headmaster styles.

Drowning In Misery

I am in misery, there’s nobody who can comfort me.

May 5, 2012
The Dahm Mansion

I didn’t ruin the wedding. But as soon as I fell to my knees, Niall picked me up and rushed me out of the church. I don’t even know if they got married or not. But that’s the question that has been running through my mind for the past twelve hours.

Did he say I Do?

I couldn’t move. I was wrapped in my blanket, I was tired, my bones were frozen just the same as my heart, considering that I still have one. I couldn’t deal with this. I can not sit here and think everyday about him, wondering if he even married Penelope. What if he didn’t? Would he come back to me? Would it be awkward between us, or would he plead on his knees?

I buried my face in the blanket and my phone began to buzz underneath my arm. I struggled to pull it free, but then I pulled it up and looked at the screen. Malina was calling me. I ignored the call and tossed my phone on the blanket. I let out a large groan, and then my bedroom door creaked open, the light of the hallway shining in my dark, isolated room. The light was so painful, my heart began to ache along with my body, and I began to cry.

“Anastasia. Please come out of your room,” it was Niall. “I know things are bad now, but trust me they will get better.”

“How could you possibly know that? The man I love is probably on his fucking honeymoon with the woman he pretended to love.. although he may love her now that I’m out of the picture. How do you know, that everything, is going to be okay?” I ranted through my sobs and I heard the door close.

But then I felt the bed give in and looked up to see Niall sitting at the edge of my bed. “I know because you made it.”

I sat up and brought my knees to my chest, “No I didn’t. I didn’t make it. He’s not sitting in my bed right now, is he? He’s not holding me, he’s not telling me that everything is going to be okay, is he? Are you seeing things that I’m not because clearly I’m missing something here.” My tears wouldn’t stop and he sighed.

“You made it, Anastasia. He may be in someone else’s bed, but look at you. You’ve made it through the worst of it.” He smiled and I laughed a little.

“Niall, if you haven’t noticed by now, I am fucking miserable. Hell, I can’t even look to a certain side of the room without seeing him. I am not fine. I am not fine whatsoever. I didn’t make it. The only way I would have made it is if I was standing at the altar saying my vows to him right now. But clearly that’s not happening, and it’s not going to happen.” I crossed my arms over my legs.

“How do you know that?” he pressed on and I groaned.

“Because he’s God knows where now! He’s not here with me! He’s not nervous about talking to me or thinking about me! Niall! He’s with the love of his life!” Niall’s face grew stern and he stood up, walking over to my nightstand.

He pulled out the half-bent envelope that I received at the wedding and I swallowed. “If I recall, or if I’m not mistaken, Harry said that you were the love of his life. Right?” I nodded. “Then why the fuck are you saying Penelope is the love of his life? I stayed with him the four days before his wedding, and do you know how much it took to get him to stop rambling on about you! I begged him to write his vows, and believe it or not, as if you weren’t listening, he didn’t say a single thing about loving Penelope.” Oh I heard it. I heard every bit of it. “Harry loves you, Anastasia. Whether you like it or not.”

“Are you happy now?” I asked, and he sat down in front of me, crossing his legs and bringing the note up to his face.

“Are you happy? Anastasia?” He turned the question on me and I looked down to my hands. I imagined Harry’s hand in mine, the way his fingers fit perfectly in mine, the way his thumb gently rubbed against mine. I can’t make you happy. I’m never going to make you happy, he had said to me. Funny how that works Harry, you sure as hell did make me happy whenever you were here. “Anastasia? Are you happy?” Niall repeated the question and I didn’t move my eyes from my hand.

“Define happy,” I muttered, and he cleared his throat.

“Are you upset, Anastasia?” he changed the question and I frowned deeply.

“Yes,” I spoke dryly, the aching of my heart and my body coming back.

“Do you want to be happy?” he slipped the note back into the envelope and tossed it aside.

“Yes,” I spoke lighter and he smiled a little.

“Do you think that Harry will give you the happiness that you crave?” he cocked his eyebrows and I finally looked up at him.

“Yes,” I said, once again.

“Then why the hell aren’t you doing anything to gain that happiness, Ana?” he snapped and I furrowed my brows, “Why the hell are you just sitting here, expecting everything to go your way? What if he doesn’t come back to you in fear that you’ll push him away? Because I sure the fuck can see Harry doing that. Harry has a sensitive heart, a gentle heart. If it’s broken, it’s not easily mended. And when you didn’t say anything at the wedding, something inside of him snapped. I saw it.”

“Do you know if he said I Do?” I blurted and he shook his head.

“No. I carried you out of the church, remember?” he sighed and looked down at his knees, “I know you miss him already.” I couldn’t hold it back any longer, not anymore. I began to cry; I began to sob. And I knew that once I started, nothing was going to stop the tears from falling.

“I hate to see you like this, Ana. You’re like a sister to me and I can’t have you crying like this,” Niall muttered and I wiped away my tears, only to let more fall. “Please, don’t stay in here tomorrow. Do something. Be productive. Hang out with Malina. Just don’t sit in here and cry all day.”

I nodded my head and he stood up and placed a small kiss on my forehead. Then he smiled at me and left my room. I pulled the covers over my body, and laid back down.

I can’t go another day without thinking about you Harry. You know, even though I thought it was a lie… I kind of always wanted it to be Ana and Harry. Only, Ana and Harry. It would make me so happy just to hear you say that again. It will always be Ana and Harry.

My tears streamed harder as I covered my face with the thick blanket. I never should have even let Penelope get as close to me as she did. I should have never even let that wedding happen. I should have said something. I should have stopped it.

I sat up and grabbed my phone. I didn’t know what I was doing, but as I got to looking, I searched through my whole phone. And for some reason, my eyes looked at the old messages that Harry had sent to me. I went to my call-log and my thumb hovered over his name. And without thinking, I clicked on it. My heart began to spin and thump against my chest, and I hesitantly put my phone up to my ear.

Hi you’ve reached the voicemail of Harry Styles. Clearly I am busy at the moment, but I can assure you that I will call you back. Leave your name and your message and I will listen to it and call you as soon as I can. Thank you.

I called the number again.

Hi you’ve reached the voicemail of Harry Styles. Clearly I am busy at the moment, but I can assure you that I will call you back. Leave your name and your message and I will listen to it and call you as soon as I can. Thank you.

And again.

My tears constantly fell; never ending or begging to stop. I pressed on his name yet again and pulled the phone up to my ear.

“Hello? Anastasia?” Harry’s voice was on one end of the line, and my beating; broken heart was on the other, “Hello?”

I quickly hung up and threw my head back on the pillow, crying harder. But then my phone began to vibrate and the screen said Call from Harry.

“Hello?” I muffled my voice in the blanket and it was silent for a moment.

“Anastasia,” his voice was smooth and flowed out of his lips like velvet. “U-Um. How are you?” he stuttered and I laughed a little.

“Like that’s even a question,” I muttered, barely audible. Say something. I want to hear your voice again.

“I um-” he stopped and it was silent for another moment, “I have to go.”

“Wait, Harry-” but it was already too late. He had hung up. My phone met with the wall, and my body collapsed back onto the bed as my heart broke into more pieces, as if it were possible.