You know what...I don't like me. I don't like being chinese or asian in general. (NOT BEING RACIST OKAY?) I don't like it, and you know why?? Because I have too small of eyes, I am too short, I am not smart. I am not the sterotypical Asian. I don't get all A's or even B's or even C's anymore. I have D's and F's. I hate it. I was not adopted into the nice rich family or whatever. I was adopted into a family that's far from perfect. Of course, I know that not everyone is perfect. Nobody is perfect. Yes, I know, okay??! I am not even nerdy, or geeky or popular or anything. I am not the right height for a girl in general or even probably for Asians. I am 5ft. The preferable height is at least 5'5 or 5'6 maybe I don't know. But everyone towers over top of me. I don't have a big enough chest. :/ Or a butt. I don't have anything!!!
I hate my eyes. They're too small!! I can't put on eyeshadow because I have a stupid mono lid. Which is where your eyelid covers your eye, if that makes any sense. So I don't have that normal flappy part of the eyelid. That normal people have. I can't put on liquid eyeliner because of my stupid eyelid. I can wear mascara but what's the point?! You wouldn't see it! Unless I wore fake eyelashes. -.- I hate that I can barely fit into women's clothes. Like, I am in that stage, where I can still kinda fit into kids clothes but not really. Everything depends on everything else.
My feet are too small. Like what the fuck. They're child's feet. I hate it. Everyone's like, "OH MY GOD!!! YOUR FEET ARE SOOOOOOOOOOO SMALL!!" It's like, "You think I don't know??" And then there's my hair. Where is the long blonde hair that's wavy or at least brown hair that's wavy too. I can't do anything to my hair because it's somewhat too thing. Like not too thin that it's strands but to where it takes a helluva lot of hairspray to stay in.
I am not athletic or talented. I am not coordinated. I am not smart at all. I have acne. Yes, normal teenagers have it, but doesn't seem like it because it seems like I am the only one that has it. I hate it. My eyebrows are like, lighter. I don't color them in and obviously they are the same color as my hair, but yeah. I feel like if I color them in, it'll look weird. Since I wear glasses. I don't want contacts because my eyes are so freaking small, that I am afraid that the contact won't even go in or something.
Maybe I should change my style because quite frankly, I don't even know who I am. I am insensitive. I am never happy anymore. I am always sad. Everyday. This is a confession. I Anna (last name) confess that I am sad all of the time. I don't know or remember quite frankly when I was truly happy. Because whenever I'd say or claim I was, they'd do something. Cheat. leave, ignore, stop, "drift apart". I don't know. How does anyone know when they're truly happy? How do you know when something or someone makes you truly happy?? No one makes my day better no matter what, because they all leave anyway. They all leave. Either, I fudge it up, or they leave. I am expendable. I am someone that can be replaced a thousand times over. I am the D.U.F.F.
D-(d)eginated
U-(u)gly
F-(f)at
F-(f)riend
That one friend that's exactly like the movie. That has good looking friends and is forever single. My one friend has a boyfriend. In our group, one of them has a girlfriend (he's a boy that has a girlfriend xD) and the other boy is dating my friend that's in the group. And the last girl, is gorgeous and funny and weird. She's social and I guess anti-social all in the same time or whatever. But she has all of the good assets that guys want. I am never going to have my; jock falls in love with the nerd, jock falls in love with the "emo", jock falls in love with the 'loser', or just that the guy falls in love with the girl in general.
The one guy I like doesn't think I love him even though I do. He's not the same as he used to be. I think he hates me for even saying that I love him. It's all my fault because I fucking pressured him into breaking up with his boyfriend. I thought it'd be good for him because he wasn't even happy in the relationship. You could and still can read it on their message board. He was roping him back in, and then randomly said that he didn't want him. It broke my crush. I shouldn't have pressured him. Now, of course I didn't say, "JUST BREAK UP WITH HIM!" Or anything, but I did point out the bad things when he'd tell me. I thought...someone said....he liked....me. I guess not. He probably thinks that I am evil and horrible. That I am the worst person ever. He probably blames me for stealing his happiness. Even though he says he blames himself and that's what everyone else is saying. I don't believe it. It's all my fault.
I always screw everything up. Josh and Andy's relationship, Zeke and Josh's relationship, Josh and Ryan's relationship, (blank and blanks) relationship. EVERYONE'S. My own too. I should've said yes to Mikey. But I didn't, and you know why? Because I didn't think he was prepared or ready for a relationship. Then he ran off with that boy that has been there forever even though that boy hurt him before. I should've kept up with Oliver, but instead I was too wrapped up in March 4th.........to focus on Oliver, and I pushed him away. I told him that he should go for that guy. I thought he'd read between the lines. It was the fact that he told me the day before he was supposed to ask me out. Then Jacon...he...died...
I know you guys are tired of reading and hearing about Zeke and everything, but I can't let go of my regrets. I don't know how people do that. I have so many regrets that they pile up. I don't know what to even do anymore. I'm so empty. So numb. Just existing. Dead inside. I am an actor. A liar and a faker. I am not me anymore.
1-29-17
Sunday
2017
7:00pm
