's so confusing about my reaction?" she asked. It can't be just me. She's got to be the only person on earth so excited about that. "You can't have had a perfect past." There's no way.

Lake made a face, her features morphed into something mixed between a wince and a cringe. "No, of course not." Her mind drifted. I've been a horrible person, I've been a nice person, I've met beautiful people and ugly people and I've been an ugly person-

"So why are you treating this like it's a good thing, then?" Daran crossed her arms and peered at her friend through narrowed eyes. You're crazier than I thought. She paused. And that's saying something..

"It is a good thing," Lake shrugged.

Daran's disbelief was evident. "You expect me to believe you actually think it's a good thing? What about that expression on your face, just then?"

Lake took a deep breath. "I've made a whole heap of mistakes- haven't we all? But I'm learning to accept that and move on. Forgive myself because God forgave me. You know?" Daran stared at her. Lake had no idea if her words were getting through. Both minds whirled with countless thoughts. "It is a good thing," Lake repeated.

"Right," Daran scoffed, and she started moving towards the A-block, eyes still almost shut against the reflected light.

"It is, really," Lake reiterated, falling into step beside her friend. "I just- I really, really want to look back one day and see how everything falls into place. I really just want to see how God used every single thing to weave some sort of story. My story. And I really just want to see how my story fits into, like, this puzzle that, when finished, shows God's story. From beginning to end. I just- I just want to see how everything fits together." How every bit of pain, every single regret I have, all the bad memories, all the good memories, how it all fits.

Daran stared at her for a long, silent moment before she went into the A-block, Lake following behind. Neither brought up the topic again.

I wonder if it touched her heart, Lake reflected, sitting on her bed with her back against the wall. I wonder if it made any impact on her. She sighed, heavily. I just want to see that none of it was pointless. That all those people I hurt along the way turn out ok. That they meet God, that they heal from the hurt I gave. She rested her head in her arms and stared at the blank wall opposite her. I just want to see how my story plays out, and how it fits into the great puzzle.

"From where I'm standing," Lake sang, silently, "Lord, it's so hard for me to see where this is going, where You're leading me. I wish I knew how all my fears and all my questions are gonna play out, in a world I can't control." Lake closed her eyes, singing the words in the silence with all her heart. "When I'm lost in the mystery, to You, my future is a memory.."

#
You number my wanderings;
Put my tears into Your bottle;
Are they not in Your book?

Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them.